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Hormona & I
Some girls call their periods Aunt Flo. Others refer to it as “their friend.” My period is neither. My period is my frenemie. I’m excited when she visits but can’t wait for her to leave. Unfortunately, when she’s not actually here yet, she’s preparing to be. This means that for two weeks out of the month, I’m obligated, bound to, handcuffed to this THING that takes over my life. Her name is Hormona and she is a bitch.
Hormona and Diana wake up.
Hormona: Remember that time when Vinny didn’t take you to the Jay Z/Eminem concert because he was “confused?”
Diana: Yeah. I kinda got over that.
Hormona: No you didn’t.
Diana: No, really. I did. Live in present. Not the past.
Hormona: You are fooling yourself. Why do you always let him get away with everything? He just thinks he could play you like that and you’ll be nice to him?
Diana: I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed.
Hormona: I think you should text him.
Diana: It’s 8am.
Hormona: Perfect. It might be his first text of the day. You’ll totally ruin his mood. His DAY if you’re lucky. Are you thrilled or are you thrilled that I came to visit?
Diana: You know, you’re right. I never stand up for myself. LETS DO THIS. What do I say?
Hormona: Okay. Write this. “Good morning. I hate your face you stupid piece of shit ass fucker. You didn’t take me to the concert and you know what? I DIDN’T WANT TO GO with your stupid piece of shit ass fucker face. I’m never talking to you again so fuck you. DIE. Hope you have a nice day. Bye”
Diana: Okay, cool.
Diana sends the message. They wait.
Diana: He responded. He said “Are you serious?” I guess that’s reasonable question. That was pretty crazy.
Hormona: Of course you’re serious. He never respects your feelings. Why do you have to get over things on his schedule?
Diana: Yeah, that’s true. He always thinks I should just get over things when he does. But he gets over things right away and I enjoy dwelling and being in a bad mood. I feel safe and comfortable there. So what do I say?
Hormona: Say “Yeah. I’m serious. You don’t love me and this proves it. You don’t appreciate me ever.”
Diana sends. They wait.
Diana: He said “This happened 8 months ago.”
They stare at each.
Hormona: So what? You have repressed emotions from the trauma of having to be his girlfriend. You’re the victim here. He doesn’t love you. And to prove that he doesn’t, you should make him say it. OMG. That’s great. Let’s test him.
Diana: Yeah! That kid hasn’t passed a test since the second grade. I know he’ll fail.
Hormona: Obviously he will. Because he doesn’t love you. Go. Send it now.
Diana sends. They wait.
To be continued.
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Dear Hiring Manager
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.
For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.
I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”
This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.
I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.
To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.
I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.
Sincerely,
That Chick
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the banker and the boobs
1:09
A male banker looking at boobs? What a shocker.
Filed under ass | face
new round monopoly
In an effort to make more money, as well as celebrate the 75th anniversary, Hasbro has come out with a new round Monopoly. A new round Monopoly that has discourages cheating by having a debit card instead of cash.
To this I say NO. The point of Monopoly was cheating. It wasn’t about how many properties you could buy but about how many $500 you could take from the bank without anyone noticing. Nothing is the same anymore and this saddens me. Wah.
Filed under douche | baggery
single girls are crazy
What Samsung really means is : ugly girls who favor glasses instead of makeup are not only single-fo-life but bat shit crazy as well. And please buy a camera!
Filed under not | redtube
madonna makes friends with photoshop
Like most people, I derive joy from other people’s misery. And so what? Is it really so wrong to build my self esteem on the backs of before pictures? It’s better than talking shit about people, eh?
Filed under douche | baggery
planning a girls night out
^This pic took an hour to plan
Vinny called me yesterday and asked if him and I had plans. I said no. He said he was going to hang out with his friend. I said ok. He went to hang out with his friend. It was simple. It’s not so simple when I hang out with my friends. And now there is a study to prove it!
The new study, conducted by whothefuckknows, suggests that it takes girls an average of three days, five hours and 22 minutes to organize a girls night out. I’m not surprised.
When my girl friends plan a night out, they enjoy giving a brief updated bio of their life before getting to the hanging out part. It is usually 300+ characters and often forgets to mention the date and time of hang out.
Ex:
Hey girls! It’s been a long time. So I’m going to be free on ____ and ____ but only if ______ doesn’t decide to _______ , which we all know might happen. He he ha ha. Anyway, I was thinking we could ____________ on ________________, weather permitting, and then……….
Source: Source



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when i grow up…
When I was working at The Og, we had to go to a lot of lunches with publishers. One day we went to lunch with some folks from Business.com and it was really one of the most annoying experiences of my life. Sales people are really annoying and animated and at the time, I wasn’t. Anyways, on the way back to the office, I was talking with one of my co-workers. The topic of happiness came up and I noted that I didn’t know too many happy people. So this girl was like, “well maybe you need new friends.” I was offended because I like my friends, happy or not. So I get defensive and I’m like “well maybe you need to grow the fuck up you stupid stuttering bitch.” I didn’t really say that but I wanted to.
Happiness isn’t the easiest thing to come by, especially when adult problems get in the way. But sometimes, it’s important to realize that life is short and not everything is a big deal. Unless it’s my problem, in which case it’s always a big deal. I can’t always practice what I preach.
Filed under douche | baggery
matt damon ruins my life
Matt Damon won’t be returning to the Bourne franchise, saying he wants “a simple little human story. Something like Good Will Hunting or soething that’s smaller like that.” The fourth film will be a prequel, starring someone new.
Wahhh. I don’t want to work out and look hot while driving really fast cars. Wahhh I don’t want to make my fans happy. Ugh. I hate when these actors don’t feel a sense of responsibility to me, like my needs don’t matter. If I wanted to feel like that, I’d move back in with my mother.
Filed under just | sayin
live checking hards
I’m always looking for new ways to keep track of how poor I am. Lucky for me, so are credit card companies. Introducing The Live Checking Card – a card that displays the total spending amount on the card after every purchase. Then it matches up with your bank account to see just how much you’ve over drafted. Or how much you haven’t overdrafted. Whatever.
Filed under art | work
new yorkers are assholes?
Comedian Mark Malkoff spends two days trying to get from downtown Manhattan to Harlem by having strangers carry him. He wanted to prove that New Yorkers are really nice people, deep down inside. They are nice – when there is a camera crew and two minutes of fame waiting for them at the other side.
Watch it. It’s funny.
Filed under not | redtube
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