Hormona & I

Some girls call their periods Aunt Flo. Others refer to it as “their friend.”  My period is neither. My period is my frenemie. I’m excited when she visits but can’t wait for her to leave. Unfortunately, when she’s not actually here yet, she’s preparing to be. This means that for two weeks out of the month, I’m obligated, bound to, handcuffed to this THING that takes over my life. Her name is Hormona and she is a bitch.

Hormona and Diana wake up.

Hormona: Remember that time when Vinny didn’t take you to the Jay Z/Eminem concert because he was “confused?”

Diana: Yeah. I kinda got over that.

Hormona: No you didn’t.

Diana: No, really. I did. Live in present. Not the past.

Hormona: You are fooling yourself. Why do you always let him get away with everything? He just thinks he could play you like that and you’ll be nice to him?

Diana: I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed.

Hormona: I think you should text him.

Diana: It’s 8am.

Hormona: Perfect. It might be his first text of the day. You’ll totally ruin his mood. His DAY if you’re lucky. Are you thrilled or are you thrilled that I came to visit?

Diana: You know, you’re right. I never stand up for myself. LETS DO THIS. What do I say?

Hormona: Okay. Write this. “Good morning. I hate your face you stupid piece of shit ass fucker. You didn’t take me to the concert and you know what? I DIDN’T WANT TO GO with your stupid piece of shit ass fucker face. I’m never talking to you again so fuck you. DIE. Hope you have a nice day. Bye”

Diana: Okay, cool.

Diana sends the message. They wait.

Diana: He responded. He said “Are you serious?” I guess that’s reasonable question. That was pretty crazy.

Hormona: Of course you’re serious. He never respects your feelings. Why do you have to get over things on his schedule?

Diana: Yeah, that’s true. He always thinks I should just get over things when he does. But he gets over things right away and I enjoy dwelling and being in a bad mood. I feel safe and comfortable there. So what do I say?

Hormona: Say “Yeah. I’m serious. You don’t love me and this proves it. You don’t appreciate me ever.”

Diana sends. They wait.

Diana: He said “This happened 8 months ago.”

They stare at each.

Hormona: So what? You have repressed emotions from the trauma of having to be his girlfriend. You’re the victim here. He doesn’t love you. And to prove that he doesn’t, you should make him say it. OMG. That’s great. Let’s test him.

Diana: Yeah! That kid hasn’t passed a test since the second grade. I know he’ll fail.

Hormona: Obviously he will. Because he doesn’t love you. Go. Send it now.

Diana sends. They wait.

To be continued.

 

Dear Hiring Manager

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.

For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.

I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”

This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.

I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.

To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.

I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.

Sincerely,
That Chick

new yorkers are assholes?

Comedian Mark Malkoff spends two days trying to get from downtown Manhattan to Harlem by having strangers carry him. He wanted to prove that New Yorkers are really nice people, deep down inside. They are nice – when there is a camera crew and two minutes of fame waiting for them at the other side.

Watch it. It’s funny.

nyc advertising | takeover

I loathe the advertising industry. I heart this video.

gamers | love

my dream | computer

From here.

scary | stuff

It took me a while to see it…

From Awkwardfamilyphotos.com

<3 | sarah silverman

me | my hair | and my mom

^me, my hair and Vinny.

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time on my hair. My goal is to achieve the wavy look that is all the rage nowadays. Unfortunately I’m a retard and things take me twice as long to achieve. However, I don’t let my disability stand in the way of my effort and so I have been trying. This past week I succeeded in almost getting it to look the way I want. It took two hours of straightening my curly hair to then curl it with the result being only a slight wave that was almost nothing like the way I wanted it to look. Success.

So then I go to my mom’s house. I am in a good mood. I think she senses it because there is no other reason she would say what she said next.

Mom: What’s wrong with your hair?

I stare at her. She stares at my hair. I’m not sure what she means. I thought it looked good.

Mom: I just don’t get it. Is it curly? Is it straight? What have you done here?

I look at her and decide to let it go. It is Saturday. I’ve had a busy week not doing anything. I don’t need the negativity. I think she senses this because there is no other explanation as to why she would say what she said just one hour later.

Mom: But really, what’s wrong with your hair?
Me: Why are you such a hater?
Mom: No I’m not.
Me: You are. You don’t like anything.
Mom: I do. I like it curled but your hair is confused.
Me: Okay. I see its time for me to leave. Good bye dad. Good bye hater. Always a pleasure!

I left shortly after. As I was making my way down the stairs, the Palmolive dish soap my mom had given me opened. I was holding it between my armpit because I didn’t have enough hands and sure enough to got all over my bag, clothes and hair. It smelled nice so I considered it a leave-in Shampoo.

She won again.

picture of | the day

Hugh Jackman turning into Wolverine OR…. not.

Via

no peace for | nobel

I would like to thank the Nobel Committee for awarding me this wonderful honor. Had I known it was this easy, I would have started to talk about doing things but not actually doing them ages ago.

the first | kiss re: lip-o-suction

What I do to get boys to kiss me? I touch their junk. That’s pretty much it.

oh shit! | kits

When I first saw this, I thought it was an “oh shit! I shit in your bathroom and clogged the toilet” kit. I figured it would contain a list of excuses, a blowup plunger and maybe some air freshener. Upon further inspection, I saw that it was nothing of that sort. It was more like an “oh shit! I’m a whore and need sunglasses and some mouth wash ASAP.”

I dig it.

Get it here.

before | after

It appears that the 39-year-old Vince Vaughn ate his 26-year old self and had a 3-month-old for desert.

roman polanski | chris hansen-ed

oh | god!

What about Synagogue?

texting | while driving

just | sayin | re: student drivers

I like to cut off student drivers. It makes me feel like a professor of driving who has just taught these students three valuable lessons with one simple action.

1) People are assholes.
2) Don’t go 30 in the middle lane when the speed limit is 50.
3) Good reflexes – have them.

You can’t pay for that kind of education.

Just saying.

best | wedding | ever

I’m not one of those regular girls. I don’t shop for hours, I hate fighting and sometimes I pee standing up. I also don’t live my life to get married. However, I do love weddings. And I love, love, LOVE this video. Two people in love having fun on their wedding day. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

boner | peeing

Unfortunately I’ve never waken up with a boner. Otherwise I would be able to test out that fancy trick if I had to pee with one. Apparently it’s hard for dudes to potty when this occurs.

Pun somewhat completely intended.

For more ways to pee when you’re hard, click here.