Monthly Archives: March 2009

oh | jesus

Sometimes when people talk to me and I don’t care about what they’re saying, I too wish I could just pass out. But I never do. I just zone out instead and say key phrases like “omg, really?” or “that’s so interesting” or “OMG! ME too!” And it usually works but when it doesn’t, I just say “huh?” and then they move on.

And really, I do try not to laugh at other peoples misfortune but usually my efforts are blah. I think its because I might be Satan.



Filed under not | redtube

lazy | fuck | cards


I used to be one of those people who really enjoyed selecting the perfect card for the perfect person and then writing a 10 page essay on the inside re: how much I love them and how much they mean to me and blah fucking blah. I even used to draw special animals that were all the rage. But I’m over it. I now see birthday cards as a hassle – I have to go to the store and pick it out and then I have to think about all the things we went through in the past year and honestly, its way too much. And I don’t really care to be honest. Nor do I care to wrap your gift nicely because I think its cuter when its a mess. Deal with it.

I want this but I’m not sure if its art or a real product and I wonder why people go out of their way to confuse me.

here it is.

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Filed under ass | face

legless | rapper

Why is this legless fella able to make a video and we have yet to make one even though we have 6 legs between us?

And maybe this is for someone. Or maybe I speak in third person and think I’m a spider. You will never know until you do and so don’t even bother asking what I’m talking about.


Filed under not | redtube

dear john | letter


I’ve known Zohra for 14 years. She is my longest relationship to date and I keep her around because she lets me spit in her mouth whenever I want. Who would give this up?

During this 14 year relationship, I’ve disappeared many times. Once for 5 years and then after that it was for a few weeks at a time. Naturally she always gets worried when this happens and naturally I love her for it. Please enjoy some worry below. I think its really cute.

Subject: Dear John Letter

Hi. I pray that you are alive.

I feel like quoting the song “You’ve lost that loving feeling.” I feel like our relationship has gotten to that old stale married for 15 years point. The sexual tension has been replaced with awkward silences, mocking, attempted murders (Insurance money), and cross dressing. We used to talk every day – now you tell me to give you a few days rest. So i have decided to pull a VAL now that she is no longer on aim I see you falling apart at the seams. So now i am going to disappear for a few days, act aloof, uninterested, perhaps find another friend to talk to and share my flare for life, humor, Tex Mex ordering skills, and massages.

I hope you are happy for destroying a happy home. Me and the refugee children will be staying at the Marriot.


How are you?

Umm. You should never tell someone you’re disappearing and then ask how they’re doing. This defeats the purpose of telling them you’re disappearing. In conclusion, there is absolutely nothing aloof about this. I mean, you wouldn’t tell someone you’re acting breezy to convey the breeziness, would you?



Filed under mi | vida

people | suck


Nothing really surprises me nowadays but I really wish it did. I wish I were still young and thought life was like a thornless rose field. Or some poetic shit like that. But alas, I know life is full of thorns and so this was only gasp worthy for 2 seconds.

A lie. 5 seconds. Because really? Really German people? You are animals.

Also from here.

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Filed under lint | licker

mushroom | book


I’m all about doing things that are hip and I’m even more about them when I can have a guide that fits in my pocket.

Anywho, this makes me Lamayo. A lot. And good thing its no longer weird to be laughing at the computer screen. I do it all the time because I don’t have real friends at work. Wah.

I also saw this t-shirt I yesterday that I adored. It said ” I didn’t slap you. I high fived your face.” Yes, yes. I lamayo’ed at that too and I was all all by my lonesome. The the folks thought I was nutso and I didn’t disagree. I guess laughing by yourself is still considered weird.

Saw it here.

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Filed under twat | monkey

shamwow | hooker | beatdown


I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that the Shamwow dude fucked up this hooker who bit him. Well, this is what he did to her. And that’s what you get for biting.

I don’t know whether its because I don’t have a heart or simply just don’t care about people but I feel nothing when I see this. It’s like, okay whatever. You’re a hooker. It’s part of the job. Deal with it. Prosecutors feel the same way because no charges have been filed.

Saw it here.



Filed under ass | face