Monthly Archives: June 2009

rage | against the machine | pt 1

Diana

I have spent the last three weeks trying to get fired. My efforts have been fruitless.

This is my story.

Three weeks ago, The Man summoned me into his office. I had just submitted another report with an abundance of errors. The numbers didn’t match up. I forgot, yet again, to format the columns correctly. He was angry.

“Diana. I have given you so many chances. I really don’t want to do this but if you don’t impress me in the next three weeks, I’m going to have to let you go.”

At first I was like, omg. omg. omg. omg. I’m going to get fired. How will I live? What if this? What if that? omg.

But then I was like, this is awesome. My dream of being unemployed will finally come true! Instead of spending my days carelessly dealing with clients I couldn’t care less about, I could actually be productive. I could do my hair and clean my room in the way it deserves to be cleaned. I can lunch and play tennis. I can write blogs to my hearts desire without looking over my shoulder in fear. Most importantly, I could sleep late and not take that vile F train with those peasants.

Not impressing The Man turned out to be easy. I simply continued doing what I was doing. And some.

I took two vacation days. And two sick days. I came a bit late and left a bit early. I stopped responding to emails. I rolled my eyes when passing people in the hall. I didn’t flush the toilet. I made penis art with my desktop icons. I then saved it to my desktop and called it Diana.

And then came week 3. I emailed The Man to talk.

“So, I was wondering what my status was here?” I asked.

He proceeded to tell me all of the things I was doing wrong. Again. With every fault of mine he mentioned, I nodded my head and said I know. I’m trying my best. It’s just that Excel is not my thing. I can’t help it. It’s just not my thing. I get easily confused.

He noted that he couldn’t believe I just told him “excel was not my thing.”

I noted that I was just being honest. Then I asked if I will have a job next week.

“Yes, you will have a job next week. You will have a review and maybe we’ll send you to Excel training.”

“Right. Thanks. Okay. I’m going to go now. Thanks. Okay. Bye” I said before rushing outside to have a fit. A review? Excel training? Really? REALLY?

What in the fucks name does a chick gotta do to get fired these days? I shall tell you.

Next time.

PS. Don’t IM me with questions in regards to this topic until I am on my non-work IM. K. Thanks.

16 Comments

Filed under douche | baggery, mi | vida

zohra | email | re: periods and stuff

bipolar

To: Diana
From: Zohra
Subject: FML

Side note. I got my period late tonight and had to force my mom to go with me at 10:30 to buy pads from the deli. She was flipping out on me and she blamed this issue on my smoking habit. She thinks if I smoked less and cleaned my room more, my period would come at a more appropriate hour. She said that if I was more organized I would have pads already. This is true but seriously I would rather be digging ditches in Guam or listening to David Hasselfhoff’s greatest hits on replay over and over again (Yes I know he is famous in Germany),than sit through this conversation. The deli was selling pads for 7 dollars so we walked over to Golden farm…they had pads but they put it up on top of the highest shelf because only Giant women buy pads from Golden farm. I had to ask the tall Asian man behind the counter to get one of those stick things that helped him grab them as the whole store stared at me while my mother yelled at me for smoking too much. This was exciting for everyone at Golden Farm…he then took the pads and scanned them and then placed them in a clear plastic bag so that when I walked out of the store I would do the walk of shame. Everyone in Golden farm would know I was the girl with the period accompanied by her yelling mother. I wanted to run out but then my mother notices that they were selling mangos at a low cost so she had to of course buy some. So I stood there with my clear plastic bag of shame as my mom bought two mangos. On our walk home she cooled down and started discussing her mangos and how cheap the tomatoes were.

Thank you.

6 Comments

Filed under mi | vida

work | today

Diana

My college degree obviously paid off. How else would I be able to handle the task assigned to me if not for those years of training?

Today’s assignment: Click on the links to make sure they work. It looks easy but it’s not. First I laughed for a good 3 minutes upon seeing Turkey Revolution. Then I laughed when I saw how many people are actually interested in this. Then I spent twenty minutes posting this. I suppose the entire link clicking task will take me approximately 2 hours to complete – only one hour longer than your standard retard.

Moving on up.

Leave a comment

Filed under mi | vida

a | fancy | story

cdrive

Some of you have been what the fucking me about the blog. “Why haven’t you posted?” “I’m disappointed in you.” “I hate your face slut. Post something already.”

Hearing those things makes me feel very loved and I thank you all.

The reason I haven’t been posting is because my computer crashed. My C: drive was at 98% capacity and I couldn’t quite figure out how to use my external hard drive. Daniel told me I shouldn’t turn the comp off but one night, my electricity went out and the thing went black. When I turned it back on, there was a message about selecting this to do that or selecting that to do this. I didn’t understand and so I decided it was probably best to call Dell and have them guide me. I waited a week to call because I was busy and when I finally did, they told me that the computer didn’t crash, the battery had just died. Just select this and then plug it in. It should work. It did.

Now my C: drive is at 99% capacity but its working like a champ.

