matt damon ruins my life

Matt Damon won’t be returning to the Bourne franchise, saying he wants “a simple little human story. Something like Good Will Hunting or soething that’s smaller like that.” The fourth film will be a prequel, starring someone new.

Wahhh. I don’t want to work out and look hot while driving really fast cars. Wahhh I don’t want to make my fans happy. Ugh. I hate when these actors don’t feel a sense of responsibility to me, like my needs don’t matter. If I wanted to feel like that, I’d move back in with my mother.

Source: Gawker

rage | against the machine | pt 2

Following numerous arguments with The Man, I finally got my review. In truth, I requested to not be reviewed and simply told to go home but Human Resources would not have it. They have to follow policy or some shit like that. But I finally got it and now I have three weeks to improve. And for your info, it is VERY hard sucking this bad.

Your performance has failed to live up to the positions expectations so far. You have repeatedly made errors in your work that cause extra effort among the group to correct. Consistent mistakes have negatively impacted client’s campaigns and that reflects poorly on ______ Media.

We have spoken several times prior to this review to discuss your performance and the need to meet certain expectations. We had several discussions over the course of the past few months but the first major discussion where your poor performance was noted, occurred in the beginning of June and we have since had several follow up discussions reiterating the same theme. I have expressed on several occasions the need to perform your job duties in an accurate manner.

Difficulties:

Repeating the same mistakes time and again
Extra time and effort is always required to complete basic
projects.
The back and forth of error checking and corrections takes
away time spent from other projects and clients.

Mathematical Skills
You have difficulty in understanding some of the
mathematical formulas needed to succeed in analyzing data.
Part of your job function is to gather and analyze data to make
informed decisions – and these skills are lacking.

Lack of Excel Skills
You have expressed difficulty on several occasions of your lack
of understanding with Excel
The nature of the your position as Junior Search Manager
requires good excel skills to analyze data and make judgments
upon that data.
Lacking these skills will negatively impact your ability to do the
job that you were hired to do.

Reporting Skills
You have difficulty in gathering and organizing data from our
client’s campaigns into accurate reports.
Lack of Passion or Drive within this organization.
Due to the lack of these traits, there seems to be a laid back
approach to your work
Even after mistakes occur within your work, you feel that it is
okay to complete the task tomorrow.

Lack of Communication among other employees
You have expressed a difficulty in “fitting in” at ______.
Interacting with the other members of the team is vital to
understanding our business.

Read rage | against the machine | pt 1

fuck you | bicycle

I got on the rush hour F train last week and myself having to squeeze into a spot between a woman and her bicycle. I wondered if the bicycle had paid for the room it was taking up or if she snuck him in under the turnstile. Then I thought about how much I hated bicycle and the bitch who was walking him. I was under the impression that they were meant to be ridden outside and not taking up valuable space underground. But no, I was mistaken. Apparently those are last year’s rules and now that the earth is melting, there are new ones. Please see below.

Old Rule
Thou shalt ride your bicycle in designated bicycle-riding areas only. You will utilize the wheels for what they were created for and refrain from causing great discomfort to those not lucky enough to have wheels. Walking of bicycle is forbidden.

New Rule
Thou shalt ride your bicycle all willy nilly and shit. The roads were meant for cars but only in theory. You shalln’t observe laws as you are a renegade and are working for a bigger cause – to save the earth, one peddle at a time. You shalln’t even have to ride as long as you carry it around with you, like an expensive accessory that showcases your intellectual wealth. Recruit as many riders as possible. Current goal: new energy sources.

You rules don’t scare me, bicycle. I have more horsepower than you. Always did and always will.

Why yes, you should definitely consider that a threat. So smart you are.

moving | on

Over the course of the last two years, I’ve learned many valuable lessons. The most important one is that people are not a constant. They will always leave you, usually when you least expect it or when you need them the most. This is the formula of life. In order to cope with this discovery, I have perfected the art of not having feelings. I simply beat them out of me in order to not be bothered by the inevitable.

The following people are either leaving or have already left.

