omfg | fuck you orlando

This is another example of why cops are pigs.

Just because its a law doesn’t mean you have to enforce it. Sure, you think its your job but I assure you that there are many ways to get out of doing it. I can make you a list if you’d like. And I don’t understand how you, piggy cops, think you’re doing something good with your life when all you’re doing is staking out a charitable event.

And who the fuck makes a law that bans feeding homeless people? Apparently Orlando, the worst place on Earth. Perhaps they should spend more time looking into why they have so many hobos and not making stupid laws.

Happy Tuesday.

fuck you | alex rodriguez

I am not a fan of the Alex Rodriguez. At first I thought he had mental problems and I liked him. But then I realized he is just a narcissistic douchebag who can’t win a series. What the fuck do they pay him for? Then he went and publicly cheated on his wife with a fatty and it was like, why can’t you cheat on the DL? Why do you have to go to restaurants with this ugly when you know your wife will see. Fine. But then he gets caught with the steroids and talks shit about Jeter and it’s just like, go the fuck home already. I’ve had enough of you.

But Details and The Yankees disagree with me so I will have no relief. Instead I will post pictures to give him more attention. Good job.

redneck | dating

I don’t know if this is real or not but I hope it is.

lindsay lohan | is a whore

That is Lindsay Lohan’s mother. And she too is a whore.

I met her when I went to a Dave Matthews lung cancer benefit at MSG with Mike. Samantha Ronson was spinning and as soon as I saw her, I obsessed about meeting her and then essentially made Mike ask her if it was okay that we get a picture together. And then I started talking to her even though she was visibly drunk.

Me: I don’t know what people are talking about. You’re a great mom.
Dina: Oh thaaaaaaank you. You know these paparazzi are everywhere and they just want to ruin my life.
Me: I know all about it. And your ex-husband – what a mess. WHAT A MESS. You were voted Mother of the Year on Long Island even though your kids set the house on fire. Was he? No.
Dina: Oh, yeah. You know about that. I’m so happy someone is on our side. The paps hate us.
Me: Yeah. I watch your show. And you’re fucking awesome. So is Lindsay and Ali. It’s that ex-husband of yours.

Then she asked that we take more pictures together and asked me not to post this on my myspace.

I obliged.

Anywho, there is a warrant out for Lindsay’s arrest for being a drug addict whore. Then Lindsay denied there was a warrant and then the LAPD un-denied her denial and said that yes, we want her. And she’s been fighting with her terrible DJ of a girlfriend and it’s all a mess. Apparently the paps were stalking their house and saw it all go down. I’ll post the video tomorrow as I am sure there will be one.

I know its hard to get better when you get so low but this is a shame. Lindsay needs to go to jail and come out and Nicole Ritchie herself. Seriously. Get yourself together.

And if you’re wondering whether or not I smoked at this lung cancer benefit, the answer is yes. Some dude I met outside gave me half his j (awesome, right?) and we smoked as Dave sang some song I know I hated. Then I chased it with a cig.

Mike – we need more of these nights.

stupid | models

This is what happens when you bring a bunch of stupid models from the midwest together and someone yells “there’s a bomb.” Insanity. These chicks were waiting to audition for America’s Next Top Model when a car overheated and some douche yelled about a bomb and then all the chick douches got scared and did what they did. Ugh. As if these broads don’t want the TV or something. When there’s a real bomb, they don’t want you to know about it. They want the bomb to go off so that you die.

I think its time to close NYC borders.

the | pillar

Raquel thinks that if it’s made in Italy, then it must be good. It is likely for this reason that she owned a Made in Italy pillar. I guess she got sick of it because then she gave it to Charlene, who kept it in her room with a lovely painting on it to make it look more useful. When Charlene moved out, she left the pillar. Then Raquel asked for her furniture and so she came to get her stuff. She was about to take the pillar when her brother said “what the fuck do you need this for?” And Raquel is like “It’s Made in Italy.” Her brother won and so she left it. Then Sarah moved in but she has no room for it and so we moved it to the dining room. It was sitting there for a good two weeks when I decided that it doesn’t match and so I was about to throw it out when I realized that it is Made in Italy and there are people in this world who aren’t lucky enough to have such exquisite fancy furniture. So I decided to put it outside my door. Because hello, it’s Made in Italy. You don’t throw that kinda shit out.

And now you know where I live. Great.

i love | john mccain

Dear President Obama,

You suck. $1.7 million for a honey bee factory in Texas? $1.7 million on pig owner research in Iowa? $2 million on star research in Hawaii?

I file you under douchebaggery. And also all those douchebags who supported you because they are hopeless losers and need someone to tell them it will all be okay. Of course it will be okay. For pig owners in Iowa. I don’t even know where that is. Good day to you, sir.

Love,
DSquared.

goodbye | moses jesus

I wanted to help Moses live better and so I decided to change his water. But when I went to take him out of his tank, he hissed at me. He always hisses at me but today it was extra loud. I thought I might go deaf. So of course I was too scared to touch him and so I did what anyone would do – I changed the water with him in the tank. I don’t think he liked it.

