professional | breast stroker

Why is it that we reward inadequate children with photo shoots? This girl is clearly old enough to know how to swim and yet there she stands, with her arms on her waist and a victorious smile. It’s as if she is awaiting a gold medal for being the least talented child at the swimming pool.

Her mother is equally as proud. She looks up at her daughter with a smile that suggests she will be telling her friends about this accomplishment. “My wonderful Suzy is like Michael Phelps. She will sink quicker than any other child. Would you like to arrange a race?”

If only all mothers were like mine. She taught me how to swim at a very early age by throwing me into the bathtub. “You wanted to swim? Go swim. Just keep talking so I know you’re alive,” she would say before going into the other room to chat on the phone. This is how I learned how to hold my breath underwater and swim long distances. Unlike Suzy, I actually had talent but I never got my photo shoot.Or a medal. Only moderate brain damage that I attribute to the ceramic tiles and their incessant need to hurl themselves at my head. Haters.

high school | reunions | kinda

^This has nothing to do with the story.

Midwood HS called me the other day. They were working on some alumni book and they wanted to know what I was up to. I personally think they were calling to mock me but I’m sure they would disagree.

So this woman, who I could only assume is 89.4 years-old , starts asking me questions.

Did you go to college? Yes.
Did you graduate? Yes.
What was your degree. BA
Do you have any other degrees? No.
Do you work? Yes
What field are you in? Uhm. Uhm. Marketing I guess.
Do you still live where you live? Yes.
Any additions to your listing? What do you mean?
Are you married? Have kids? Pregnant? No. No. I hope not.

Well Diana, for two easy payment of $39.99, you can be the proud owner of this book that will boldly bring attention to your lack of accomplishments. Can I put you down for one copy?

So I’m like, uhm. No. I have facebook. And that’s free. And she’s like, well the book lists classmates two years before and two years after you. And I’m like… OH! Really? Tell me more about people I don’t give a shit about. Go on, old lady. Don’t be shy. And she did. And I hung up. Which is mean but so was she.*

Okay, so first of all, I hate when people/organizations aren’t aware of the year. Perhaps such a book would have been useful in 1999 but I can’t imagine anyone actually buying that crap today.

And second of all, facebook is actually a great place to go to see how underachieved you really are. And by you, I mean me. Not that I don’t feel proud that I’m friends with the future doctors and lawyers of America. It actually makes me feel safe because I’m certain I will need both in my future. But wouldn’t it be nice if say, I were a doctor? Like, Hey sick patient. Doctor Diana will be with you in a moment. Just have a seat. Or if I were a lawyer. They’d say, Diana is a lawyer and so she will be representing herself during this trial. A Jewish lawyer who knows how to save. Imagine that.

I personally think it would make my mom very happy. She likes it when I’m considerate about where I spend my money.

*I didn’t actually hang up on her. Because the last time I hung up on someone like her (customer service, etc), my mom got really mad at me and said it wasn’t nice. And I was like, maybe you’re right but he/she/whocares was overwhelming me with talk and I didn’t know what else to do. Too much pressure. And she’s like, you’re an idiot. So now I don’t hang up on people anymore because I feel bad. I just stop listening. Clearly that’s nicer.