Monthly Archives: May 2009

fuck you | bicycle

bikebooboo

I got on the rush hour F train last week and myself having to squeeze into a spot between a woman and her bicycle. I wondered if the bicycle had paid for the room it was taking up or if she snuck him in under the turnstile. Then I thought about how much I hated bicycle and the bitch who was walking him. I was under the impression that they were meant to be ridden outside and not taking up valuable space underground. But no, I was mistaken. Apparently those are last year’s rules and now that the earth is melting, there are new ones. Please see below.

Old Rule
Thou shalt ride your bicycle in designated bicycle-riding areas only. You will utilize the wheels for what they were created for and refrain from causing great discomfort to those not lucky enough to have wheels. Walking of bicycle is forbidden.

New Rule
Thou shalt ride your bicycle all willy nilly and shit. The roads were meant for cars but only in theory. You shalln’t observe laws as you are a renegade and are working for a bigger cause – to save the earth, one peddle at a time. You shalln’t even have to ride as long as you carry it around with you, like an expensive accessory that showcases your intellectual wealth. Recruit as many riders as possible. Current goal: new energy sources.

You rules don’t scare me, bicycle. I have more horsepower than you. Always did and always will.

Why yes, you should definitely consider that a threat. So smart you are.

6 Comments

Filed under just | sayin, mi | vida

gitmo | in | nyc

terrorist

Barack Obama wanted to close Gitmo but the poor guy saw opposition in Senate. Even his own team thumbs downed him. Apparently, no one really wants these detainees to come to the US. And I’m like, why the fuck not? Bring them to New York!

I wouldn’t mind paying extra taxes to build a new, more suitable detention center for these fine citizens of society. We have so much extra room, too. Union Square is practually desolate and the Lower East Side is just screaming for a new building. In addition to stimulating the local economy with new construction, supporters of this brilliant plan wouldn’t have to travel far to mingle with those they care so much about. It would be a championship moment in history.

I am sorry, Mr. President, that you have to work with such vile, racist people. I hope you eventually succeed in your plan so that we can all live happily together in this great land. Just like Jesus wanted.

13 Comments

Filed under douche | baggery

manboy | vaginas

breakupplate

There is something amiss in the drinking water. It has affected males aged 25-35 along the Eastern Seaboard. Testicles are shrinking. Ovaries are growing. The result is an abundance of manboys. It is now an epidemic. Hide your daughters.

Or inform them.

If you see a man with a pussy, stay away. He is no good. He may be of age to drink, smoke and have a job but on the inside, he has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old girl. Except the girl is more mature. 5-year-olds are obnoxiously honest while manboys are just obnoxious. Both like to run around in circles but when asked about this running, the 5-year old will tell you she is playing Duck, Duck Goose with a ghost. The manboy will stutter uncontrollably and then just say “uh, uh, uh, I dunno.” The 5-year-old isn’t afraid of anything – honesty, heights or expired milk. The manboy is afraid of everything, particularly honesty. More stuttering ensues.

The worst part is that manboys have accepted their status as peons while 5-year-old girls are eager to grow. They will tell you things like “I am 5 years old, 7 months and 6 days old which means I’m 6.” Manboys will tell you things like “I know I’m almost 30 but I’m still a kid.” Since when did it become acceptable to be so comfortable in one’s own ineptness?

And if you read the previous post, you will know that I write this on behalf of my love for another. I’ve unfortunately encountered these deformed species but to me, they are not worth a sentence. Not even a fragment. But for my friend – they are worth four paragraphs and a weekend in the slammer. Sorry officer but I didn’t realize I’m not allowed to throw bricks at people. Why yes, the cave I live in is quite spacious.

Grow up, boys. You repulse me more than fat people in white bathing suits.

5 Comments

Filed under douche | baggery, mi | vida

me | awesome

awesome

Did you know that I’m awesome? Because Jessica O did. She has nominated me for the awe-summmm award (see above) and I’m not sure when the ceremony is but I’ve already purchased a dress and shoes. The handbag I’m not sure about and will likely need some assistance in that department.

But first I must write 7 awesome things about me and then tag 7 others who I feel deserve this nomination. Easy breezy.

1) I’m nice – I’ll pretty much do anything for anyone as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me too much. Need me to read your paper? No prob. Need me to Google a phone number for you ASAP? I’ll get that shit done. Sick and need medicine/a hug? I’ll bring you the medicine. Just ask and I’ll help you out!

2) I don’t cook – I consider this a public service. Not trying has saved a lot of folks a visit to the hospital.

3) I’m understanding – (Mostly) nothing shocks me, nothing is new and I’m probably the only person who won’t judge you when you do something stupid. Not only because I don’t care about what you do with your life but also because I’ve probably been there and done that. Twice. I’m also great at damage control. Fucked shit up? Great. Me too. Now lets fix it!

4) I’m super protective of my friends and will defend their honor quicker than my own. If a stranger attacks (verbally, physically, or with thoughts), I feel bad for that stranger. I may be violent with Zohra but if anyone else tries to harm her, I will slice them quicker than you can say “oh shit, that crazy bitch got a knife.” This applies to all family and friends. It’s best not to test this.

5) I’m fun – I am. If you haven’t seen that side of me, it’s probably because you make my palms sweat from discomfort.

