A few months ago, I embarked on a glorious journey I liked to call Operation: Gain 10. This entailed me eating food in an effort to gain 10 pounds, all of which I hoped would spread evenly amongst my boobage and butt areas. My main goal was to look more like my idol, Kim Kardashian, and less like my non-idol, Olive Oyl, aka: Popeye’s lady love.
I am proud to announce that my goal has been achieved.
I discovered my victory one evening when I was getting dressed. First I put on my jeans. This took 6 minutes. I jumped around a bit as this was the only way I could get them over my thighs. Then I had to lie down to button them up. I admired my flat tummy while on my back and it reminded me of why I was so fond of being there so much. It was a lovely moment.
Next up was my top. I decided on a tank I had bought last summer. I put that one. Then I went to the mirror to check my hot self out. But the chick in the mirror wasn’t so happy to see me. In fact, she was frowning. And without warning, she just flipped out and started to yell.
“Damn girl. Your tummy is like a tsunami all up in dem jeans!!!”
I don’t know why my alter ego speaks ghetto but I didn’t try to figure it out just then. I was too busy sobbing in the corner, coming to terms with the fact that I, that skinny bitch, had succeeded in her mission and not only gained 10 pounds but a muffin top to go along with it.
A fucking MUFFIN TOP. It was a horrible site to behold.
For those of you not in the know, muffin top was designed to humiliate and cause extreme discomfort. It is your jeans way of letting you know they are not pleased to be on your fat ass. And we all know – if the fat can’t stay inside, then you should.
I immediately changed into something more comfortable – i.e. something out of my pregnant woman closet. That is where I stock my none-form fitting “fashionable” tops. The tops that, when worn with a belt, will completely mask the fact that I look like I just ate a three-month old baby. The tops that, when worn without a belt, will drape over my body like a designer garbage bag. I love those tops.
In conclusion, I am fat. And in the spirit of this new discovery, I’d like to invite you on my new journey, aptly titled Operation: Lose 5. Please bring your helmets – it’s going to be a turbulent ride.