free to | blog again!

Hello dear friends!

Sorry I haven’t been writing as much. It was a really busy summer and I just couldn’t pry myself away from the many engagements that required my attention. Please see below for list of engagements.

1) Quitting Smoking

Not smoking took up a lot of my time. Not only could I barely think of anything else besides the fact that I wasn’t smoking but I could barely talk about anything else. Ex: “If this were yesterday, I would be smoking right now.” “You know what I want? Yup. A cigarette.” “I love smoking and this quitting nonsense is just not fair.” It came to a point where I wanted to kick my own ass. Luckily for me, when I tried to become a smoker again with ‘just one cigarette’, I threw up all day and never second guessed my decision to quit again. Now that I am nicotine free physically and mentally, I am free to blog again.

2) Getting Fat

I’m sure there a lot worse things in life than fat face but when I have one, I can’t seem to think of any. A former skinny bitch, I used to pride myself on being able to use my sharp, protruding hip bone as a weapon. But now, the only bones I am dealing with are connected to fried chicken. Just kidding. I don’t eat that anymore because I’m on a diet. A “I ain’t eating nothing till I loose this weight” diet. So now that I am no longer eating all day like it’s going out of style, I am free to blog again.

3) I Met a Boy…Named Vinny

Sure, consistent sex kept me busy but it was more so the preparation for consistent sex. Shaving everyday plus doing my hair plus picking out the perfect outfit (+ accessories) for dinner took up a lot of time. And when I wasn’t doing those things I was thinking about doing those things. But now that we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend and I know he’s not going anywhere if I accidentally forget to shave my knees, I am free to blog again.

In conclusion, I am free to blog again. And I will. So stay tuned for stories about funerals, tow truck drivers and my new love for brand new babies. It’ll be fun ya’ll so get comfy and stay awhile.

rage | against the machine | pt 2

Following numerous arguments with The Man, I finally got my review. In truth, I requested to not be reviewed and simply told to go home but Human Resources would not have it. They have to follow policy or some shit like that. But I finally got it and now I have three weeks to improve. And for your info, it is VERY hard sucking this bad.

Your performance has failed to live up to the positions expectations so far. You have repeatedly made errors in your work that cause extra effort among the group to correct. Consistent mistakes have negatively impacted client’s campaigns and that reflects poorly on ______ Media.

We have spoken several times prior to this review to discuss your performance and the need to meet certain expectations. We had several discussions over the course of the past few months but the first major discussion where your poor performance was noted, occurred in the beginning of June and we have since had several follow up discussions reiterating the same theme. I have expressed on several occasions the need to perform your job duties in an accurate manner.

Difficulties:

Repeating the same mistakes time and again
Extra time and effort is always required to complete basic
projects.
The back and forth of error checking and corrections takes
away time spent from other projects and clients.

Mathematical Skills
You have difficulty in understanding some of the
mathematical formulas needed to succeed in analyzing data.
Part of your job function is to gather and analyze data to make
informed decisions – and these skills are lacking.

Lack of Excel Skills
You have expressed difficulty on several occasions of your lack
of understanding with Excel
The nature of the your position as Junior Search Manager
requires good excel skills to analyze data and make judgments
upon that data.
Lacking these skills will negatively impact your ability to do the
job that you were hired to do.

Reporting Skills
You have difficulty in gathering and organizing data from our
client’s campaigns into accurate reports.
Lack of Passion or Drive within this organization.
Due to the lack of these traits, there seems to be a laid back
approach to your work
Even after mistakes occur within your work, you feel that it is
okay to complete the task tomorrow.

Lack of Communication among other employees
You have expressed a difficulty in “fitting in” at ______.
Interacting with the other members of the team is vital to
understanding our business.

Read rage | against the machine | pt 1

manboy | vaginas

There is something amiss in the drinking water. It has affected males aged 25-35 along the Eastern Seaboard. Testicles are shrinking. Ovaries are growing. The result is an abundance of manboys. It is now an epidemic. Hide your daughters.

Or inform them.

