Some girls call their periods Aunt Flo. Others refer to it as “their friend.” My period is neither. My period is my frenemie. I’m excited when she visits but can’t wait for her to leave. Unfortunately, when she’s not actually here yet, she’s preparing to be. This means that for two weeks out of the month, I’m obligated, bound to, handcuffed to this THING that takes over my life. Her name is Hormona and she is a bitch.
Hormona and Diana wake up.
Hormona: Remember that time when Vinny didn’t take you to the Jay Z/Eminem concert because he was “confused?”
Diana: Yeah. I kinda got over that.
Hormona: No you didn’t.
Diana: No, really. I did. Live in present. Not the past.
Hormona: You are fooling yourself. Why do you always let him get away with everything? He just thinks he could play you like that and you’ll be nice to him?
Diana: I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed.
Hormona: I think you should text him.
Diana: It’s 8am.
Hormona: Perfect. It might be his first text of the day. You’ll totally ruin his mood. His DAY if you’re lucky. Are you thrilled or are you thrilled that I came to visit?
Diana: You know, you’re right. I never stand up for myself. LETS DO THIS. What do I say?
Hormona: Okay. Write this. “Good morning. I hate your face you stupid piece of shit ass fucker. You didn’t take me to the concert and you know what? I DIDN’T WANT TO GO with your stupid piece of shit ass fucker face. I’m never talking to you again so fuck you. DIE. Hope you have a nice day. Bye”
Diana: Okay, cool.
Diana sends the message. They wait.
Diana: He responded. He said “Are you serious?” I guess that’s reasonable question. That was pretty crazy.
Hormona: Of course you’re serious. He never respects your feelings. Why do you have to get over things on his schedule?
Diana: Yeah, that’s true. He always thinks I should just get over things when he does. But he gets over things right away and I enjoy dwelling and being in a bad mood. I feel safe and comfortable there. So what do I say?
Hormona: Say “Yeah. I’m serious. You don’t love me and this proves it. You don’t appreciate me ever.”
Diana sends. They wait.
Diana: He said “This happened 8 months ago.”
They stare at each.
Hormona: So what? You have repressed emotions from the trauma of having to be his girlfriend. You’re the victim here. He doesn’t love you. And to prove that he doesn’t, you should make him say it. OMG. That’s great. Let’s test him.
Diana: Yeah! That kid hasn’t passed a test since the second grade. I know he’ll fail.
Hormona: Obviously he will. Because he doesn’t love you. Go. Send it now.
Diana sends. They wait.
To be continued.