Dear Hiring Manager,
I am applying for the position of Interactive Marketing Specialist for your New York office which I found in my Gmail this morning. My boyfriend has been aggressively hinting that I should find employment immediately and this was one of his newest approaches. I am somewhat experienced, not-so-detail oriented and a too far out-of-the-box thinker with a skill for interviewing and a prescription to Adderoll for my adult onset Attention Deficit Disorder.
For the past two years, I have been lying to employers about my passion for interactive marketing. I employ methods such as extreme head nodding and pain-inducing smiling to indicate I am attentive, listening and interested. I am neither. However, what I don’t lie about is my experience with internet tracking tools such as Google Analytics. While I am very well versed in this tracking software, I often find myself not giving a fuck and subsequently make numerous careless mistakes.
I understand this position entails doing detailed reports that utilize complex formulas such as dollars sold/dollars spent. These reports are crucial to any time-wasting day so I’d like to point out that I am extremely good at failing math and after seven years of math tutoring, the only number I am good with is 5. As in I’m leaving at 5 o’clock everyday, regardless of what I’m working on. As the classic someecard once said, “you can’t fire me if you can’t find me.”
This brings me to point out that I quit smoking cigarettes last year and will no longer be spending 60% of my time outside. Instead I have increased my daily caffeine consumption and will be spending more time in the ladies room. If you insist on looking for me, you can find me in the handicapped bathroom stall. I am claustrophobic.
I enjoy working independently and will complain to anyone who will listen if asked to work in a team setting. My motivation lies in avoiding long term goals (because I won’t be with your company long term) as well as any projects where I have to go the extra mile. I have bad ankles and was reluctant to go the first mile.
To conclude, I feel I am a terrible fit for your company and will do nothing more than waste your time and company resources. I have enclosed a heavily exaggerated copy of my resume for your review. Please note that when I use the word “managed,” what I really meant was that I managed to embellish every task I noted.
I don’t look forward to hearing from you but my boyfriend does.
A male banker looking at boobs? What a shocker.
What Samsung really means is : ugly girls who favor glasses instead of makeup are not only single-fo-life but bat shit crazy as well. And please buy a camera!
^This pic took an hour to plan
Vinny called me yesterday and asked if him and I had plans. I said no. He said he was going to hang out with his friend. I said ok. He went to hang out with his friend. It was simple. It’s not so simple when I hang out with my friends. And now there is a study to prove it!
The new study, conducted by whothefuckknows, suggests that it takes girls an average of three days, five hours and 22 minutes to organize a girls night out. I’m not surprised.
When my girl friends plan a night out, they enjoy giving a brief updated bio of their life before getting to the hanging out part. It is usually 300+ characters and often forgets to mention the date and time of hang out.
Hey girls! It’s been a long time. So I’m going to be free on ____ and ____ but only if ______ doesn’t decide to _______ , which we all know might happen. He he ha ha. Anyway, I was thinking we could ____________ on ________________, weather permitting, and then……….
When I was working at The Og, we had to go to a lot of lunches with publishers. One day we went to lunch with some folks from Business.com and it was really one of the most annoying experiences of my life. Sales people are really annoying and animated and at the time, I wasn’t. Anyways, on the way back to the office, I was talking with one of my co-workers. The topic of happiness came up and I noted that I didn’t know too many happy people. So this girl was like, “well maybe you need new friends.” I was offended because I like my friends, happy or not. So I get defensive and I’m like “well maybe you need to grow the fuck up you stupid stuttering bitch.” I didn’t really say that but I wanted to.
Happiness isn’t the easiest thing to come by, especially when adult problems get in the way. But sometimes, it’s important to realize that life is short and not everything is a big deal. Unless it’s my problem, in which case it’s always a big deal. I can’t always practice what I preach.
The picture is pretty self explanatory. That’s me in a trunk. Vinny’s trunk. He got a new car a few months ago and I wanted to see how comfortable I could get back there if he proved to be one of those Italians.
I decided to post it for my favorite occasional black man, Tannerleah. He asked where I was (in a trunk?) and there is nothing more beautiful than strangers asking where you’ve been. This makes me feel popular, beautiful and reaffirms my belief that I am better than you. Oh, there it goes again. Feel free to say hello to my ego as it passes over your house. Don’t expect a hello back. Ego is a snob.