If you see a man with a pussy, stay away. He is no good. He may be of age to drink, smoke and have a job but on the inside, he has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old girl. Except the girl is more mature. 5-year-olds are obnoxiously honest while manboys are just obnoxious. Both like to run around in circles but when asked about this running, the 5-year old will tell you she is playing Duck, Duck Goose with a ghost. The manboy will stutter uncontrollably and then just say “uh, uh, uh, I dunno.” The 5-year-old isn’t afraid of anything – honesty, heights or expired milk. The manboy is afraid of everything, particularly honesty. More stuttering ensues.

The worst part is that manboys have accepted their status as peons while 5-year-old girls are eager to grow. They will tell you things like “I am 5 years old, 7 months and 6 days old which means I’m 6.” Manboys will tell you things like “I know I’m almost 30 but I’m still a kid.” Since when did it become acceptable to be so comfortable in one’s own ineptness?

And if you read the previous post, you will know that I write this on behalf of my love for another. I’ve unfortunately encountered these deformed species but to me, they are not worth a sentence. Not even a fragment. But for my friend – they are worth four paragraphs and a weekend in the slammer. Sorry officer but I didn’t realize I’m not allowed to throw bricks at people. Why yes, the cave I live in is quite spacious.

Grow up, boys. You repulse me more than fat people in white bathing suits.

professional | breast stroker

Why is it that we reward inadequate children with photo shoots? This girl is clearly old enough to know how to swim and yet there she stands, with her arms on her waist and a victorious smile. It’s as if she is awaiting a gold medal for being the least talented child at the swimming pool.

Her mother is equally as proud. She looks up at her daughter with a smile that suggests she will be telling her friends about this accomplishment. “My wonderful Suzy is like Michael Phelps. She will sink quicker than any other child. Would you like to arrange a race?”

If only all mothers were like mine. She taught me how to swim at a very early age by throwing me into the bathtub. “You wanted to swim? Go swim. Just keep talking so I know you’re alive,” she would say before going into the other room to chat on the phone. This is how I learned how to hold my breath underwater and swim long distances. Unlike Suzy, I actually had talent but I never got my photo shoot.Or a medal. Only moderate brain damage that I attribute to the ceramic tiles and their incessant need to hurl themselves at my head. Haters.

a | story | for you

Dear People,

Today I spilled coffee on my desk again and instead of getting the keyboard out of the way or any other electronics that don’t belong to me, I said “Oh shit. My notebook.” Then I quickly got napkins to wipe it clean, even though I sometimes think coffee stains add character. It’s a fancy notebook, a Moleskine, and I am terribly protective of it. I don’t like when people touch it or look at it or even think about it and so when this paragraph is over, so should the thoughts about the notebook.

The other day I ran into an old college friend. He had just emailed me on facebook and I didn’t reply and the meeting went a little something like this.

Him: Diana…?
Me: Omg! Hey! Sorry I didn’t respond to your email. I was going to. I work around here too!
Him: Suuuure.
Me: No really. I do. Right around the corner actually.

These situations are always very awkward and common for me and I’m thinking I will start responding to people because the chances of me running into them are very high, especially in midtown. Or maybe I will finally get a job somewhere downtown where I won’t see anyone I know. A girl can dream.

It has recently come to my attention that I am insane. First, my friends told me. Then I read an article about how children of older men have a greater chance of being schizophrenic. I’m no rocket scientist but my dad was 47 when I was birthed.

And all of this was to prove a point. Here is the point –

I am going on vacation. I’m not really going anywhere. I’m just not coming here.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you and believe me, I loves hearing about how awesome I am when I post a video of animals doing animal things but I just need a break from thinking. Voice #2 thinks I’m crazy for doing this but quite honestly, I don’t give a shit about that bitch. She is always yapping about something. Maybe she should start a blog?

Anywho, my advice is this – RSS feed me! so that you know when I’m back. And if you don’t care when I’m back, please know that I think your mom is a filthy whore.

