I hate people who say things like “I love to travel.” It’s like saying “I love bread.” Of course you love bread. It’s delicious. And traveling is fun. You get to leave your regular life and go hang out somewhere else. What is not lovable about this? Nothing. Exactly. So next time someone asks you what you enjoy to do, please refrain from saying traveling. Instead say you enjoy breathing. “I enjoy breathing. But only once in a while if the funds permit.”
Filed under douche | baggery
Filed under art | work
“After twenty years of sex-free marriage, a frigid woman has discovered that her asexual husband is really a woman, and she finally admitted that she is really a man.”
What’s up with people getting married without having sex first? That’s just wrong.
More…
“Marco and Kalala Tergensonen, of Kuopio, Finland, had both been dressing as the opposite sex since their teenage years.
Marco, originally Marcia, 38, had always enjoyed dressing, talking, and acting like a woman.
And Kalala, originally Katu, had always enjoyed cutting his hair and dressing to look like a man.
When the couple fell in love and got married, it just made each of their little games that much more believable.
And, in twenty years, they just never got around to having sex. The subject simply never came up, since neither of them wanted to face the issue.”
Filed under douche | baggery
I would like to thank the Nobel Committee for awarding me this wonderful honor. Had I known it was this easy, I would have started to talk about doing things but not actually doing them ages ago.
Filed under douche | baggery
What I do to get boys to kiss me? I touch their junk. That’s pretty much it.
Filed under not | redtube
I’m not one of those regular girls. I don’t shop for hours, I hate fighting and sometimes I pee standing up. I also don’t live my life to get married. However, I do love weddings. And I love, love, LOVE this video. Two people in love having fun on their wedding day. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Filed under not | redtube
See that dude? His names is Sean Roberts. Sean and his lady pal Billie Kiser decided it would be a good idea to rob some people. So they did. Sean and Billie broke into a mobile home and stole prescription drugs, a DVD player, a CD player and $120 in cash. They ran away but were later caught when the residents identified Sean and his fancy face tattoo. Shocking.
At first I was like, “Woah! People still use CD Players?” But then I re-read and saw it was a mobile home and it all made sense. But then I wondered why he wouldn’t wear a ski mask. That is, after all, the preferred facial attire for robbers. But I suppose it’s hot in Florida and they might not sell those? Either way, this fella seems to have a bright future ahead. Mozel Tov!
Read more here.
Filed under douche | baggery
Unfortunately I’ve never waken up with a boner. Otherwise I would be able to test out that fancy trick if I had to pee with one. Apparently it’s hard for dudes to potty when this occurs.
Pun somewhat completely intended.
For more ways to pee when you’re hard, click here.
Filed under ass | face
A few months ago, I embarked on a glorious journey I liked to call Operation: Gain 10. This entailed me eating food in an effort to gain 10 pounds, all of which I hoped would spread evenly amongst my boobage and butt areas. My main goal was to look more like my idol, Kim Kardashian, and less like my non-idol, Olive Oyl, aka: Popeye’s lady love.
I am proud to announce that my goal has been achieved.
I discovered my victory one evening when I was getting dressed. First I put on my jeans. This took 6 minutes. I jumped around a bit as this was the only way I could get them over my thighs. Then I had to lie down to button them up. I admired my flat tummy while on my back and it reminded me of why I was so fond of being there so much. It was a lovely moment.
Next up was my top. I decided on a tank I had bought last summer. I put that one. Then I went to the mirror to check my hot self out. But the chick in the mirror wasn’t so happy to see me. In fact, she was frowning. And without warning, she just flipped out and started to yell.
“Damn girl. Your tummy is like a tsunami all up in dem jeans!!!”
I don’t know why my alter ego speaks ghetto but I didn’t try to figure it out just then. I was too busy sobbing in the corner, coming to terms with the fact that I, that skinny bitch, had succeeded in her mission and not only gained 10 pounds but a muffin top to go along with it.
A fucking MUFFIN TOP. It was a horrible site to behold.
For those of you not in the know, muffin top was designed to humiliate and cause extreme discomfort. It is your jeans way of letting you know they are not pleased to be on your fat ass. And we all know – if the fat can’t stay inside, then you should.
I immediately changed into something more comfortable – i.e. something out of my pregnant woman closet. That is where I stock my none-form fitting “fashionable” tops. The tops that, when worn with a belt, will completely mask the fact that I look like I just ate a three-month old baby. The tops that, when worn without a belt, will drape over my body like a designer garbage bag. I love those tops.