6) I’m honest – If you look fat in the dress, I will tell you. It’s not nice to lie to friends because if you lie once, they will continue looking fat in dresses. And how do you think they’ll feel when they realize they look porky in all of the pics and you didn’t tell them? Terrible and fat. She’ll be more hurt when you crop her out anyway. Henceforth, truth is awesome.

7) I’m modest – I’m all about self-deprecation but that is only because I know I’m all that and a bag of chips. Gourmet chips from Whole Foods. Sometimes I make out with myself but that is only after I have staring contest with the mirror and just can’t keep my hands off. Awesomeness radiates through my pores and that is obvious by the nomination. I want to win, damnit.

Now I have to tag other people who I think are awesome and they have to do the same thing.

stop annoying me by tannerleah

nyc mind munchies by mike g

origin of cotton by rodrigo the fake jew

live wrong and prosper by kali

the little survivor. i cant find you. sigh.

12 by anna

in ether by in ether

9 Comments

Filed under ass | face

moving | on

goodad

Over the course of the last two years, I’ve learned many valuable lessons. The most important one is that people are not a constant. They will always leave you, usually when you least expect it or when you need them the most. This is the formula of life. In order to cope with this discovery, I have perfected the art of not having feelings. I simply beat them out of me in order to not be bothered by the inevitable.

The following people are either leaving or have already left.

Val: Her departure was not a shock and so I had time to detach myself from her ample bosoms and luxurious mane of Chewbacca-esque hair. What I will miss most about her is her creepy ability to read my mind. All we have to do is look at each other and she will know what mischief is brewing. She will take me to the side and say something like “I understand your need to __________________ but why don’t you think about _____________ and ____________ before you go and do that?” Then I spend some time thinking about it before I go and do that. She will then blink three times at me and I will know exactly what she is saying. Usually it is “You’re an asshole” but sometimes she throws in a “You fucking suck” for good measure. While I can live without such telepathy, I would much prefer not to. I await her return to civilization but until then I’ve made new friends who will help me forget about her.

Sarah: It was disturbing to learn that Sarah would be moving back to the West Coast, leaving me roommateless once again. I had grown accustomed to her cooking me dinner every night and baking cookies. My heart skipped a beat when she broke the news. Mostly it was because I wondered who would change Moses’ water and brush his shell. She is also funny and tells good celebrity stories but her care taking skills are exceptional. Sarah taught me how to do laundry in the basement, how to make tasty eggs but not much else really. She will be missed but I hope to find a new roommate soon who will help me forget about her.

Grocery Store Man #1 and 2 – My grocery guys know what I order in the morning. The only thing I have to say is good morning and 30 seconds later I have my coffee, even if there is a line. This morning I come to find out they have been bought out. There is a new grocery store man. His name is Joey, just like my Dell customer service agents name is Bob. I says to Joey – who the hell are you? What have you done to my guys? He tells me some fancy story and then asks what I’d like. I forget what I’d like because the point is that my guys remember for me. I manage to figure it out and tell Joey that he too should remember because “I come here every morning. Don’t expect me to remember how I like my coffee and/or wait for it.” We shook hands but I’m concerned about his memory. I really miss my old grocery mans and don’t think I can move on just yet. You can’t just replace people like that. Please enjoy a poem in their honor.

Poem

Oh dear grocery store mans
was leaving me one of your master plans?

you make my coffee always right
you make my mornings oh so bright.

where did you go and will you ever come back?
because i think this joey is a total hack.

i’ll miss you forever, this much is true
because good people like you, there are so few.

4 Comments

Filed under mi | vida

zohra | email

watermellon mouth

See that watermelon? It reminds me of Zohra’s mouth. Unfortunately the only thing she uses it for is to argue with me. We had another one of those serious fights this past weekend. I got crazy and would have probably beaten her but we were in a car. Instead I kindly said “SHUT THE FUCK UP ZOHRA BEFORE I KILL YOU.” She just kept right on with her banter (THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL? FINE! FINE! FORGET I EXIST. FORGET I EXIST I SAID!!………) and I realized the only way I could escape this was to jump out of the car. I undid my seatbelt and was about to open the door when I realized we were on the highway and I was no stunt man. Instead I tried to throw her out.

We made up that evening but by the looks of things, Zohra is done with me. Again. She can’t handle my mood swings anymore. I am distraught. But only if distraught means celebrating with a jig and a glass of wine. Please enjoy her breakup email.

I want a divorce from you like right away. not a fake one either. I won’t even joke about fake Tibetan children. That was hahahaha funny. this is hahahahahah…NOT funny! I think in every marriage there is a moment when everything becomes clear and you realize the person next to you is a gypsy. Diana – you are that gypsy…you give fake predictions…you don’t bathe…and you smell of musk and cigarettes. I would like you to buy a tambourine and call someone that cares. In the divorce, I plan on taking your magic 8 ball, your collections of NYSYNC pop CD’s, your bag of sunflower seeds and your forever 21 belt collection. I hope that when the dust settles and you’re hairless, you will remember who I was – the best thing that ever happened to you since you discovered Bonsai trees. And by Bonsai I just mean trees.

YOU, my friend, are a lubricant.

I hope you’re doing okay. text me later!

She is one of those “i don’t want to be with you but I don’t want to lose you either because i still love you” breaker uppers. I dig it.

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Filed under mi | vida

marriage | rules

marriage

I don’t think you need marriage in order for this to happen. Just time.

Pic courtesy of Daniel.

4 Comments

Filed under art | work