Monthly Archives: July 2009

texting | while driving

texting

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Filed under just | sayin

just | sayin | re: student drivers

student driver

I like to cut off student drivers. It makes me feel like a professor of driving who has just taught these students three valuable lessons with one simple action.

1) People are assholes.
2) Don’t go 30 in the middle lane when the speed limit is 50.
3) Good reflexes – have them.

You can’t pay for that kind of education.

Just saying.

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Filed under just | sayin

best | wedding | ever

I’m not one of those regular girls. I don’t shop for hours, I hate fighting and sometimes I pee standing up. I also don’t live my life to get married. However, I do love weddings. And I love, love, LOVE this video. Two people in love having fun on their wedding day. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

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Filed under not | redtube

dumb | robbers

florida tat

See that dude? His names is Sean Roberts. Sean and his lady pal Billie Kiser decided it would be a good idea to rob some people. So they did. Sean and Billie broke into a mobile home and stole prescription drugs, a DVD player, a CD player and $120 in cash. They ran away but were later caught when the residents identified Sean and his fancy face tattoo. Shocking.

At first I was like, “Woah! People still use CD Players?” But then I re-read and saw it was a mobile home and it all made sense. But then I wondered why he wouldn’t wear a ski mask. That is, after all, the preferred facial attire for robbers. But I suppose it’s hot in Florida and they might not sell those? Either way, this fella seems to have a bright future ahead. Mozel Tov!

Read more here.

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Filed under douche | baggery

boner | peeing

hang

Unfortunately I’ve never waken up with a boner. Otherwise I would be able to test out that fancy trick if I had to pee with one. Apparently it’s hard for dudes to potty when this occurs.

Pun somewhat completely intended.

For more ways to pee when you’re hard, click here.

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Filed under ass | face

muffin | tops | v2.0

muffin

A few months ago, I embarked on a glorious journey I liked to call Operation: Gain 10. This entailed me eating food in an effort to gain 10 pounds, all of which I hoped would spread evenly amongst my boobage and butt areas. My main goal was to look more like my idol, Kim Kardashian, and less like my non-idol, Olive Oyl, aka: Popeye’s lady love.

I am proud to announce that my goal has been achieved.

I discovered my victory one evening when I was getting dressed. First I put on my jeans. This took 6 minutes. I jumped around a bit as this was the only way I could get them over my thighs. Then I had to lie down to button them up. I admired my flat tummy while on my back and it reminded me of why I was so fond of being there so much. It was a lovely moment.

Next up was my top. I decided on a tank I had bought last summer. I put that one. Then I went to the mirror to check my hot self out. But the chick in the mirror wasn’t so happy to see me. In fact, she was frowning. And without warning, she just flipped out and started to yell.

“Damn girl. Your tummy is like a tsunami all up in dem jeans!!!”

I don’t know why my alter ego speaks ghetto but I didn’t try to figure it out just then. I was too busy sobbing in the corner, coming to terms with the fact that I, that skinny bitch, had succeeded in her mission and not only gained 10 pounds but a muffin top to go along with it.

A fucking MUFFIN TOP. It was a horrible site to behold.

For those of you not in the know, muffin top was designed to humiliate and cause extreme discomfort. It is your jeans way of letting you know they are not pleased to be on your fat ass. And we all know – if the fat can’t stay inside, then you should.

I immediately changed into something more comfortable – i.e. something out of my pregnant woman closet. That is where I stock my none-form fitting “fashionable” tops. The tops that, when worn with a belt, will completely mask the fact that I look like I just ate a three-month old baby. The tops that, when worn without a belt, will drape over my body like a designer garbage bag. I love those tops.

In conclusion, I am fat. And in the spirit of this new discovery, I’d like to invite you on my new journey, aptly titled Operation: Lose 5. Please bring your helmets – it’s going to be a turbulent ride.

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Filed under mi | vida

turtle | rape

Clearly the she-turtle is not having fun because if she were, she would be making the same sexy time noises as her male counterpart. But on the other hand, I don’t get why the he-turtle wants to bang her so much. She just sits there. No noises, no hip gyrating, no nothing. I’m thinking this was the first and last time these two got together. She will text him, he will say he didn’t receive it and you know how the story goes.

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Filed under not | redtube