Val: Her departure was not a shock and so I had time to detach myself from her ample bosoms and luxurious mane of Chewbacca-esque hair. What I will miss most about her is her creepy ability to read my mind. All we have to do is look at each other and she will know what mischief is brewing. She will take me to the side and say something like “I understand your need to __________________ but why don’t you think about _____________ and ____________ before you go and do that?” Then I spend some time thinking about it before I go and do that. She will then blink three times at me and I will know exactly what she is saying. Usually it is “You’re an asshole” but sometimes she throws in a “You fucking suck” for good measure. While I can live without such telepathy, I would much prefer not to. I await her return to civilization but until then I’ve made new friends who will help me forget about her.

Sarah: It was disturbing to learn that Sarah would be moving back to the West Coast, leaving me roommateless once again. I had grown accustomed to her cooking me dinner every night and baking cookies. My heart skipped a beat when she broke the news. Mostly it was because I wondered who would change Moses’ water and brush his shell. She is also funny and tells good celebrity stories but her care taking skills are exceptional. Sarah taught me how to do laundry in the basement, how to make tasty eggs but not much else really. She will be missed but I hope to find a new roommate soon who will help me forget about her.

Grocery Store Man #1 and 2 – My grocery guys know what I order in the morning. The only thing I have to say is good morning and 30 seconds later I have my coffee, even if there is a line. This morning I come to find out they have been bought out. There is a new grocery store man. His name is Joey, just like my Dell customer service agents name is Bob. I says to Joey – who the hell are you? What have you done to my guys? He tells me some fancy story and then asks what I’d like. I forget what I’d like because the point is that my guys remember for me. I manage to figure it out and tell Joey that he too should remember because “I come here every morning. Don’t expect me to remember how I like my coffee and/or wait for it.” We shook hands but I’m concerned about his memory. I really miss my old grocery mans and don’t think I can move on just yet. You can’t just replace people like that. Please enjoy a poem in their honor.

Poem

Oh dear grocery store mans
was leaving me one of your master plans?

you make my coffee always right
you make my mornings oh so bright.

where did you go and will you ever come back?
because i think this joey is a total hack.

i’ll miss you forever, this much is true
because good people like you, there are so few.

one of | the guys

Last week, Daniel saved me from myself. Again. He invited me to go with him and Vinny to West Palm Beach (formerly known as westfuckingpalmbeach) to visit Nicky. The reason he invited me was because I caught him talking about it on facebook and threatened to slice my wrists if he didn’t invite me. When he asked if I wanted to go, I said no because I don’t accept pity invites. And then I bought my plane ticket.

Upon arrival, all boys were briefed on my status by Daniel. “She is one of the guys. She is really cool. Yeah, joke about whatever all you want. She is one of the guys. I promise.” This was an ideal situation as I was living in a house with 3 males and no longer feared I might get gang raped in the midst of the night. No one wants to be that dude who rapes one of the guys, you know? It would just make for a very uncomfortable situation for all parties involved and defeat the purpose of a vacation. I remain a virgin.

One of the great things about being “one of the guys” is that I started developing their habits. For instance, my days started to revolve around food and I started thinking about nothing. When I was looking up at the sky, I wasn’t thinking about my life – nope. I was thinking about the clouds and how long it would take before they stopped blocking my friend, the sun. When I stared out the window, I wasn’t thinking about the responsibilities that awaited me at home. I thought about the goats I saw running around in the backyard and attempted to calculate how long my ankles would last if I chased them. And even when my mom called me to tell me that I had filed my taxes incorrectly and would probably go to jail, I didn’t think about how I wouldn’t deal with it at home. I just thought about how I wasn’t going to call her anymore while I was away. Simple. No drama. Like one of the guys.

But of course I am not really a guy and so I learned a lot too. For instance, shaking isn’t good enough and toilet paper is required when peeing (especially when wearing tan pants). This is because sometimes the pee is a girl and tricks them into believing they are in the clear. The walk away and all of a sudden they are peeing on themselves. I learned that when this happens, they must march back to the bathroom, wash their hands and smear non-pee wetness on the wet spot. It is obviously better to be a demented retard that can’t wash his hands than one who pees on himself. It makes sense.