Until then, please check out some of my friends. They entertain me and I hope they entertain you as well. If I forgot you, then obviously I don’t think you’re interesting. And also because its fuzzy up there. Sorry either way.

See you soon!

artistic things – mike and susanna
live wrong and prosper – kali and lauren
mommy, daddy, four girls and a mean cat – Jessica O
nyc mind munchies – mike
origin of cotton – rodrigo
stop annoying me – tannerleah
12 – anna

 

brain | constipation

Writers block: like constipation of the brain.

I got it. And it’s very frustrating.

Last time this happened, I went on vacation. But I can’t do that now. Because I haven’t even paid that one off. In fact, I’ve paid none of it and likely accrued a few hundred in interest. It was a good vacation, though. And not at all really taken to relieve this particular block but I did start this when I got back. But let’s not digress. Focus. We’re talking about brain constipation.

I got it. And I don’t know why.

A lie. I do know why. But I looked that shit up anyway.

Wikipedia:
Writer’s block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity. Writer’s block can also be a hindrance even when the writer feels that they already have a story in mind but can get no further than part of that story.

Writer’s block can be closely related to depression and anxiety,[1] According to neurologist Alice Weaver Flaherty, these mood disorders reflect environmentally caused or spontaneous changes in the brain’s frontal lobe.

This confuses me as I am always depressed or anxiety ridden. But on the other hand, that frontal lobe is always causing me troubles. Always. I hate it and would love to lobotomize it. But I can’t and so all I can do is ask, what the fuck is going on? Except I know what’s going on. But I still hate you frontal lobe. Filth.

But it also makes me wonder – do all people who suffer from depression and anxiety automatically suffer from writers block? Or does Wikipedia write entries just for me? I’m thinking the latter because the other way around I simply don’t understand.

Anywho, I’m going to do what the wiki told me to do – keep writing. It won’t be good though and for this I apologize. I’m also taking a brain vacation. There is no reception there and so I’ll just let you know when I get back.

Shalom.

Pics courtesy of Daniel.

omfg | fuck you orlando

This is another example of why cops are pigs.

Just because its a law doesn’t mean you have to enforce it. Sure, you think its your job but I assure you that there are many ways to get out of doing it. I can make you a list if you’d like. And I don’t understand how you, piggy cops, think you’re doing something good with your life when all you’re doing is staking out a charitable event.

And who the fuck makes a law that bans feeding homeless people? Apparently Orlando, the worst place on Earth. Perhaps they should spend more time looking into why they have so many hobos and not making stupid laws.

Happy Tuesday.

he’s just not | that into you *spoilers?

Okay. So much to say, so little bandwidth.

I never read reviews before watching a movie because for the most part, I think reviewers are just people with opinions who write well. I think they are stupid (on account of being people) and I much rather see and judge for myself. Twas no different with He’s Just Not That Into You. But I read the reviews after I saw it and I’d like to say that I disagree with them for the most part. Shocker.

Most thought it was a misogynistic romantic comedy that put women in a bad light. I just thought it was an exaggerated take on reality. But maybe just my reality? I mean, if you’re a 50-year-old married balding man, you will hardly understand the significance of the events that take place in the movie.

Take Ginnifer Goodwin’s character, Gigi. She is a crazy stalker who doesn’t know how to date. Most of her behavior is embarrassing and for the most part, it made me very uncomfortable watching her. But I know her. I know her because girls really do behave like this. And I know this because I have guy friends and they show me the text messages/emails/IMs. (It’s a lot sadder when you see it happening in real life.) But also because some of my girl friends have behaved like this. And perhaps I myself have behaved like this. Is she a loser? Yes. But haven’t we all been there at one point or another? Why hate. Let’s appreciate. And learn.

Next.

Misogynistic. No. Because the movie wasn’t only about how girls like boys who don’t like them back. The movie was also about how boys like girls who don’t like them back. Take Kevin Connolly’s character, Conor. Sure, Gigi stalks Conor but Conor stalks Anna, played by Scarlett Johansson. He doesn’t get that she doesn’t like him and its like watching a sad train wreck because we all know she doesn’t but he goes and tries to buy a house for them. The moral is that boys have feelings, too. Guys stress out about it just as much as girls do but they’re are just more composed in their loserness and hide it much better. I know this to be true in real life, too. I see the text messages/emails/IMs.

