Category Archives: ass | face

the banker and the boobs

1:09

A male banker looking at boobs? What a shocker.

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planning a girls night out

^This pic took an hour to plan

Vinny called me yesterday and asked if him and I had plans. I said no. He said he was going to hang out with his friend. I said ok. He went to hang out with his friend. It was simple. It’s not so simple when I hang out with my friends. And now there is a study to prove it!

The new study, conducted by whothefuckknows, suggests that it takes girls an average of three days, five hours and 22 minutes to organize a girls night out. I’m not surprised.

When my girl friends plan a night out, they enjoy giving a brief updated bio of their life before getting to the hanging out part. It is usually 300+ characters and often forgets to mention the date and time of hang out.

Ex:

Hey girls! It’s been a long time. So I’m going to be free on ____ and ____ but only if ______ doesn’t decide to _______ , which we all know might happen. He he ha ha. Anyway, I was thinking we could ____________ on ________________, weather permitting, and then……….

Source: Source





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boner | peeing

hang

Unfortunately I’ve never waken up with a boner. Otherwise I would be able to test out that fancy trick if I had to pee with one. Apparently it’s hard for dudes to potty when this occurs.

Pun somewhat completely intended.

For more ways to pee when you’re hard, click here.

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monkey | business

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me | awesome

awesome

Did you know that I’m awesome? Because Jessica O did. She has nominated me for the awe-summmm award (see above) and I’m not sure when the ceremony is but I’ve already purchased a dress and shoes. The handbag I’m not sure about and will likely need some assistance in that department.

But first I must write 7 awesome things about me and then tag 7 others who I feel deserve this nomination. Easy breezy.

1) I’m nice – I’ll pretty much do anything for anyone as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me too much. Need me to read your paper? No prob. Need me to Google a phone number for you ASAP? I’ll get that shit done. Sick and need medicine/a hug? I’ll bring you the medicine. Just ask and I’ll help you out!

2) I don’t cook – I consider this a public service. Not trying has saved a lot of folks a visit to the hospital.

3) I’m understanding – (Mostly) nothing shocks me, nothing is new and I’m probably the only person who won’t judge you when you do something stupid. Not only because I don’t care about what you do with your life but also because I’ve probably been there and done that. Twice. I’m also great at damage control. Fucked shit up? Great. Me too. Now lets fix it!

4) I’m super protective of my friends and will defend their honor quicker than my own. If a stranger attacks (verbally, physically, or with thoughts), I feel bad for that stranger. I may be violent with Zohra but if anyone else tries to harm her, I will slice them quicker than you can say “oh shit, that crazy bitch got a knife.” This applies to all family and friends. It’s best not to test this.

5) I’m fun – I am. If you haven’t seen that side of me, it’s probably because you make my palms sweat from discomfort.

6) I’m honest – If you look fat in the dress, I will tell you. It’s not nice to lie to friends because if you lie once, they will continue looking fat in dresses. And how do you think they’ll feel when they realize they look porky in all of the pics and you didn’t tell them? Terrible and fat. She’ll be more hurt when you crop her out anyway. Henceforth, truth is awesome.

7) I’m modest – I’m all about self-deprecation but that is only because I know I’m all that and a bag of chips. Gourmet chips from Whole Foods. Sometimes I make out with myself but that is only after I have staring contest with the mirror and just can’t keep my hands off. Awesomeness radiates through my pores and that is obvious by the nomination. I want to win, damnit.

Now I have to tag other people who I think are awesome and they have to do the same thing.

stop annoying me by tannerleah

nyc mind munchies by mike g

origin of cotton by rodrigo the fake jew

live wrong and prosper by kali

the little survivor. i cant find you. sigh.

12 by anna

in ether by in ether

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facebook | quizzes

loser

I love facebook and I love the quizzes even more. I mean, how would I sleep without knowing which neighborhood I should live in? (Sheapshead and I don’t) Or what type of Barbie I would be? (Stripper and I wish) Or whats wrong with me? (Everything and ditto)

But what’s up with those other ones? Like, what is your real eye color? What is your best feature? What is your real weight? Seriously? You need a quiz to determine what your eye color is? Because if that’s the case, then maybe you should take the ‘how retarded are you?’ quiz and just call it a day.

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another | failed romance

public-crying

I was in Starbucks being a recluse when a boy starting hitting on me. He extended his arm over to mine and so naturally I tried to give him a high five. Then I asked him what his name was but he didn’t respond. Typical, I thought but I wouldn’t let that deter me. But his mom wasn’t having it and so she’s like “he doesn’t know how to talk yet. He’s only 8 months old.”

A boy who doesn’t respond I can handle. But a boy who needs his mom to speak for him? I don’t think so. I got my shit and went because I knew it wasn’t going to work. She didn’t even tell me his name. Cockblocker.

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