rage | against the machine | pt 1

Diana

I have spent the last three weeks trying to get fired. My efforts have been fruitless.

This is my story.

Three weeks ago, The Man summoned me into his office. I had just submitted another report with an abundance of errors. The numbers didn’t match up. I forgot, yet again, to format the columns correctly. He was angry.

“Diana. I have given you so many chances. I really don’t want to do this but if you don’t impress me in the next three weeks, I’m going to have to let you go.”

At first I was like, omg. omg. omg. omg. I’m going to get fired. How will I live? What if this? What if that? omg.

But then I was like, this is awesome. My dream of being unemployed will finally come true! Instead of spending my days carelessly dealing with clients I couldn’t care less about, I could actually be productive. I could do my hair and clean my room in the way it deserves to be cleaned. I can lunch and play tennis. I can write blogs to my hearts desire without looking over my shoulder in fear. Most importantly, I could sleep late and not take that vile F train with those peasants.

Not impressing The Man turned out to be easy. I simply continued doing what I was doing. And some.

I took two vacation days. And two sick days. I came a bit late and left a bit early. I stopped responding to emails. I rolled my eyes when passing people in the hall. I didn’t flush the toilet. I made penis art with my desktop icons. I then saved it to my desktop and called it Diana.

And then came week 3. I emailed The Man to talk.

“So, I was wondering what my status was here?” I asked.

He proceeded to tell me all of the things I was doing wrong. Again. With every fault of mine he mentioned, I nodded my head and said I know. I’m trying my best. It’s just that Excel is not my thing. I can’t help it. It’s just not my thing. I get easily confused.

He noted that he couldn’t believe I just told him “excel was not my thing.”

I noted that I was just being honest. Then I asked if I will have a job next week.

“Yes, you will have a job next week. You will have a review and maybe we’ll send you to Excel training.”

“Right. Thanks. Okay. I’m going to go now. Thanks. Okay. Bye” I said before rushing outside to have a fit. A review? Excel training? Really? REALLY?

What in the fucks name does a chick gotta do to get fired these days? I shall tell you.

Next time.

PS. Don’t IM me with questions in regards to this topic until I am on my non-work IM. K. Thanks.

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16 Comments

Filed under douche | baggery, mi | vida

16 responses to “rage | against the machine | pt 1

  1. Sarah/The Bitch That Left NY

    Lol Excel training??? Poor you. I told my mom your story on the way back from the airport..everyone over here on the West Coast is wishing you a happy demise at work! (I mean that in a good…yay fired! kind of way…)

  2. severnyproductions

    Interesting story. You could just leave though

  3. The minute they took away your favorite red stapler, you should have lit the place on fire.

  4. i think its time for emergency measures, sleep with the THE MAN and then accuse him of impregnating you.

    Worked for me twice!

  5. First of all, nice job on your desktop penis. Very life like.

    As to getting fired, just keep missing about every third day of work. That should do it and it is a painless way to get terminated.

  6. I’m with tannerleah..just stop showing up every other day. My friend worked in a hotdog stand and she just stopped showing up, and sometimes she’d just give shit away for free…once she was doing wheelies in the parking lot at Home Depot with the cart..it took them awhile..but dammit she finally got fired…though she wasn’t really trying to get fired….hmm..if that doesn’t work…..pretend you have a severe phobia of staplers for a week, then switch to the coffee pot, then switch to computer mouses…etc..until someone finally fires you….

  7. Maria

    Ask for a raise

  8. BigCheeze!

    How about an unplanned vacation to Argentina?

  9. Ugh. God. I’ve been trying to get laid off/dismissed (hello unemployment benefits) forever now and that shit is so much harder than it looks. However, this cavalier attitude *has* allowed me to approach every task with a certain relaxation. Because what’s the worst that can happen? I’d get fired? Yeah. Exactly.

  10. Jason

    You are brilliant. If you ever get your life fully together I fear we will no longer have anything in common.

  11. Jason

    A nice touch would be to start calling everyone by the wrong name. Including The Man.

  12. speechless.. i will have to tell u this story in detail at some point.. but at my office someone got fired for working overtime..and on sundays..

  13. irahsa

    nice story anyway.. 🙂

  14. Pingback: rage | against the machine | pt 2 « hi | get comfy | stay awhile | meet…

  15. Before I read this, and I WILL read this, I want to say how glorious that rocket is on your computer screen! I can’t wait to make my own!

    Sorry The Man sucks big corporate dick. 😦

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