that person who | stalks me

Sarah and I got off the elevator today and I noticed something by the door. It was obstructed by the pillar I placed near my door and so I yelled in a voice way too loud “WHAT IS THAT?” I get closer and I see that it’s a lovely little package of sweets. I pick it up to examine it and I see that there is no note. So I’m like, what the fuck. Who leaves something by your door and doesn’t leave a note? And then Sarah said something I don’t remember because I was too busy ranting about the lack of note and I was oh so bothered.

Then I went to my room to reflect. I remembered two weeks ago – I had done grocery shopping finally and needed a cart to bring it up to the apartment. Even in the cart it was super heavy and so it took some time and effort getting it up the building stairs. But when I stepped into the lobby vestibule, the door to the main lobby just started buzzing open. Jesus, is that you? (I’ve been carrying him around with me again.) Seriously. It was the weirdest and most flattering thing.

So I’m thinking maybe I have a stalker?! A stalker who opens doors for me and leaves me cookies. How karmalicious that is.

But the other side of my brain knows I’m not that lucky and I shouldn’t expect so much from life. I hope to learn the truth soon. I will keep you posted.

fuck you | angels in waiting

I’m thinking maybe I should stop saying fuck you so much? It’s not lady-like I hear. But whatever. I’ll deal with this another time because today I am annoyed.

What’s up with the world hating on Octomom Nadya Suleman?! Apparently someone reported that Angels in Waiting was going to be helping her out with the babies. Apparently this wasn’t true and Angels in Waiting went buckshit crazy.

“AIW Home Care is NOT and HAS NOT been connected in any way to Nadya Suleman, the Octuplets’ Mother in California who gave birth to 8 additional children.

Angels in Waiting Home Care is NOT donating or supporting Nadya Suleman in any form.

Angels in Waiting Home Care has NEVER been associated with Ms. Suleman in any form.

Any company or persons using ANGELS IN WAITING Home Care is in violation of TRADEMARK LAWS and AIW Home Care will pursue legal actions against anyone violating them.”

You’re not helping the mom, douchebags. You’re also NOT helping her children. Just because you don’t agree with her decision doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help the innocent children. Why is this idea so far fetched?! Why is everyone such a sheep. Can someone out there have a heart and stop focusing on her crazy and maybe focus on those 8 lil babies who need clothes, diapers, food, etc? Shit. If I had the money, I’d give it to you.

In conclusion, angels in waiting are not angels at all. They are demons.

damn yo | this shit sucks

I was overjoyed to learn that alternate side parking was suspended today and that I wouldn’t have to get up early to re-park the car. A couple of reasons for overjoyedness.

1) I don’t have a shovel to get that fucker out.
2) But even if I did, I don’t know where the keys are.

I’m thinking that perhaps I should kill myself before my mother does. She called yesterday. Asked about her baby (the car). I lied. Said it was safely tucked away in her parking spot. Why would I make her worry on her vacation, you know?

But I’m not going to worry about this for now because there is a little girl with leukemia out there who got married before I did. And that is a far more important issue to stress out about.

In other news, Val doesn’t work at work either and so she
urbanddictionaried her name and mine, too. I will leave you with the one she thought was most fitting for me.

Diana: Completely strung out on caffiene so that words are unintelligible and rodent-like, muscle spasms are frequent, and random fascinations dominate speech and action, e.g. shiny objects, scarves, capes, and magic tricks.

It must be true because J-Me thought I was on coke the first time she met me…and I wasn’t! I was like like, dude, that’s such a low opinion of me. I’d never do blow at 4PM on a Sunday. Give a chick some credit.

fuck you | nbc universal

Dear NBC Universal,

I was doing some site maintenance on my fabulous blog when I stumbled upon one of my stories “best | scene ever.” It was the scene in “The Hitcher” where John Ryder, eloquently played by Sean Bean, is driving his Camaro and shooting at cops with NIN “Closer” as the soundtrack. It makes me warm inside. And so I says, oh my, I love this scene! It is certainly the best | scene ever. Let me watch it. And so I did what any person would do when they want to watch a YouTube video they think is awesome. I pressed play.

And do you know what douchebaggery I saw? “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by NBC Universal.” What? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK, NBC?! Those are just some of the things that went through my mind. And then some more.

I want to meet the troll that is responsible for policing Youtube for this copyright infringement. You are as good in this world as New York City meter maids as you both learned how to rape us in the same way. While the City spends millions making signs to confuse us so we pay millions in tickets, you spend millions paying actors to get us to like your movies. And then when we actually do, you take away any enjoyment we might have had watching/listening to it after we originally paid to see it.

But despite the similarities you share with this fine city, there is one huge difference. I can fuck you right back. And so I will. All I wanted was the 15 second scene. But now I want the entire movie. So I will download it. Illegally. I also went your site. I’m going to illegally download everything I see there, too. Except “The Last House on the Left.” I want to see that in the theater. But I’ll probably just sneak in. So in yo face, NBC. In yo moms face, too.

In addition, I’d like to note that the picture used in this blog is from your website. Sue me. I dare you.

Sincerely,
That Chick

mickey | rourke

Val asked me to post this because she loves Mickey Rourke. I think she loves him so much that she was blinded by the fact that she was on Youtube and not Redtube. But alas, the video is pretty cool because he is pretty cool. You can imagine how upset she was when Sean “Not Mickey Rourke” Penn won the Oscar for Best Male Actor. I don’t even want to get into the choice words she used but let’s just say we should keep Sean and Val apart.

That Sasquatch to the left is Val. To the right is Charlene. Val won and now it all makes sense. Update: It actually doesn’t make sense. Mickey was a The Wrestler and Val is a boxer. Oh, well.

best | scene ever

things you should know about me

1) i love fast cars.
2) i love boys who drive fast cars.
3) i love boys who can drive fast cars and simultaneously shoot at cops and helicopters.

This scene is from the classic remake of the classic film “The Hitcher.” It stars Sean Bean and is about him driving a fast car and shooting at people. I know that if I was in the movie, him and I would be friends. It’s because I get along better with sociopaths. I understand their pain, you know. But if by chance he wanted to shoot at me, I’d request he do it from behind. You want to bring me closer to God? Let’s do this.

Oh, the things I’d do for love.