I think he hisses at me because he is still mad at me from that time I went on vacation and left him near that open window. Without food. The ideal environment for these turtles is the Mississippi River and so the January draft caused him to get pneumonia. I know this because Val and Zohra made me Google it after they noticed he was acting erratically – i.e. banging his body into the glass repeatedly.

I’m obviously not responsible enough to take care of anything and so I don’t want him anymore. Charlene and I got him together so something could love us but Charlene bounced and this little guy doesn’t love me. Therefore, I’m done with him.

And don’t take him for me. Take him for him. He deserves a better home. He’s really nice and enjoys doing Yoga and basking under his light. Sometimes he gets stuck in his rock but I think he likes it.

If nobody wants him, I’m just going to set him free in the Coney Island Hospital Emergency Room and hope they take care of it.

Do the right thing.

creep tools | @ work

Part of my job entails me doing sophisticated analysis of website data. This analysis involves how many people visit sites, what they look at and for how long, what sites they came from and where else they go after they leave. I study the words you use to search for products and then how much money you spend once you find said products. People think there is a recession. Not online.

We know everything about you.

And then we target you.

With pretty ads.

But that’s not the point.

The point is that obviously I’m tracking this blog because I can’t help it. This is what I know about you.

Your IP Address
Your Internet Provider
Your Location
Date and Time of Visit
Length of Visit
Whether you’re returning or you’re a chick virgin

And this isn’t even the deluxe version of this tracking. Because if it was the deluxe version, I’d be able to download it all in Excel and make a Pivot with your information and sell it to registered sex offenders. I love to pivot. And registered sex offenders.

Anywho, this was my way of saying thank you for reading. I’m not that good with words and so I’m sure it came out all wrong.

fuck you | angels in waiting

I’m thinking maybe I should stop saying fuck you so much? It’s not lady-like I hear. But whatever. I’ll deal with this another time because today I am annoyed.

What’s up with the world hating on Octomom Nadya Suleman?! Apparently someone reported that Angels in Waiting was going to be helping her out with the babies. Apparently this wasn’t true and Angels in Waiting went buckshit crazy.

“AIW Home Care is NOT and HAS NOT been connected in any way to Nadya Suleman, the Octuplets’ Mother in California who gave birth to 8 additional children.

Angels in Waiting Home Care is NOT donating or supporting Nadya Suleman in any form.

Angels in Waiting Home Care has NEVER been associated with Ms. Suleman in any form.

Any company or persons using ANGELS IN WAITING Home Care is in violation of TRADEMARK LAWS and AIW Home Care will pursue legal actions against anyone violating them.”

You’re not helping the mom, douchebags. You’re also NOT helping her children. Just because you don’t agree with her decision doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help the innocent children. Why is this idea so far fetched?! Why is everyone such a sheep. Can someone out there have a heart and stop focusing on her crazy and maybe focus on those 8 lil babies who need clothes, diapers, food, etc? Shit. If I had the money, I’d give it to you.

In conclusion, angels in waiting are not angels at all. They are demons.

britneys pussy | hangs out

This is great. Britney Spears was performing in Tampa and her leotard or whatever was too small and her vajay was on display. You can hear her say “My pussy is hanging out!” as she dissapears beneath the stage.

Dear Britney,

Remember that time you forgot to wear underwear and then forgot to keep your legs closed and the entire world saw your lady parts? Yeah. It’s nothing new to us. But I still love you!

Love,
Me

LAPD | dumbfucks

There is a serial killer in Los Angeles and the LAPD is too fucking stupid to catch him. Please enjoy a snippet of an article.

“LOS ANGELES – Authorities hope a new $500,000 reward will help them catch a serial killer who has claimed the lives of at least 10 women and a man in a two-part string of violence spanning more than two decades.

All the victims were black and were found in or near South Los Angeles. Police believe some of the women were prostitutes. Seven women and a man were killed by the same handgun in a three-year period starting August 1985. The women had been sexually assaulted and their bodies were often dumped in the same alley in South Los Angeles.”

Often dumped in the same alley…interesting. I’m no brain scientist but why wouldn’t they install cameras in this murder alley? Once, okay. Twice, fine. But three times? What the fuck LAPD. Don’t you watch CSI or Without a Trace or anything?!

With the reward, I’m pretty sure he will be caught soon. The paps will be all over this because 500K is more than what they get paid for pictures of Brad and Angie. They’ll not only find out who he is but what herpes medication he uses. Then US Weekly will break the story and the LAPD will go back to doing what they do best – controlling traffic on Hollywood Blvd.

And look at this cover from LA Weekly. They’ve given him a name and already made the DVD cover for when the movie comes out. I smell royalty checks.

Read more here.

katie holmes | robot

Doesn’t the picture say it all? She hates Tom, Suri was a mistake and uhm, loving her life is something she remembers but it’s not a current reality. To be fair, she looks beautiful but she hasn’t looked happy in ages. You’re an actress, no? FAKE IT like we all do.

Daniel personally doesn’t give a rats ass about rich, famous people and their troubles. The Susanna and I disagreed with him but now I’m starting to agree with Daniel because honestly, you should never have signed away your life like that. We all pay for our mistakes. Katie just happens to do it on the cover of Glamour. How difficult that must be.