Anywho, I’ll try not to disappear again and only some of the above is true.

Happy Sunday!

Leave a comment

Filed under mi | vida

aa | for liars

angel

In addition to being a klepto, I am also a pathological liar. I can make up a story within seconds and go on with it for as long as necessary. I can tell you I’m a lawyer working to save the innocent, that I’m an ex-stripper working towards getting my jr. high school diploma or that I’m a nice girl and of course I’ve never done this before.

But I don’t usually lie to my friends and so much of these stories take place when I’m out. Such was the case with Chinku, a native of India but a New Yorker at heart. I met him while I was standing outside a bar/restaurant smoking. He was sitting right outside and when he noticed me, he got up to chat. He asked me how it was inside. I told him it was ok. He asked how the drinks were. I said I was drinking coffee. He was visibly drunk and I could see that he didn’t understand.

“I don’t drink,” I said.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because I’m an alcholic.”

“Oh, me too. But how do you not drink?”

I then explained to him the benefits of AA. He asked how I was able to be at a bar and didn’t I get tempted? I said that you can’t live your life avoiding places. That you have to have self control and will power. That I felt better in the morning knowing that I wasn’t a drunken whore sobbing in some stranger’s apartment. He said he wished he could do it. I said you can – you just have to want it.

He looked at me with those eyes. Love eyes I like to call them. I could tell he was enamored by my inner strength and beauty. Then his friends came out. I was introduced to all of them (so soon!) and Chinku told them I wasn’t drinking. That I was sober. One friend asked how long.

“Less than a year. One day at a time.” I said. Then we all high fived. They weren’t haters and this I could respect.

In reality, the real reason I don’t drink is because I don’t like the taste and because I don’t need an excuse to behave immorally.

The moral of this story is that lying to others is the same exact thing as lying to yourself. I spent the rest of the evening admiring my ability to be beat my drinking problem and wondered why everyone couldn’t just do the same. Then I prayed I wouldn’t relapse and called it a night.

2 Comments

Filed under mi | vida

me | a teacher?

MaryKayLetourneau

Ladies and Gentleman, I have an announcement to make. It’s like, amazing. Okay.

So.

Here is is.

Drumroll please.

I, Diana, creator of all bad ideas, have finally had an idea that…my parents thought was good. (My friends – not so much)

I’ve decided to become a teacher!

Now that you’ve stopped laughing, I will proceed.

So I call my dad with the good news. This is the convo.

Me: Papa. I’ve decided to become a teacher.
Papa: Oh my. Oh my. Really? That makes me so happy.
Me: Me too! I’m so excited. I will have summers off.
Papa: And all major holidays! Oh, I love you.
Me: I love you too. 🙂

So then I call my mom. This is the convo.

Me: Mom. I’ve decided to become a teacher.
Mom: (Laughter)
Me: WHATS SO FUNNY?
Mom: Nothing. It’s good. I’m happy! How are you going to pay for it?
Me: I’ll take out a loan. I didn’t even apply yet. But when I do take out a loan, I will take out more and then I’ll travel to Europe for a month or two.
Mom: No. You can’t do that. You can’t take out a loan to do that.
Me: I can do whatever I want. I’m going to be a teacher!
Mom: Ok. What can I say.
Me: Nothing. Bye! 🙂

So then I tell my friends.

Friend 1: Daniel

Me: I’ve decided to become a teacher.
Daniel: That’s great. You should do what makes you happy.
Me: Thanks! 🙂

Friend 2: Mike

Me: I’ve decided to become a teacher.
Mike: Oh man, you should be careful. This girl I know became a teacher, fell on her head and was never the same. You should think about this.
Me: Okay then. :/

Friend 2: Zohra

Me: I’ve decided to become a teacher.
Zohra: (Laughter) Really.
Me: Yeah. Really.
Zohra: (Laughter)
Me: Fuck you, bitch.
Zohra: No no no. I’m sorry. That’s great. You’ll be great. (Laughter)
Me: Tell me again what you’ve accomplished in life? >:0

Friend 3: Val

Me: I’ve decided to become a teacher.
Val: WHAT? That’s stupid. You’re not organized. You like, have to make lesson plans and stuff.
Me: Excuse me but I did very well in college.
Val: Yeah, me too. College is stupid.
Me: You’re stupid. >:0

Later on..

Val: Wow. You’re tall. When did you get so tall?
Me: When you didn’t put on heals.
Val: It’s not fair. You’re so tall.
Me: Yeah. I’m tall and thin and you’re short and fat.
Val: What the fuck?!
Me: You said I’m unorganized.
Val: That’s not the same thing!
Jamie: Yes, it is.
Me: 🙂

In conclusion, like everything else I’ve decided in the past, whether it was a good or bad idea, the opinions of others were of no or very little importance to me. Unless I agreed, of course.

Either way, I’m happy I finally said something that made my parents happy.

Little do they know how unhappy they are about to become with me.

Keep reading, folks.

2 Comments

Filed under mi | vida