Dear NBC Universal,
I was doing some site maintenance on my fabulous blog when I stumbled upon one of my stories “best | scene ever.” It was the scene in “The Hitcher” where John Ryder, eloquently played by Sean Bean, is driving his Camaro and shooting at cops with NIN “Closer” as the soundtrack. It makes me warm inside. And so I says, oh my, I love this scene! It is certainly the best | scene ever. Let me watch it. And so I did what any person would do when they want to watch a YouTube video they think is awesome. I pressed play.
And do you know what douchebaggery I saw? “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by NBC Universal.” What? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK, NBC?! Those are just some of the things that went through my mind. And then some more.
I want to meet the troll that is responsible for policing Youtube for this copyright infringement. You are as good in this world as New York City meter maids as you both learned how to rape us in the same way. While the City spends millions making signs to confuse us so we pay millions in tickets, you spend millions paying actors to get us to like your movies. And then when we actually do, you take away any enjoyment we might have had watching/listening to it after we originally paid to see it.
But despite the similarities you share with this fine city, there is one huge difference. I can fuck you right back. And so I will. All I wanted was the 15 second scene. But now I want the entire movie. So I will download it. Illegally. I also went your site. I’m going to illegally download everything I see there, too. Except “The Last House on the Left.” I want to see that in the theater. But I’ll probably just sneak in. So in yo face, NBC. In yo moms face, too.
In addition, I’d like to note that the picture used in this blog is from your website. Sue me. I dare you.
Last week I bought a Rubik’s cube from a man on the train. I ruined it immediately and have yet to fix it. Because obviously I am not Chinese. Such a shame.
One less Russian in this world will make the world a better place. Tis true fact. I read it somewhere.
Sergey Tuganov of Moscow bet two chicks $5,000 that he could satisfy them both for half a day. He won the bet. And then he dropped dead. Fuckey fuckey fun. Heart attack not so fun.
And so those two lucky ladies not only got banged around for the day but they got to keep their money. Dem Russian chicks are smart. Makes me wish I was one.
Did you hear about those loser NYU kids who barricaded themselves inside the cafeteria to protest financial and academic issue and were then suspended? Well now you did. And good riddance to them. Suspend them all. Hang them from nooses if necessary. Yes, even if they’re black because otherwise that would be blatant discrimination.
The thing is this – NYU is overpriced. But didn’t you know this before you accepted to go there? Didn’t you know how much the school costs and how much financial aid you weren’t going to be getting? That’s like me going into a Bentley dealership, buying a Bentley, and then coming back to protest the next day because I think their cars are overpriced and oh, shit, I just lost my mistress gig and won’t have the money to pay for it. It’s complete douchebaggery.
And please know that there are many great schools in New York that cost less and teach more. Just because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went to NYU doesn’t mean it’s a good school. Because James Franco and Julia Stiles go to Columbia. I’m sure someone noteworthy has gone to Baruch. There’s the New School and a bunch of other places that never have such public problems. Is it the school or just that NYU accepts retards?
(Sidenote: I actually saw Julia Stiles when I was working at The Og. She smiled at me and my friend. Perhaps she didn’t want us following her? I also saw Ethan Hawke. He didn’t smile. In fact he walked in the opposite direction. Am not sure why. Was offended.)
Anywho, this is the end of my rant against NYU kids. Just know that I hate you and that you ruined the West Village for me. And perhaps instead of doing these stupid things, read a book and actually learn something. You’re wasting your parents money, yo. And I’m sure they hate you, too.
Have you ever had those text message conversations that lasted the entire day? You know, the ones where you exchange only 4 messages because you each wait 2 hours before you respond. You are obviously too busy to bother. But the truth is that you do care or else you wouldn’t be waiting to respond. I actually know nothing about doing this because I am fucking cool.
My friend tells me theres another kind of text message war. The kind where you initially wait an hour to respond but then the other person responds quicker and before you know it you’ve sent 3 texts within 5 minutes. And then nothing. I pity the fool who falls into this trap. Not me, though. I’m cool.
And how about those days when you says to yourself – I’m not falling into any traps today. And you pep talk yourself and you bang on your chest like a confident cave(wo)man that you are and then…you fall for the trap.
It happens. Sometimes repeatedly. But not to me. Because I am fucking cool.
Why does everyone think its funny that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house? I think that’s pretty cool. All I see from my house is some minority with 27 of their closest kids. Sometimes I see traffic. But nothing as cool as Russia. Most of you live in real douchebag places and probably have never even left the country. And you’re making fun of her for seeing another one from her porch? Jeez. Lots of you need to stop sipping on the hateraid. It causes cancer, you know. Or at least I hope it does. In which case, keep drinking.
This comes from that chick from all over, J-Me.
“Do you think when Chris Brown was kicking Rihanna’s ass she was singing “SOS, please someone come and rescue me…” in her head? Just wondering. It’s a catchy song.”
Thank you, J-Me, for your insightful and curious mind.