Next.

Marriage/Divorce. Reviewers said all women want to do is get married or some shit like this. Well Neil (Ben Affleck) and Beth (Jennifer Aniston) have been together for 7 years and are in their 30s. Why shouldn’t she expect to get married? And so what if she wants to. It’s not like she’s crying about it being 24. Or 26. For me, the movie reaffirmed my belief that marriage, while nice, is bogwash. Because Ben cheats on his wife Janine (Jennifer Connolly) with Anna and that shit could happen whether you have a license to be together or not. (And also girls do it too in the real world). Its unfortunate but it happens. Divorce just sucks because it’s a legal hassle but a breakup is a breakup no matter what you call it.

Conclusion: There is nothing romantic or comedic about it when your friend is sitting on the crate at 3AM in the morning, crying about another boy who has not given her the love she deserves. Or telling a story about the little thing he did that means nothing at all. Or writing out a detailed plan of action about how the plan has now changed but the same crazy behavior is still in effect. It’s not funny when it happens in real life but if you aren’t living it (or have lived it), then you certainly won’t find it funny on the screen. I thought it was one laugh short of highlarious and a must see for 20-something singles.

pussy | thrown

First, I’d like to note that I really don’t like the word pussy. It makes me very uncomfortable and blushy.

Second, I’d like to note there is a reason I used it. Here is the reason:

“Project Runway” finalist Kenley Collins was arrested today after assaulting her fiance with their cat, authorities said today.

After throwing the feline, a laptop computer, and three apples at Zak Penley, Collins, 26, was charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon (of meow destruction).

“It was a miscommunication,” Collins told The Post after getting released without bail from Brooklyn Supreme Court yesterday morning.

Read more here.

Okay. I understand this. I once woke someone up with violence. They were very confused and scared. After yelling at them to get the fuck up and out of my house, I threatened to throw all their shit out the window if they didn’t do so immediately. But that too was a misunderstanding. As were all the other times I threw things (remotes, phones, books) at my boys. But the thing is that they became very scared and stopped doing whatever it is they did to deserve it in the first place. But alas, I was a young child back then, full of passion. Now I don’t care about anything and the violence has stopped. But its good to see someone still has a spark in them!

stuff i | steal

I was having dinner with the ladies when I somehow start talking with our waitress. I says, I need to go tanning. And she’s like, yeah me too. I miss it. So we start discussing how expensive it is in the city and how it’s cheaper in Brooklyn and blah blah. And then she mentions something about cancer and I’m like, oh yeah. Melanoma or whatever, right. And she’s like “You had it?” And I’m like, “No, did you?” And she’s like “Yeah. I had cancer on my back.” And I was like, oh. Well then I guess you could use bronzer then.

Then she left and I was completely offended by her ruining my mental tanning session. Because, what the fuck. It’s like me walking into a strangers smoking circle to talk about someone I know who just died from lung cancer. Not very polite, is it.

On a brighter note, Jamie and I stole the above pictured cup from said restaurant. You know how sometimes you walk into a place and spot a person and you’re like, I want that person and you don’t know what it is about them – it’s just the feeling you get? That’s how I feel about stealing stuff. I don’t know why I want it, I just do.

I spent the entire evening devising an elaborate plan to accomplish getting it. I coached the ladies on how to place their cups and calculated how long we had before we finished the beverages so that it was fully empty. It was trying. Then when the waitress wasn’t around, Jamie spilled her excess ice into my cup and speedily put it in my bag. It was exhilarating and all that mental anguish I had while planning was worth it.

Have a nice weekend.

conversations | with daniel | re: stalker

There is no quality control on this bitch anymore because I pretty much post anything.

But I like talking to Daniel. And then I like posting our conversations.

