high school | reunions | kinda

^This has nothing to do with the story.

Midwood HS called me the other day. They were working on some alumni book and they wanted to know what I was up to. I personally think they were calling to mock me but I’m sure they would disagree.

So this woman, who I could only assume is 89.4 years-old , starts asking me questions.

Did you go to college? Yes.
Did you graduate? Yes.
What was your degree. BA
Do you have any other degrees? No.
Do you work? Yes
What field are you in? Uhm. Uhm. Marketing I guess.
Do you still live where you live? Yes.
Any additions to your listing? What do you mean?
Are you married? Have kids? Pregnant? No. No. I hope not.

Well Diana, for two easy payment of $39.99, you can be the proud owner of this book that will boldly bring attention to your lack of accomplishments. Can I put you down for one copy?

So I’m like, uhm. No. I have facebook. And that’s free. And she’s like, well the book lists classmates two years before and two years after you. And I’m like… OH! Really? Tell me more about people I don’t give a shit about. Go on, old lady. Don’t be shy. And she did. And I hung up. Which is mean but so was she.*

Okay, so first of all, I hate when people/organizations aren’t aware of the year. Perhaps such a book would have been useful in 1999 but I can’t imagine anyone actually buying that crap today.

And second of all, facebook is actually a great place to go to see how underachieved you really are. And by you, I mean me. Not that I don’t feel proud that I’m friends with the future doctors and lawyers of America. It actually makes me feel safe because I’m certain I will need both in my future. But wouldn’t it be nice if say, I were a doctor? Like, Hey sick patient. Doctor Diana will be with you in a moment. Just have a seat. Or if I were a lawyer. They’d say, Diana is a lawyer and so she will be representing herself during this trial. A Jewish lawyer who knows how to save. Imagine that.

I personally think it would make my mom very happy. She likes it when I’m considerate about where I spend my money.

*I didn’t actually hang up on her. Because the last time I hung up on someone like her (customer service, etc), my mom got really mad at me and said it wasn’t nice. And I was like, maybe you’re right but he/she/whocares was overwhelming me with talk and I didn’t know what else to do. Too much pressure. And she’s like, you’re an idiot. So now I don’t hang up on people anymore because I feel bad. I just stop listening. Clearly that’s nicer.

that chick | i stalk | chap 3

I met that chick I stalk. This is how it happened.

I went to Starbucks like I always do and when I entered, that chick was sitting in a comfy cushion seat and right next to her was, gasp, an empty comfy cushion seat. This is when the sweat starting coming. But I’m a quick thinker and so I didn’t let nerves get the best of me. I went to claim the seat by putting my jacket down. “Can you make sure no heathen tries to steal this seat/my stuff while I get coffee?” I asked. “Definitely,” she said. I blushed.

I returned with my coffee and while I was really nervous, I decided to just get over it and talk to her. I mean, she said “definitely” when I asked her to watch my stuff. Obviously she wanted to be friends. And so I took a deep breath, adjusted my bag so that the rope didn’t show and started talking.

And she talked back!

And I pretty much found out everything I wanted to know. She is writing a book and she quit her job to do it. My hero. She was a very nice girl and I would like to see her again but now that I got what I needed, she’s no longer that chick I stalk. Like, I don’t even remember what she was wearing and the only reason I even wrote this was because the story needed a conclusion. I’m over it and shopping around for a new subject. Let me know if you’re not interested.

I feel so dirty. Like a boy who just fucked an easy girl. (Yuck times two.) Squared.

Read other chapters

Chap 1
Chap 2

shit | list

It’s been a lovely week on the work front. The man caught me working three times and only on WordPress twice and so I think we’re in cahoots again.

Today he emailed me to let me know he will be late. At that moment, I got a call from finance. It was a tumultuous conversation at best and so afterwards, I replied to his email with the following:

I just got yelled at by the budget coordinator for ##########. She asked me why we need draft invoices and after I explained why she said NO and to please stop asking. So I said FINE and she said have a blessed day. But I don’t think she meant it.

And then the man asked me her name and I didn’t know her name. And so I called the other budget coordinator to get the name because now I’m efficient and get shit done. And so i get the name and email the man and he replies with the following:

Ok – she’s officially on the shit list

I don’t know what it was but my heart melted. Like, awwwww. Now, she very well may be on the shit list because she doesn’t want to send us draft invoices or maybe she is on the shit list because she told me to have a blessed day but didn’t mean it. Either way, I feel like we’re a team again and this pleases me so.

I’m really inspired to get caught working again this week. It makes me feel good and accomplished.

P.S. Dear the Man. If you are reading this, please know that I really like and respect you and I’m posting this right now because I’m drinking my Starbucks and this is obviously my lunch time.