In addition, I’d like to note that a) I stole this from Perez Hilton and b) I think I might stop talking about celebs because I feel like a hater. But enjoy looking at the pic and feeling better about yourself.

fuck you | nbc universal

Dear NBC Universal,

I was doing some site maintenance on my fabulous blog when I stumbled upon one of my stories “best | scene ever.” It was the scene in “The Hitcher” where John Ryder, eloquently played by Sean Bean, is driving his Camaro and shooting at cops with NIN “Closer” as the soundtrack. It makes me warm inside. And so I says, oh my, I love this scene! It is certainly the best | scene ever. Let me watch it. And so I did what any person would do when they want to watch a YouTube video they think is awesome. I pressed play.

And do you know what douchebaggery I saw? “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by NBC Universal.” What? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK, NBC?! Those are just some of the things that went through my mind. And then some more.

I want to meet the troll that is responsible for policing Youtube for this copyright infringement. You are as good in this world as New York City meter maids as you both learned how to rape us in the same way. While the City spends millions making signs to confuse us so we pay millions in tickets, you spend millions paying actors to get us to like your movies. And then when we actually do, you take away any enjoyment we might have had watching/listening to it after we originally paid to see it.

But despite the similarities you share with this fine city, there is one huge difference. I can fuck you right back. And so I will. All I wanted was the 15 second scene. But now I want the entire movie. So I will download it. Illegally. I also went your site. I’m going to illegally download everything I see there, too. Except “The Last House on the Left.” I want to see that in the theater. But I’ll probably just sneak in. So in yo face, NBC. In yo moms face, too.

In addition, I’d like to note that the picture used in this blog is from your website. Sue me. I dare you.

Sincerely,
That Chick

NYU kids are | douchebags

Did you hear about those loser NYU kids who barricaded themselves inside the cafeteria to protest financial and academic issue and were then suspended? Well now you did. And good riddance to them. Suspend them all. Hang them from nooses if necessary. Yes, even if they’re black because otherwise that would be blatant discrimination.

The thing is this – NYU is overpriced. But didn’t you know this before you accepted to go there? Didn’t you know how much the school costs and how much financial aid you weren’t going to be getting? That’s like me going into a Bentley dealership, buying a Bentley, and then coming back to protest the next day because I think their cars are overpriced and oh, shit, I just lost my mistress gig and won’t have the money to pay for it. It’s complete douchebaggery.

And please know that there are many great schools in New York that cost less and teach more. Just because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went to NYU doesn’t mean it’s a good school. Because James Franco and Julia Stiles go to Columbia. I’m sure someone noteworthy has gone to Baruch. There’s the New School and a bunch of other places that never have such public problems. Is it the school or just that NYU accepts retards?

(Sidenote: I actually saw Julia Stiles when I was working at The Og. She smiled at me and my friend. Perhaps she didn’t want us following her? I also saw Ethan Hawke. He didn’t smile. In fact he walked in the opposite direction. Am not sure why. Was offended.)

Anywho, this is the end of my rant against NYU kids. Just know that I hate you and that you ruined the West Village for me. And perhaps instead of doing these stupid things, read a book and actually learn something. You’re wasting your parents money, yo. And I’m sure they hate you, too.

Source

text | war

Have you ever had those text message conversations that lasted the entire day? You know, the ones where you exchange only 4 messages because you each wait 2 hours before you respond. You are obviously too busy to bother. But the truth is that you do care or else you wouldn’t be waiting to respond. I actually know nothing about doing this because I am fucking cool.

My friend tells me theres another kind of text message war. The kind where you initially wait an hour to respond but then the other person responds quicker and before you know it you’ve sent 3 texts within 5 minutes. And then nothing. I pity the fool who falls into this trap. Not me, though. I’m cool.

And how about those days when you says to yourself – I’m not falling into any traps today. And you pep talk yourself and you bang on your chest like a confident cave(wo)man that you are and then…you fall for the trap.

It happens. Sometimes repeatedly. But not to me. Because I am fucking cool.

sarah palin | rules

Why does everyone think its funny that Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house? I think that’s pretty cool. All I see from my house is some minority with 27 of their closest kids. Sometimes I see traffic. But nothing as cool as Russia. Most of you live in real douchebag places and probably have never even left the country. And you’re making fun of her for seeing another one from her porch? Jeez. Lots of you need to stop sipping on the hateraid. It causes cancer, you know. Or at least I hope it does. In which case, keep drinking.

obama | sushi roll

G-D PEOPLE. Why are you so obsessed with this man? It’s not like he’s Justin Timberlake. He can’t sing or dance at the same time. He isn’t dating Jessica Biel. He didn’t bring sexy back, either. So what is the crazy fascination with him? What has he done to deserve such an honor? Someone please inform….

Source

road | kill

I’ve hit real people while driving and so I’d have no problem running over a snail.

8 | ball

I am starting to think that my relationship with my Magic 8 ball is becoming harmful to my mental health. That’s all I have to say for now.