I was told to “stop being difficult” only once. It was when I had just woken up after napping in the car (drunken mess I was) and realized that I was a) hungry, b) thirsty and c) annoyed that I was hungry and thirsty. And so I walked into the kitchen, threw something and demanded to know why I wasn’t fed and why there was nothing to drink and what the fuck kind of vacation is this?! After Vinny told me to stop being difficult, he made me food and I stopped being difficult.

I had a great time and I love my boys (myself not included). But mostly because they actually treat me like a girl. And by that I mean a princess.

And in case you’re wondering – Nicky is doing fabulous.

A big thanks to Daniel, Vinny, Nicky, Joe and Julie.

work | days

I’ve decided to change my heathen ways and be productive at work. And so now I read. And drink.

Ironically (or maybe not), the beer was courtesy of the job. We media folks work very hard and sometimes need a mid-day happy hour.

But yeah. I read. And it’s even scarier now because I’m scared the Man will come by and ask what I’m doing. As hard as I tried, I was unable to minimize the book and so I’d have to tell the truth. “Oh. I’m reading. It’s for my class.” And then he’d ask me what I’m reading. And I’d have to tell him. “It’s Chelsea Handler’s book. My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands.” And he’d look at me with those hateful eyes I know too well and ask what class.* And you see where this is going. Nowhere good.

On the bright side, I got so much reading done today that I only have 20 more pages to go. Tomorrow I start “I Was Told There’d Be Cake” by Sloane Crosley. I am overjoyed as this is far more suitable reading for an office environment and I will feel less ashamed when caught.

*It’s a writing class. Obviously.

fuck you | sarah

I was in my room when Sarah walked in. “I’m making eggs. Would you like some?” she asked. “Why yes, that would be absolutely wonderful,” I replied. I then looked up to lovely clouds above and sighed. What a great roommate I have, I thought. She is always cooking for me and I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I think I might wash the dishes so she keeps doing it.

So she makes the eggs and we’re both eating in the kitchen when I note that I won’t be getting the car after all and the summer won’t be as freedomy as I would have liked. Unfortunately, and I don’t know how or why, I grew some common sense and realized owning el caro is simply impossible. So then she’s like, oh yeah. About that. I got a job at Disney. In LA. I’m leaving in the summer.

So then I’m like, thank fucking G-d I am taking a stress vacation. Thank G-d for you because I’m standing by the knives and had I been worrying about anything else, one of them would be stuck in your face right now. The right eye in case you want me to be specific. I didn’t say this out loud, of course. Instead I said “oh wow. That’s great. I totally understand. I’m going back to my room now. Please wash the dishes.”

In my room, I sat and stared at the clouds again. Then I realized it wasn’t clouds but water damage on my ceiling. Then I gave her credit for feeding me first. And then I reflected back and realized that both roommates who left me have been from California and I’m never dealing with those messes ever again. No, really. If I have to do Craigslist again, I’m going to have a NO CALIFORNIA GIRLS disclaimer. I don’t care if it’s Jennifer Aniston. But will you consider it? No. But I’m Jennifer Aniston. I don’t care. Go away filthy Cali wench whore. You’re giving me a rash.

In conclusion, I am proud to announce that I got over it 10 minutes later. That’s how I do things nowadays. Like when I was on Chantix but much nicer.

And she did do the dishes.

(There is WiFi on fake vacation.)

The Murray | Hill Song

I didn’t know where Murray Hill was until someone told me not to long ago and I’ll be honest – I hate it. Frat boy douchebags in suits or their college sweatshirts. Wearing boat shoes without socks and khaki pants paired with what else…a collared shirt. Tucked in. Slutty girls from sororities all looking the same. Sickening.

It makes sense Raquel decided to live there. Actually no. It doesn’t make sense. I have no idea why she picked this neighborhood but she did. But its about 10 blocks from my job and I’m sure one of these days I will definitely use her for her prime location.

Thanks for showing me your neighborhood anthem Rakiki.

shamwow | hooker | beatdown

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that the Shamwow dude fucked up this hooker who bit him. Well, this is what he did to her. And that’s what you get for biting.

I don’t know whether its because I don’t have a heart or simply just don’t care about people but I feel nothing when I see this. It’s like, okay whatever. You’re a hooker. It’s part of the job. Deal with it. Prosecutors feel the same way because no charges have been filed.