Me: Daniel. be honest. you promise?
Daniel: about? being honest
Me: do you think i have a stalker?!
Daniel: do you want one
Me: no. i think there is a reasonable explanation. but it would be nice wouldn’t it
Daniel: no. no. are you insane? do you not watch movies or read the news?
Me: right. i mean, that’s creepy then
Daniel: have you ever heard of a story that ended well with a stalker involved?
Me: hmm. no.
Daniel: ok. so why would you want one
Me: should i be scared then?!
Daniel: no
Me: i want to know who left the damn cookies
Daniel: you shouldn’t eat the food
Me: i wont. Duh. im not that dumb
Daniel: plus it knows you are jewish. it got you a jewish gift bag
Me: yeah i noticed that. its purim today
Daniel: yes
Me: maybe it was the jew boys who visit me on fridays
Daniel: ask him and what jewish boy?
Me:: he comes on shabbas and when im home, i let him talk to me. he wants to save me.
Daniel: wow. ok thats not weird
Me: they always walk around the buildings giving out literature
Daniel: so you think a jewish boy walked on purim to your building and waited for someone to let him in and then left it and walked home?
Me: no. maybe he left it for others too. i dont kow. it was just a suggestion. sheesh!
Daniel: its purim. he cant ring the bell. he cant buy things
Me: oh. maybe he bought it last week. and maybe he waited for someone to open the door.
Daniel: right
Me: isn’t that better than a stalker
Daniel: very likely. yes
Me: i was just throwing ideas out. stop yelling at me with your sarcasm
Daniel: im not yelling. Maybe. a little yelling
Me: this is like the time you mocked me and my monkey disease
Daniel: but im actually worried now. i thought you wrote that as a gag like your mom or dad gave you that. like grandmas buy those
Me: i dont just make things up
Daniel: well i thought you did cause not everyone has a stalker
Me: now im worried. should i hire security
Daniel: no. it hasn’t exposed itself to you yet. it will first try to meet you and when you are repulsed it will turn to evil
Me: really?
Daniel: well probably
Me: well good then
Daniel: you can’t get a restraining order against a person you don’t even know.

Then he sent me a picture of the above dragon guinea. I want one.

hey mom | i have a secret….

This is another card from the Val collection. I had nothing to do with this so all the credit goes to her. But I’ll be honest – I’m really starting to question her mental health. And by starting to I mean I always have. It’s just now she’s doing her drawing thing and it’s all coming out and I’m starting to worry. And by starting I mean I’m not at all. I support the decline of her brain. It kinda makes me feel better about myself.

<3

child | porn

I went to the 99 cent store to buy glitter when I stumbled upon this.

I feel bad for this boy. His body is saying rape me but his eyes are screaming help me, mommy.

Then I felt bad for the person getting ripped off. Why is something $2.99 at a 99 cent store?

And speaking of mommy, what kind would let her son do this?

I wonder how much he got paid.

And what kind of drugs he will eventually grow to love.

that person who | stalks me

Sarah and I got off the elevator today and I noticed something by the door. It was obstructed by the pillar I placed near my door and so I yelled in a voice way too loud “WHAT IS THAT?” I get closer and I see that it’s a lovely little package of sweets. I pick it up to examine it and I see that there is no note. So I’m like, what the fuck. Who leaves something by your door and doesn’t leave a note? And then Sarah said something I don’t remember because I was too busy ranting about the lack of note and I was oh so bothered.

Then I went to my room to reflect. I remembered two weeks ago – I had done grocery shopping finally and needed a cart to bring it up to the apartment. Even in the cart it was super heavy and so it took some time and effort getting it up the building stairs. But when I stepped into the lobby vestibule, the door to the main lobby just started buzzing open. Jesus, is that you? (I’ve been carrying him around with me again.) Seriously. It was the weirdest and most flattering thing.

So I’m thinking maybe I have a stalker?! A stalker who opens doors for me and leaves me cookies. How karmalicious that is.

But the other side of my brain knows I’m not that lucky and I shouldn’t expect so much from life. I hope to learn the truth soon. I will keep you posted.