Tag Archives: love

Dear Hiring Manager

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.

For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.

I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”

This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.

I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.

To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.

I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.

Sincerely,
That Chick

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matt damon ruins my life

Matt Damon won’t be returning to the Bourne franchise, saying he wants “a simple little human story. Something like Good Will Hunting or soething that’s smaller like that.” The fourth film will be a prequel, starring someone new.

Wahhh. I don’t want to work out and look hot while driving really fast cars. Wahhh I don’t want to make my fans happy. Ugh. I hate when these actors don’t feel a sense of responsibility to me, like my needs don’t matter. If I wanted to feel like that, I’d move back in with my mother.

Source: Gawker

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Filed under just | sayin

PETA is stupid

With Groundhogs day quickly approaching, the folks at PETA are scrambling to save weatherman Punxsutawney Phil (^). Instead of Phil breaking the news of a longer winter, PETA suggests a robot be used. Gemma Vaughn, an Animals in Entertainment Specialist wrote

“Make the compassionate decision to use an animatronic Phil and retire the live groundhogs who are used for Groundhog Day activities to a sanctuary. Tradition is no excuse for cruelty.”

Bill Deeley, president of the Club, thinks this bitch is crazy and had this to say….

“Phil is probably treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania. He’s got air conditioning in the summer, his pen is heated in winter … He has everything but a TV in there. What more do you want?”

I’m all for animal rights but PETA usually goes overboard. So overboard that their message is lost in the crazy. Me thinks everyone there needs a higher dose of the medication called “reality.”

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kate moss is skinny

I was reading People.com when I stumbled upon this quote from Kate Moss

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

I immediately fell in love with it but I just couldn’t help but think that what she really meant to say was that “nothing tastes as good as coke off a dirty toilet” Agreed and Agreed.

I think this is the quote that will finally inspire me to quit drinking soda and eating loafs of bread when Vinny is at work.

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i love | to travel!

chickenporch

I hate people who say things like “I love to travel.” It’s like saying “I love bread.” Of course you love bread. It’s delicious. And traveling is fun. You get to leave your regular life and go hang out somewhere else. What is not lovable about this? Nothing. Exactly. So next time someone asks you what you enjoy to do, please refrain from saying traveling. Instead say you enjoy breathing. “I enjoy breathing. But only once in a while if the funds permit.”

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naked | marge

marge

Marge Simpson is the original hot chick with a douche bag.

See her Playboy issue here here.

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beyonce: black | white?

bad 2

bad 3

Source: Photoshopdisasters.com

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