Saw it here.

bad | moms

Don’t let anyone lie to your ugly ass – being beautiful is important in this world. There are studies that prove this and while it may be unfortunate, it is only so for those who aren’t. However, despite this superficial opinion and fact, I completely disagree with beauty pageants. Particularly beauty pageants for little girls.

These girls are essentially forced into doing this. They have no say due to being four years old and so it is basically an outlet for the mother to live out the dream she was always way too fat for. These young girls are spray tanned, plucked, prepped and put on a stage to perform just so the mothers can brag to their friends. How do I know? Because 4 year olds aren’t old enough to do this.

Some may argue that there are talents involved in these pageants. This is a lie. Whatever half-assed talent these girls have is all to impress a judge and how much time can you possibly put into learning something well when you’re busy tanning. And how unfortunate is that? Instead of learning how to play a sport or instrument, they are busy learning how to walk down a runway. Instead of reading a book or going to a museum, they are getting their hair puffed and getting fake teeth inserted. It all just makes you want to say what the fuck is going on here. This shouldn’t be happening.

Being beautiful, hot, gorgeous, desirable, etc is all very important. It’s what makes us feel good inside. But when you have nothing in your brain because that’s all you’ve been trained to care about – well, that’s kinda sad. And talking to dumb girls is the worst. I feel bad for boys because they have to deal with that shit. But thats another post…

That’s all I have to say.

silly | jen aniston

It really upsets me that Jennifer Aniston is such a doucharella. Seriously. I can’t handle it. First she is played in front of the entire world by one Bradley Pitt and then she continues to get publicly played by every dude she’s with. I’m starting to think she is the problem, which I was avoiding doing for so long.

According to some website I’ll link at the bottom, Jen dumped John Mayer because he was too busy Twittering and not calling her.

A source says, “John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her emails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say: ‘I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back’.

“Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates.

“He didn’t even deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she called him on it and ended things, he just said OK, and that he was sorry it didn’t work out.

Hell FUCKING O JENNIFER. Were you not in that movie called He’s Just Not That Into You? You should have known this was going to happen the second after that picture above was published. I really love you but I can’t support you if you’re going to behave this way. I just can’t handle it.

Read more about this fucking bullshit here.

not | douchebaggy

This is a video of a pussy and a fox. I happen to think its very symbolic but I won’t get into it. Just enjoy the cuteness.

douchebag of | the day

Okay. So I know David Patterson only looks mildly retarded because he is blind but that doesn’t change anything. He still looks retarded and I don’t think he is fit to run this great state.

Aside from the fact that he will raise cigarette taxes again, it has come out that he has a secret plan to tax the wealthy ($500K+) as well as raise sales tax. That’s not the problem. The problem is that he is publicly denying this but privately doing it. Which is like, duh – welcome to life. But it’s like, are you so fucking blind that you can’t see the Post reporter is sitting in your office while you do unethical things? Seriously. Buy a contact or two.

“Paterson has told everyone he really wants the taxes, but he wants it to appear to the public that he’s against them,” a senior legislative official said.

“Then, next year, when he’s running, he’ll say we can afford to phase them out so he can claim that he’s a tax cutter.”

Read more here.

To be honest, I don’t care about politics. I’m just offended by his poor sneakery. Everyone gets caught but this dude is a mess.

best stalking | video ever

Facebook. It makes you think you know people. And you basically do because everyone has pictures up. You don’t have to be invited to the wedding or even know the people getting married but you do know what the wedding dress looked like, what venue it was held at and who went. And then you talk about it like its your business. You know what mood people are in and how they feel about the weather. You know what shows they watch and you don’t even have to be peering through their window anymore. It’s amazing. You can also take quizes to find out what celebrity boyfriend you’d have. Saves money on Teen Bop and so it makes sense. Its quite obvious why everyone is so addicted because without knowing all of this information, life would be so mundane. But that’s just me. You might disagree and I don’t respect that.

he’s just not | that into you *spoilers?

Okay. So much to say, so little bandwidth.

I never read reviews before watching a movie because for the most part, I think reviewers are just people with opinions who write well. I think they are stupid (on account of being people) and I much rather see and judge for myself. Twas no different with He’s Just Not That Into You. But I read the reviews after I saw it and I’d like to say that I disagree with them for the most part. Shocker.

