zohra | email

watermellon mouth

See that watermelon? It reminds me of Zohra’s mouth. Unfortunately the only thing she uses it for is to argue with me. We had another one of those serious fights this past weekend. I got crazy and would have probably beaten her but we were in a car. Instead I kindly said “SHUT THE FUCK UP ZOHRA BEFORE I KILL YOU.” She just kept right on with her banter (THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL? FINE! FINE! FORGET I EXIST. FORGET I EXIST I SAID!!………) and I realized the only way I could escape this was to jump out of the car. I undid my seatbelt and was about to open the door when I realized we were on the highway and I was no stunt man. Instead I tried to throw her out.

We made up that evening but by the looks of things, Zohra is done with me. Again. She can’t handle my mood swings anymore. I am distraught. But only if distraught means celebrating with a jig and a glass of wine. Please enjoy her breakup email.

I want a divorce from you like right away. not a fake one either. I won’t even joke about fake Tibetan children. That was hahahaha funny. this is hahahahahah…NOT funny! I think in every marriage there is a moment when everything becomes clear and you realize the person next to you is a gypsy. Diana – you are that gypsy…you give fake predictions…you don’t bathe…and you smell of musk and cigarettes. I would like you to buy a tambourine and call someone that cares. In the divorce, I plan on taking your magic 8 ball, your collections of NYSYNC pop CD’s, your bag of sunflower seeds and your forever 21 belt collection. I hope that when the dust settles and you’re hairless, you will remember who I was – the best thing that ever happened to you since you discovered Bonsai trees. And by Bonsai I just mean trees.

YOU, my friend, are a lubricant.

I hope you’re doing okay. text me later!

She is one of those “i don’t want to be with you but I don’t want to lose you either because i still love you” breaker uppers. I dig it.



Filed under mi | vida

6 responses to “zohra | email

  1. There would be some serious throw downs over that Century 21 belt collection if it were me. Just sayin’.

  2. Aloysius Snuffleupagus

    did you try bashing her head against the passenger-side window and dashboard… i hear that works..

  3. I got dumped by my friend last month. What sucks most is that I was sick of her ass and just holding on because… well, because I am a glutton for punishment. So now I’m all icky bitter about that skank bitch. Which makes me feel like a bigger loser.

    I’m glad you didn’t kill her. That’s not what they mean when they say, “We’re so tight, I’d go to prison for her.” If they actually say that.

  4. jessica – whats her number? i can prank call her and make her feel equally as bitter.

  5. I deleted it after I butt-dialed her the other day. Then I deleted her email address because apparently my ass is talented. 😀 However, I truly appreciate the offer.

  6. Zohra

    WOW I realized these stories are making me look horrible to the world. That sucks! 1 2 3 4 5…sorry I started to count what was I saying OH yeah I don’t care. Thanks!

    I love you Diana great story you rock my world.

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