Tag Archives: jokes

Dear Hiring Manager

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.

For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.

I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”

This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.

I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.

To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.

I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.

Sincerely,
That Chick

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the banker and the boobs

1:09

A male banker looking at boobs? What a shocker.

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single girls are crazy

What Samsung really means is : ugly girls who favor glasses instead of makeup are not only single-fo-life but bat shit crazy as well. And please buy a camera!

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urinals

France.

via.

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planning a girls night out

^This pic took an hour to plan

Vinny called me yesterday and asked if him and I had plans. I said no. He said he was going to hang out with his friend. I said ok. He went to hang out with his friend. It was simple. It’s not so simple when I hang out with my friends. And now there is a study to prove it!

The new study, conducted by whothefuckknows, suggests that it takes girls an average of three days, five hours and 22 minutes to organize a girls night out. I’m not surprised.

When my girl friends plan a night out, they enjoy giving a brief updated bio of their life before getting to the hanging out part. It is usually 300+ characters and often forgets to mention the date and time of hang out.

Ex:

Hey girls! It’s been a long time. So I’m going to be free on ____ and ____ but only if ______ doesn’t decide to _______ , which we all know might happen. He he ha ha. Anyway, I was thinking we could ____________ on ________________, weather permitting, and then……….

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the ipad is great

Steve Jobs has taken to speaking like Katie Holmes, using simple adjectives to describe the iPad.

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when i grow up…

When I was working at The Og, we had to go to a lot of lunches with publishers. One day we went to lunch with some folks from Business.com and it was really one of the most annoying experiences of my life. Sales people are really annoying and animated and at the time, I wasn’t. Anyways, on the way back to the office, I was talking with one of my co-workers. The topic of happiness came up and I noted that I didn’t know too many happy people. So this girl was like, “well maybe you need new friends.” I was offended because I like my friends, happy or not. So I get defensive and I’m like “well maybe you need to grow the fuck up you stupid stuttering bitch.” I didn’t really say that but I wanted to.

Happiness isn’t the easiest thing to come by, especially when adult problems get in the way. But sometimes, it’s important to realize that life is short and not everything is a big deal. Unless it’s my problem, in which case it’s always a big deal. I can’t always practice what I preach.

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