Most thought it was a misogynistic romantic comedy that put women in a bad light. I just thought it was an exaggerated take on reality. But maybe just my reality? I mean, if you’re a 50-year-old married balding man, you will hardly understand the significance of the events that take place in the movie.

Take Ginnifer Goodwin’s character, Gigi. She is a crazy stalker who doesn’t know how to date. Most of her behavior is embarrassing and for the most part, it made me very uncomfortable watching her. But I know her. I know her because girls really do behave like this. And I know this because I have guy friends and they show me the text messages/emails/IMs. (It’s a lot sadder when you see it happening in real life.) But also because some of my girl friends have behaved like this. And perhaps I myself have behaved like this. Is she a loser? Yes. But haven’t we all been there at one point or another? Why hate. Let’s appreciate. And learn.

Next.

Misogynistic. No. Because the movie wasn’t only about how girls like boys who don’t like them back. The movie was also about how boys like girls who don’t like them back. Take Kevin Connolly’s character, Conor. Sure, Gigi stalks Conor but Conor stalks Anna, played by Scarlett Johansson. He doesn’t get that she doesn’t like him and its like watching a sad train wreck because we all know she doesn’t but he goes and tries to buy a house for them. The moral is that boys have feelings, too. Guys stress out about it just as much as girls do but they’re are just more composed in their loserness and hide it much better. I know this to be true in real life, too. I see the text messages/emails/IMs.

Next.

Marriage/Divorce. Reviewers said all women want to do is get married or some shit like this. Well Neil (Ben Affleck) and Beth (Jennifer Aniston) have been together for 7 years and are in their 30s. Why shouldn’t she expect to get married? And so what if she wants to. It’s not like she’s crying about it being 24. Or 26. For me, the movie reaffirmed my belief that marriage, while nice, is bogwash. Because Ben cheats on his wife Janine (Jennifer Connolly) with Anna and that shit could happen whether you have a license to be together or not. (And also girls do it too in the real world). Its unfortunate but it happens. Divorce just sucks because it’s a legal hassle but a breakup is a breakup no matter what you call it.

Conclusion: There is nothing romantic or comedic about it when your friend is sitting on the crate at 3AM in the morning, crying about another boy who has not given her the love she deserves. Or telling a story about the little thing he did that means nothing at all. Or writing out a detailed plan of action about how the plan has now changed but the same crazy behavior is still in effect. It’s not funny when it happens in real life but if you aren’t living it (or have lived it), then you certainly won’t find it funny on the screen. I thought it was one laugh short of highlarious and a must see for 20-something singles.

conversations with | my mom

It’s Friday. I took a mental health day from work.

So I’m trying to take a nap. The doorbell rings. I look up. Or maybe I look to the side. This is what I do when I think. I wonder whether or not I want to get up to answer the door. I decide to answer the door because it’s Friday and it might be the Jewish boys. I will ask if they left me the cookies. I open the door and it’s my mom. She has brought my laundry. This is our conversation.

Me: What are you doing here?
Mom: Why are you home?
Me: Mental health day. Want to hear about my problems?
Mom: I brought your laundry.
Me: You just come without calling? How did you know anyone was here?
Mom: Last time Sarah was here. Charlene used to open the door for me.
Me: But how did you know anyone was here today?

Then I notice she has keys.

Me: What the hell is that?! You have keys?
Mom: Yes. How do you think I bring you your laundry when you’re not home?
Me: I don’t know.
Mom: I made a copy last time. I told you.
Me: You did no such thing. You made me have a fight with Val about lost keys. What the hell.
Mom: No. You just don’t remember anything. You’re just like your father. Useless.

Then she did what moms do, I guess. She examined me and the entire apartment.

Smoking:
Mom: I thought you quit smoking Monday.
Me: I was just kidding.

Moses:
Mom: Do you at least change his water?
Me: Does it look like I do?
Mom: I don’t know. Oh. Te takaya…ugh.

Kitchen:
Mom: Why don’t you eat the oranges I gave you? I don’t eat them so you can have them.
Me: Does it look like I eat?
Mom: I gave them to you two weeks ago.
Me: Okay. I’ll eat them.