That’s pretty much it. Expect more posts. If I fail you, read Tannerleah instead. He is hilarious.
It’s been a while since we’ve seen any of Zohra’s people. No, I don’t mean midgets, I mean Punjabi people.
“After twenty years of sex-free marriage, a frigid woman has discovered that her asexual husband is really a woman, and she finally admitted that she is really a man.”
What’s up with people getting married without having sex first? That’s just wrong.
“Marco and Kalala Tergensonen, of Kuopio, Finland, had both been dressing as the opposite sex since their teenage years.
Marco, originally Marcia, 38, had always enjoyed dressing, talking, and acting like a woman.
And Kalala, originally Katu, had always enjoyed cutting his hair and dressing to look like a man.
When the couple fell in love and got married, it just made each of their little games that much more believable.
And, in twenty years, they just never got around to having sex. The subject simply never came up, since neither of them wanted to face the issue.”
What I really want to be for Halloween is myself circa 2000. All I would need is some super-long acrylic tips with french manicure, acne and bad clothes. Unfortunately I’m too vain for such literal flashbacks and will likely go as myself circa never – i.e. a slutty Sally Ride. I guess just maybe half of never.
Click here for your very own slutty costume! But click here if you want to be the fat lady with the dog stuck in her ass.
When I first saw this, I thought it was an “oh shit! I shit in your bathroom and clogged the toilet” kit. I figured it would contain a list of excuses, a blowup plunger and maybe some air freshener. Upon further inspection, I saw that it was nothing of that sort. It was more like an “oh shit! I’m a whore and need sunglasses and some mouth wash ASAP.”
I dig it.
Get it here.
Hello dear friends!
Sorry I haven’t been writing as much. It was a really busy summer and I just couldn’t pry myself away from the many engagements that required my attention. Please see below for list of engagements.
1) Quitting Smoking
Not smoking took up a lot of my time. Not only could I barely think of anything else besides the fact that I wasn’t smoking but I could barely talk about anything else. Ex: “If this were yesterday, I would be smoking right now.” “You know what I want? Yup. A cigarette.” “I love smoking and this quitting nonsense is just not fair.” It came to a point where I wanted to kick my own ass. Luckily for me, when I tried to become a smoker again with ‘just one cigarette’, I threw up all day and never second guessed my decision to quit again. Now that I am nicotine free physically and mentally, I am free to blog again.
2) Getting Fat
I’m sure there a lot worse things in life than fat face but when I have one, I can’t seem to think of any. A former skinny bitch, I used to pride myself on being able to use my sharp, protruding hip bone as a weapon. But now, the only bones I am dealing with are connected to fried chicken. Just kidding. I don’t eat that anymore because I’m on a diet. A “I ain’t eating nothing till I loose this weight” diet. So now that I am no longer eating all day like it’s going out of style, I am free to blog again.
3) I Met a Boy…Named Vinny
Sure, consistent sex kept me busy but it was more so the preparation for consistent sex. Shaving everyday plus doing my hair plus picking out the perfect outfit (+ accessories) for dinner took up a lot of time. And when I wasn’t doing those things I was thinking about doing those things. But now that we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend and I know he’s not going anywhere if I accidentally forget to shave my knees, I am free to blog again.
In conclusion, I am free to blog again. And I will. So stay tuned for stories about funerals, tow truck drivers and my new love for brand new babies. It’ll be fun ya’ll so get comfy and stay awhile.
See that dude? His names is Sean Roberts. Sean and his lady pal Billie Kiser decided it would be a good idea to rob some people. So they did. Sean and Billie broke into a mobile home and stole prescription drugs, a DVD player, a CD player and $120 in cash. They ran away but were later caught when the residents identified Sean and his fancy face tattoo. Shocking.
At first I was like, “Woah! People still use CD Players?” But then I re-read and saw it was a mobile home and it all made sense. But then I wondered why he wouldn’t wear a ski mask. That is, after all, the preferred facial attire for robbers. But I suppose it’s hot in Florida and they might not sell those? Either way, this fella seems to have a bright future ahead. Mozel Tov!
Read more here.