In conclusion, I am fat. And in the spirit of this new discovery, I’d like to invite you on my new journey, aptly titled Operation: Lose 5. Please bring your helmets – it’s going to be a turbulent ride.
Filed under mi | vida
Two chicks driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed it into some dude’s house while they were trying to make a U turn. The driver got confused between drive and reverse and as you see, crashed her weiner into a house.
I wish someone crashed their wienermobile into my house. And by house I mean….something else. And not only because I live on the 5th floor of an apartment building.
Read more wiener news here.
Filed under douche | baggery
To: Diana
From: Zohra
Subject: FML
Side note. I got my period late tonight and had to force my mom to go with me at 10:30 to buy pads from the deli. She was flipping out on me and she blamed this issue on my smoking habit. She thinks if I smoked less and cleaned my room more, my period would come at a more appropriate hour. She said that if I was more organized I would have pads already. This is true but seriously I would rather be digging ditches in Guam or listening to David Hasselfhoff’s greatest hits on replay over and over again (Yes I know he is famous in Germany),than sit through this conversation. The deli was selling pads for 7 dollars so we walked over to Golden farm…they had pads but they put it up on top of the highest shelf because only Giant women buy pads from Golden farm. I had to ask the tall Asian man behind the counter to get one of those stick things that helped him grab them as the whole store stared at me while my mother yelled at me for smoking too much. This was exciting for everyone at Golden Farm…he then took the pads and scanned them and then placed them in a clear plastic bag so that when I walked out of the store I would do the walk of shame. Everyone in Golden farm would know I was the girl with the period accompanied by her yelling mother. I wanted to run out but then my mother notices that they were selling mangos at a low cost so she had to of course buy some. So I stood there with my clear plastic bag of shame as my mom bought two mangos. On our walk home she cooled down and started discussing her mangos and how cheap the tomatoes were.
Thank you.
Filed under mi | vida
My college degree obviously paid off. How else would I be able to handle the task assigned to me if not for those years of training?
Today’s assignment: Click on the links to make sure they work. It looks easy but it’s not. First I laughed for a good 3 minutes upon seeing Turkey Revolution. Then I laughed when I saw how many people are actually interested in this. Then I spent twenty minutes posting this. I suppose the entire link clicking task will take me approximately 2 hours to complete – only one hour longer than your standard retard.
Moving on up.
Filed under mi | vida
Some of you have been what the fucking me about the blog. “Why haven’t you posted?” “I’m disappointed in you.” “I hate your face slut. Post something already.”
Hearing those things makes me feel very loved and I thank you all.
The reason I haven’t been posting is because my computer crashed. My C: drive was at 98% capacity and I couldn’t quite figure out how to use my external hard drive. Daniel told me I shouldn’t turn the comp off but one night, my electricity went out and the thing went black. When I turned it back on, there was a message about selecting this to do that or selecting that to do this. I didn’t understand and so I decided it was probably best to call Dell and have them guide me. I waited a week to call because I was busy and when I finally did, they told me that the computer didn’t crash, the battery had just died. Just select this and then plug it in. It should work. It did.
Now my C: drive is at 99% capacity but its working like a champ.
Anywho, I’ll try not to disappear again and only some of the above is true.
Happy Sunday!
Filed under mi | vida
Barack Obama wanted to close Gitmo but the poor guy saw opposition in Senate. Even his own team thumbs downed him. Apparently, no one really wants these detainees to come to the US. And I’m like, why the fuck not? Bring them to New York!
I wouldn’t mind paying extra taxes to build a new, more suitable detention center for these fine citizens of society. We have so much extra room, too. Union Square is practually desolate and the Lower East Side is just screaming for a new building. In addition to stimulating the local economy with new construction, supporters of this brilliant plan wouldn’t have to travel far to mingle with those they care so much about. It would be a championship moment in history.
I am sorry, Mr. President, that you have to work with such vile, racist people. I hope you eventually succeed in your plan so that we can all live happily together in this great land. Just like Jesus wanted.
Filed under douche | baggery
Over the course of the last two years, I’ve learned many valuable lessons. The most important one is that people are not a constant. They will always leave you, usually when you least expect it or when you need them the most. This is the formula of life. In order to cope with this discovery, I have perfected the art of not having feelings. I simply beat them out of me in order to not be bothered by the inevitable.
The following people are either leaving or have already left.