Then she looked inside the fridge and I was very scared because I didn’t eat anything she gave me. All she did was grunt.

Living Room:
Mom: What’s this? Are these the sheets you were looking for?
Me: No. I think those are Charlene’s.
Mom: Charlene moved out 3 months ago.
Me: Oh.

My Room:
Mom: Do you put away the laundry or do you just put it on your chair? And where are your socks?
Me: I don’t have enough room.
Mom: Maybe we should get you another dresser.
Me: To be honest, I’d like a whole new room. And I want to paint the walls.
Mom: But it’s dark.
Me: Turn the light on and it will be less dark and you’ll see that the walls are white.
Mom: You’re a pig. I don’t like coming here. You’re a girl. You should be ashamed.
Me: I am ashamed. But the cleaning lady hasn’t been here. She doesn’t call me back.
Mom: This has nothing to do with her.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about because this is clean.
Mom: You make me sick. I’m leaving. I don’t like it here.

And then she left. Ran out actually. I kid you not. She didn’t even give me a hug/kiss goodbye. I would change the locks if it wasn’t for the fact that she does shit for me and needs access. And now I wait for the Jewish boys.

i think i | have a crush

Val and I bonded over a list in a bathroom and that is likely the last time we shared anything in common. But eight years later (holy shit), we are still as tight as a born-again virgins vajay. It is our great differences that likely keep us together (like magnets, I think?) and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Part of this bond is talking every day. For the past two and a half years, Val and I have spoken online for approximately eight hours a day on account of us both hating to work. She’s had the same job and I’m on my third (difference #843) but it all remains the same. I know when she is supposed to be at work and so if she’s not there, I text her to inform her of her lateness and ask where she is. She does the same for me. If either of us dissapeared, the cops would have a decent timeline. But anyways – once she gets there, we talk about stuff. Everything, really. Yes, we talk about you for sure. We have a system and it works. But now that system has been broken. Because as of Monday, Val has joined the other 80% of my friends who don’t have a job. Now I am all alone in the scary world of AIM.

Usually I’m pretty good at not getting attached like this but I find myself feeling somewhat alone without her. And so on Monday I made her come online to talk to me. And so she did and we chatted like old times. But today – today was different. Today she had plans. So I texted her to tell her to get a blackberry so I can communicate with her more efficiently, sent her a facebook comment informing her that I’m developing a crush on her and would she like to sleep over and then text her after work asking where the hell she’s been all day.

I’ve never behaved this way before. And I’m worried. Will I soon have to consult with Zohra about how to word my text messages to her? Will I start to double think everything before I say it? Will I giggle like an annoying school girl when she comes into the room? But most importantly, will I give her a nickname because I uncomfortably smile too much when I say her name? That girl…What girl? You know…that girl. The one I like. Don’t make me say her name. She might hear. But this conversation is only in your head. Oh. But still…

Together we remain candy colored drag queen hookers.

usb | finger | weird

The guy who owns this finger lost the original one in a motorcycle accident. So instead of getting a normal looking replacement, he opted for a USB drive.

There is not much else to this story but if you’d like to see more pics, click ova here.

you’re too | fucken happy

Sometimes people say that I’m too happy and so I’m going to take this as a hint that I should tone it down.

Thank you, Aloysius, for showing me the light.

creep tools | @ work

Part of my job entails me doing sophisticated analysis of website data. This analysis involves how many people visit sites, what they look at and for how long, what sites they came from and where else they go after they leave. I study the words you use to search for products and then how much money you spend once you find said products. People think there is a recession. Not online.

We know everything about you.

And then we target you.

With pretty ads.

But that’s not the point.

The point is that obviously I’m tracking this blog because I can’t help it. This is what I know about you.

Your IP Address
Your Internet Provider
Your Location
Date and Time of Visit
Length of Visit
Whether you’re returning or you’re a chick virgin

And this isn’t even the deluxe version of this tracking. Because if it was the deluxe version, I’d be able to download it all in Excel and make a Pivot with your information and sell it to registered sex offenders. I love to pivot. And registered sex offenders.

Anywho, this was my way of saying thank you for reading. I’m not that good with words and so I’m sure it came out all wrong.