stuff i | steal


I was having dinner with the ladies when I somehow start talking with our waitress. I says, I need to go tanning. And she’s like, yeah me too. I miss it. So we start discussing how expensive it is in the city and how it’s cheaper in Brooklyn and blah blah. And then she mentions something about cancer and I’m like, oh yeah. Melanoma or whatever, right. And she’s like “You had it?” And I’m like, “No, did you?” And she’s like “Yeah. I had cancer on my back.” And I was like, oh. Well then I guess you could use bronzer then.

Then she left and I was completely offended by her ruining my mental tanning session. Because, what the fuck. It’s like me walking into a strangers smoking circle to talk about someone I know who just died from lung cancer. Not very polite, is it.

On a brighter note, Jamie and I stole the above pictured cup from said restaurant. You know how sometimes you walk into a place and spot a person and you’re like, I want that person and you don’t know what it is about them – it’s just the feeling you get? That’s how I feel about stealing stuff. I don’t know why I want it, I just do.

I spent the entire evening devising an elaborate plan to accomplish getting it. I coached the ladies on how to place their cups and calculated how long we had before we finished the beverages so that it was fully empty. It was trying. Then when the waitress wasn’t around, Jamie spilled her excess ice into my cup and speedily put it in my bag. It was exhilarating and all that mental anguish I had while planning was worth it.

Have a nice weekend.



Filed under twat | monkey

8 responses to “stuff i | steal

  1. I stole a shaker from a pizza place and my kids were horrified. I couldn’t explain why I did it, I just wanted it and implusively stuck it in my purse as we were leaving. Now I know I’m going to hell.

  2. Aloysius Snuffleupagus

    what you are all describing is classic textbook signs of kleptomania… interestingly enough, theres also a high association with bulimia!

    also tanning is too expensive.. just go to your doctor and tell him you’d like a prescription for tetracycline (its an antibiotic used for shit like viruses and acne)–it has photosensitizing properties–so a few minutes in sun and you will have a proper tan (this might result in some of your skin scalding off, but its nothing some minor grafting cant fix). happy basking!

  3. i steal things from restaurants too. spoons and ramekins mostly. we never have enough spoons in my house. oh and sometimes i steal things from other MP3 players, i stole 2 of those from Best Buy..dunno why..i already have i just gave the ones i stole away. im like you planning and stuff in my head. its weird…

  4. Jamie Spencer

    I walk out with drinks all the time. My wife hates it, but for me it’s a blast. I just like trying to see if anyone will say anything. I have yet to be stopped by a single person. I know if I worked in a resteraunt and someone brazenly walked right in front of me with said resteraunts hardware on the way out the door i’d have to tackle them and make a big scene and probably get fired and/or sued as a result. I guess that’s why no one has ever said anything to me. I don’t even keep the cups. It’s all about the process of “aquiring” the cups that does it. Just last week I walked out of Waffle House with a big ass red glass that the waitress had just refilled.

  5. i walked out of a restaurant in guatemala with the most beautiful cup. then i thought i lost it and i cried. but then i saw my mom had it and wondered why she was stealing from me. the point is that its ok to take steal from restaurants because they expect it. but stealing from best buy, a big NO NO. bc then if you get caught, youll get arrested and then theyll handcuff you and when you laugh, theyll ask if you think its funny and when you say yes, theyll handcuff you to the wall at the precinct and wont let you use the bathroom. im just saying. not fun.

    we’re all going to hell.

  6. eelyakm

    Hahaha thats hilarious. Once I was at a japanese restuarant and I stole their little dipping sauce plate things… they’re shaped really cool I think thats why I had the sudden urge to take it. Who knows.

  7. Jamie

    that was certainly a great day….what a rush D, next time we are going to Chili’s and getting the gigantic margarita glasses!

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