Dear Hiring Manager,
I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.
For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.
I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”
This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.
I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.
To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.
I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.
When I was working at The Og, we had to go to a lot of lunches with publishers. One day we went to lunch with some folks from Business.com and it was really one of the most annoying experiences of my life. Sales people are really annoying and animated and at the time, I wasn’t. Anyways, on the way back to the office, I was talking with one of my co-workers. The topic of happiness came up and I noted that I didn’t know too many happy people. So this girl was like, “well maybe you need new friends.” I was offended because I like my friends, happy or not. So I get defensive and I’m like “well maybe you need to grow the fuck up you stupid stuttering bitch.” I didn’t really say that but I wanted to.
Happiness isn’t the easiest thing to come by, especially when adult problems get in the way. But sometimes, it’s important to realize that life is short and not everything is a big deal. Unless it’s my problem, in which case it’s always a big deal. I can’t always practice what I preach.
I’ve been getting really bad headaches lately. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been somewhat stressed. Living a double life can do that to a person. One minute I’m an international blogger, writing about vagina penises and the next, I’m a slave to the man. Then it’s back to international blogger and then a bit of time spent thinking of ways I could escape the man. And then I have whip lash because I’m always turning around to make sure the man isn’t coming. (2-for-1 special.) I don’t want him to know about the 10 other things I’m doing when I’m supposed to be doing the one thing he has asked me to do. But no matter how many times I turn around, he manages to come around that time I didn’t look. And I’m always doing one of those 10 other things. Youtube, Perez, email, IM, car sites, personal brainstorming sessions in which I answer my own questions, etc. Yesterday he caught me looking at some website and asked me if I was working on a puzzle. I says no – just the Lollapalooza lineup. It’s my obsession of the week. Then he told me to throw out the half-eaten hash brown on my desk and that he was analyzing me based on my eating habits. That’s cool but I’d much prefer he analyze the fact that I’ve been wearing really tight clothes to avoid getting into trouble for never doing work. It’s how I passed college – figured I’d give it a try.
When I’m not in the office, I’m at Starbucks. I go there every day to escape the stressors of the work place. I watch men in business suits eagerly trying to impress each other and then I enviously watch people working on their laptops while sitting on the comfy, cushioned seats. Then I wish I could be them and this stresses me out and so I go back to work where I wish I were back at Starbucks. It is so emotionally draining.
Anywho, I hope that’s why I have headaches. It might be a brainaneurysmG-dforbidknockonwood. That would suck.
This is from when Val and I started a greeting cards business. I wrote it, she drew it and we sold 0. This may or may not have something to do with us not trying to sell them. So close, yet so far.