Please follow me there. I won’t mind.
Thanks for reading. 🙂
Some girls call their periods Aunt Flo. Others refer to it as “their friend.” My period is neither. My period is my frenemie. I’m excited when she visits but can’t wait for her to leave. Unfortunately, when she’s not actually here yet, she’s preparing to be. This means that for two weeks out of the month, I’m obligated, bound to, handcuffed to this THING that takes over my life. Her name is Hormona and she is a bitch.
Hormona and Diana wake up.
Hormona: Remember that time when Vinny didn’t take you to the Jay Z/Eminem concert because he was “confused?”
Diana: Yeah. I kinda got over that.
Hormona: No you didn’t.
Diana: No, really. I did. Live in present. Not the past.
Hormona: You are fooling yourself. Why do you always let him get away with everything? He just thinks he could play you like that and you’ll be nice to him?
Diana: I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed.
Hormona: I think you should text him.
Diana: It’s 8am.
Hormona: Perfect. It might be his first text of the day. You’ll totally ruin his mood. His DAY if you’re lucky. Are you thrilled or are you thrilled that I came to visit?
Diana: You know, you’re right. I never stand up for myself. LETS DO THIS. What do I say?
Hormona: Okay. Write this. “Good morning. I hate your face you stupid piece of shit ass fucker. You didn’t take me to the concert and you know what? I DIDN’T WANT TO GO with your stupid piece of shit ass fucker face. I’m never talking to you again so fuck you. DIE. Hope you have a nice day. Bye”
Diana: Okay, cool.
Diana sends the message. They wait.
Diana: He responded. He said “Are you serious?” I guess that’s reasonable question. That was pretty crazy.
Hormona: Of course you’re serious. He never respects your feelings. Why do you have to get over things on his schedule?
Diana: Yeah, that’s true. He always thinks I should just get over things when he does. But he gets over things right away and I enjoy dwelling and being in a bad mood. I feel safe and comfortable there. So what do I say?
Hormona: Say “Yeah. I’m serious. You don’t love me and this proves it. You don’t appreciate me ever.”
Diana sends. They wait.
Diana: He said “This happened 8 months ago.”
They stare at each.
Hormona: So what? You have repressed emotions from the trauma of having to be his girlfriend. You’re the victim here. He doesn’t love you. And to prove that he doesn’t, you should make him say it. OMG. That’s great. Let’s test him.
Diana: Yeah! That kid hasn’t passed a test since the second grade. I know he’ll fail.
Hormona: Obviously he will. Because he doesn’t love you. Go. Send it now.
Diana sends. They wait.
To be continued.
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.
For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.
I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”
This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.
I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.
To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.
I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.