I used to work with the guys from Askmen.com and so now I feel obligated to read their shit even though I despised working with them. Except Chris because he was kinda cute and gave me the will to brush my hair when I came to work.
So today I stumbled upon one of their articles about women and doublespeak. Apparently while women analyze everything man says, it’s us, the chicks, who are actually guilty of lying and saying shit we don’t mean. I smell rocket science brewing. So I went to the article and read. It’s amusing to see what boys think girls lie about. I kinda disagreed with some of what they spewed. Then I wrote about it.
Lies Women Tell
#10: “This dress is really old.” What she could be hiding: That dress isn’t old, it’s new and it was expensive. She spent more money than she should have spent on a dress. She just doesn’t want you to know how much it cost because it will cause a problem; today and possibly for the rest of your relationship.
This Chick: If I’m saying this dress is really old, it’s because it is. And I would love it if you gave me money to buy a new one. But if I bought a new, expensive dress, I’d say it loud and say it proud. “You see this dress? I spent a lot of money on it to look good for you. You better tell me you like it right now. And for the rest of the night until you take it off of me and I never wear it again.”
#9: “Are you still hungry?” What she could be hiding: She thinks you are gaining weight, but she doesn’t know how to tell you. She can joke or poke (usually at the midsection) and make comments about her “big man,” but she thinks you are turning into a load
This Chick: If I ask if you’re still hungry, I genuinely care if you’re still hungry. Perhaps I will make you a sandwhich, or direct you to the cabinet with the take-out menu. If I think you’re turning into a fat fuck, I will kindly say “You’re still hungry? You’re becoming quite the fatty, aren’t you?”
#8: “What are you going to wear?” What she is hiding: She doesn’t trust your ability to dress yourself. She also might not like your clothing options. Sure, it was cute in the beginning when you were wearing warm-up pants to the grocery store, but now that your track suit has joined the rotation of clothing for “going out,” she thinks you need to start dressing more appropriately.
This Chick: Ditto. But who cares really? If I really cared so much, I would just kindly say “I’d appreciate if you wore this so that your tie can match my dress and then we will be the golden couple, a la Jada Pinkett and Will Smith. Otherwise, if your girl cares more about what you wear than who you are, she isn’t a very nice girl.
#7: “I’ll find my own way to [some place you usually take her].” What she could be hiding: When you first got together, she wouldn’t run to the post office without asking you to tag along, but now she is flying solo more than Chuck Yeager. She tells you she is going to the mall, so you think she is going to the mall. Guess where she isn’t going? Figured it out yet, doctor? She wants you off her scent.
This Chick: Yup. If I want to do something alone, it’s likely because I am fucking your brother. But riddle me this batman – maybe you’re too much up on her shit and she needs to breathe/think without you there. Crazy idea, right. Or maybe she hates you and the less time you spend together, the better her day will be.
#6: “I really like that guy’s hair/shirt/suit.” What she is hiding: This statement means she knows what she doesn’t like about you, but doesn’t have the heart to tell you to your face. There is something about you she wants to change. Instead of suggesting a new hairstyle or nice suit she points out the things she likes on other men and hopes you get the point.
This Chick: WRONG. It’s because I want to be with him more than you. Given that men don’t listen to 96% of what their girls are saying, it is likely that she is simply thinking out loud.
#5: “You don’t have to come.” What she could be hiding: Most guys always get dragged to events that they don’t need to attend. Women don’t care: They want their men in the building. Now, suddenly, all the places you hated going, you don’t have to go to anymore. Great for you, right? Wrong. She just figured out she doesn’t want you there as much as you don’t want to be there. She will have more fun without you and won’t have to worry about keeping you happy and occupied.
This Chick: True. If I wanted to babysit, I’d get a goldfish.
#4: “I can’t drink/eat sushi.” What she could be hiding: If sushi and cocktails were once a huge part of her weekly caloric intake, and now she refuses to touch either, she is pregnant.
This Chick: Never been pregnant long enough to know if this is true but I guess perhaps it makes sense. I would just be like “listen, dude. I oopsed you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.”
#3: “I’m seeing people from work.” What she could be hiding: There is a group of individuals in her social circle that you don’t know and she feels OK with that. There could be a simple reason for not introducing them, like schedule conflicts, differing interests or perhaps her coworkers are all single and you’d be a “third wheel” in the group. On the other hand, she could just be embarrassed of you and doesn’t want you to ruin her chances of success in the work place or her relationship with a certain group of people. It could also be the fact that she doesn’t want other people (specifically Steve from sales) to meet you or know she is in a relationship. Any way you slice it, this isn’t a positive thing.
This Chick: True. If your girl says this to you, then you’re probably a wanker and you have bigger problems to deal with.
#2: “Don’t wait up.” What she could be hiding: If your significant other is telling you to go to bed because she doesn’t know what time she is getting home and isn’t planning on figuring it out, there is something very wrong in the relationship.
This Chick: What a stupid whore thing to say. Instead say you’ll be home by midnight and then conveniently come up with an excuse as to why you didn’t come home or call. This is a favorite amongst guys and works every time simply because there is no proof that this is a lie. Unless there is proof in which case you should plan better.
#1: “Who was I talking to? No one.” What she could be hiding: Here is a quick lesson on how the phone works; you need two people to have a conversation, one on each end of the line. Being on the phone with “no one” isn’t an option unless she is talking to a dial tone or the person’s actual name is Dolores No One — she is hiding something or someone (not to be confused with the aforementioned “No One”).
This Chick: This would never happen unless you’re with a dumb chick. Because a smart one would never get caught doing this. In fact, if you catch her doing it, it is likely because she is fucking your brother and would rather you find out than her have to tell you. What an uncomfortable family reunion that would be.