Val: Her departure was not a shock and so I had time to detach myself from her ample bosoms and luxurious mane of Chewbacca-esque hair. What I will miss most about her is her creepy ability to read my mind. All we have to do is look at each other and she will know what mischief is brewing. She will take me to the side and say something like “I understand your need to __________________ but why don’t you think about _____________ and ____________ before you go and do that?” Then I spend some time thinking about it before I go and do that. She will then blink three times at me and I will know exactly what she is saying. Usually it is “You’re an asshole” but sometimes she throws in a “You fucking suck” for good measure. While I can live without such telepathy, I would much prefer not to. I await her return to civilization but until then I’ve made new friends who will help me forget about her.
Sarah: It was disturbing to learn that Sarah would be moving back to the West Coast, leaving me roommateless once again. I had grown accustomed to her cooking me dinner every night and baking cookies. My heart skipped a beat when she broke the news. Mostly it was because I wondered who would change Moses’ water and brush his shell. She is also funny and tells good celebrity stories but her care taking skills are exceptional. Sarah taught me how to do laundry in the basement, how to make tasty eggs but not much else really. She will be missed but I hope to find a new roommate soon who will help me forget about her.
Grocery Store Man #1 and 2 – My grocery guys know what I order in the morning. The only thing I have to say is good morning and 30 seconds later I have my coffee, even if there is a line. This morning I come to find out they have been bought out. There is a new grocery store man. His name is Joey, just like my Dell customer service agents name is Bob. I says to Joey – who the hell are you? What have you done to my guys? He tells me some fancy story and then asks what I’d like. I forget what I’d like because the point is that my guys remember for me. I manage to figure it out and tell Joey that he too should remember because “I come here every morning. Don’t expect me to remember how I like my coffee and/or wait for it.” We shook hands but I’m concerned about his memory. I really miss my old grocery mans and don’t think I can move on just yet. You can’t just replace people like that. Please enjoy a poem in their honor.
Poem
Oh dear grocery store mans
was leaving me one of your master plans?
you make my coffee always right
you make my mornings oh so bright.
where did you go and will you ever come back?
because i think this joey is a total hack.
i’ll miss you forever, this much is true
because good people like you, there are so few.
Filed under mi | vida
Why is it that we reward inadequate children with photo shoots? This girl is clearly old enough to know how to swim and yet there she stands, with her arms on her waist and a victorious smile. It’s as if she is awaiting a gold medal for being the least talented child at the swimming pool.
Her mother is equally as proud. She looks up at her daughter with a smile that suggests she will be telling her friends about this accomplishment. “My wonderful Suzy is like Michael Phelps. She will sink quicker than any other child. Would you like to arrange a race?”
If only all mothers were like mine. She taught me how to swim at a very early age by throwing me into the bathtub. “You wanted to swim? Go swim. Just keep talking so I know you’re alive,” she would say before going into the other room to chat on the phone. This is how I learned how to hold my breath underwater and swim long distances. Unlike Suzy, I actually had talent but I never got my photo shoot.Or a medal. Only moderate brain damage that I attribute to the ceramic tiles and their incessant need to hurl themselves at my head. Haters.
Filed under lint | licker, mi | vida
^ last summer. not quite there.
I have recently taken up laundry in an effort to get abs of steel. While I have not achieved my goal just yet, I do see the formation of lines. Excitement.
If you would like abs of steel, simply follow these simple instructions.
1) When transferring clothing from teleshka or hamper bag, randomly drop articles of clothing on the floor.*
2) Pick up said random articles. Do not bend your knees and suck your stomach in.
3) Repeat
I look forward to my new physique and can’t wait to move on to lunges.
*Dropping of clothes must be done accidentally as doing it on purpose would make you a retard.
Filed under mi | vida
I love facebook and I love the quizzes even more. I mean, how would I sleep without knowing which neighborhood I should live in? (Sheapshead and I don’t) Or what type of Barbie I would be? (Stripper and I wish) Or whats wrong with me? (Everything and ditto)
But what’s up with those other ones? Like, what is your real eye color? What is your best feature? What is your real weight? Seriously? You need a quiz to determine what your eye color is? Because if that’s the case, then maybe you should take the ‘how retarded are you?’ quiz and just call it a day.
Filed under ass | face
I was in Starbucks being a recluse when a boy starting hitting on me. He extended his arm over to mine and so naturally I tried to give him a high five. Then I asked him what his name was but he didn’t respond. Typical, I thought but I wouldn’t let that deter me. But his mom wasn’t having it and so she’s like “he doesn’t know how to talk yet. He’s only 8 months old.”
A boy who doesn’t respond I can handle. But a boy who needs his mom to speak for him? I don’t think so. I got my shit and went because I knew it wasn’t going to work. She didn’t even tell me his name. Cockblocker.
Filed under ass | face, mi | vida
