texting | while driving

just | sayin | re: student drivers

I like to cut off student drivers. It makes me feel like a professor of driving who has just taught these students three valuable lessons with one simple action.

1) People are assholes.
2) Don’t go 30 in the middle lane when the speed limit is 50.
3) Good reflexes – have them.

You can’t pay for that kind of education.

Just saying.

best | wedding | ever

I’m not one of those regular girls. I don’t shop for hours, I hate fighting and sometimes I pee standing up. I also don’t live my life to get married. However, I do love weddings. And I love, love, LOVE this video. Two people in love having fun on their wedding day. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

dumb | robbers

See that dude? His names is Sean Roberts. Sean and his lady pal Billie Kiser decided it would be a good idea to rob some people. So they did. Sean and Billie broke into a mobile home and stole prescription drugs, a DVD player, a CD player and $120 in cash. They ran away but were later caught when the residents identified Sean and his fancy face tattoo. Shocking.

At first I was like, “Woah! People still use CD Players?” But then I re-read and saw it was a mobile home and it all made sense. But then I wondered why he wouldn’t wear a ski mask. That is, after all, the preferred facial attire for robbers. But I suppose it’s hot in Florida and they might not sell those? Either way, this fella seems to have a bright future ahead. Mozel Tov!

Read more here.

boner | peeing

Unfortunately I’ve never waken up with a boner. Otherwise I would be able to test out that fancy trick if I had to pee with one. Apparently it’s hard for dudes to potty when this occurs.

Pun somewhat completely intended.

For more ways to pee when you’re hard, click here.

muffin | tops | v2.0

A few months ago, I embarked on a glorious journey I liked to call Operation: Gain 10. This entailed me eating food in an effort to gain 10 pounds, all of which I hoped would spread evenly amongst my boobage and butt areas. My main goal was to look more like my idol, Kim Kardashian, and less like my non-idol, Olive Oyl, aka: Popeye’s lady love.

I am proud to announce that my goal has been achieved.

I discovered my victory one evening when I was getting dressed. First I put on my jeans. This took 6 minutes. I jumped around a bit as this was the only way I could get them over my thighs. Then I had to lie down to button them up. I admired my flat tummy while on my back and it reminded me of why I was so fond of being there so much. It was a lovely moment.

Next up was my top. I decided on a tank I had bought last summer. I put that one. Then I went to the mirror to check my hot self out. But the chick in the mirror wasn’t so happy to see me. In fact, she was frowning. And without warning, she just flipped out and started to yell.

“Damn girl. Your tummy is like a tsunami all up in dem jeans!!!”

I don’t know why my alter ego speaks ghetto but I didn’t try to figure it out just then. I was too busy sobbing in the corner, coming to terms with the fact that I, that skinny bitch, had succeeded in her mission and not only gained 10 pounds but a muffin top to go along with it.

A fucking MUFFIN TOP. It was a horrible site to behold.

For those of you not in the know, muffin top was designed to humiliate and cause extreme discomfort. It is your jeans way of letting you know they are not pleased to be on your fat ass. And we all know – if the fat can’t stay inside, then you should.

I immediately changed into something more comfortable – i.e. something out of my pregnant woman closet. That is where I stock my none-form fitting “fashionable” tops. The tops that, when worn with a belt, will completely mask the fact that I look like I just ate a three-month old baby. The tops that, when worn without a belt, will drape over my body like a designer garbage bag. I love those tops.

In conclusion, I am fat. And in the spirit of this new discovery, I’d like to invite you on my new journey, aptly titled Operation: Lose 5. Please bring your helmets – it’s going to be a turbulent ride.

turtle | rape

Clearly the she-turtle is not having fun because if she were, she would be making the same sexy time noises as her male counterpart. But on the other hand, I don’t get why the he-turtle wants to bang her so much. She just sits there. No noises, no hip gyrating, no nothing. I’m thinking this was the first and last time these two got together. She will text him, he will say he didn’t receive it and you know how the story goes.

art | work

More here.

monkey | business

wiener | mobile

Two chicks driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed it into some dude’s house while they were trying to make a U turn. The driver got confused between drive and reverse and as you see, crashed her weiner into a house.

I wish someone crashed their wienermobile into my house. And by house I mean….something else. And not only because I live on the 5th floor of an apartment building.

Read more wiener news here.

kermit | dies

I really have nothing to say in regards to these pictures.

Good day!

Click ova here for more bread pics.

zohra | email | re: facebook

^recently tagged picture of Zohra. I’m certain she would de-tag herself if she could see it. Oh well. Stop watching porn or get virus protection.

So my computer has a billion viruses and might have to be taken off life support – Visa Vi, it might have to be thrown out. So I have no access to facebook. this makes life rather difficult. how will I keep up with current events? some one could be tired right now and I won’t know about it. Someone else could be going to New Hampshire and I won’t know. What if yet another person is writing RIP MJ??? This makes me sick inside. What if someone tagged me in a photo and someone is writing ROFL as we speak. what if someone else broke up with their boyfriend and is now eating french fries. I can’t breath. I wonder if anyone got poked today? So much is missing from my life.

rage | against the machine | pt 2

Following numerous arguments with The Man, I finally got my review. In truth, I requested to not be reviewed and simply told to go home but Human Resources would not have it. They have to follow policy or some shit like that. But I finally got it and now I have three weeks to improve. And for your info, it is VERY hard sucking this bad.

Your performance has failed to live up to the positions expectations so far. You have repeatedly made errors in your work that cause extra effort among the group to correct. Consistent mistakes have negatively impacted client’s campaigns and that reflects poorly on ______ Media.

We have spoken several times prior to this review to discuss your performance and the need to meet certain expectations. We had several discussions over the course of the past few months but the first major discussion where your poor performance was noted, occurred in the beginning of June and we have since had several follow up discussions reiterating the same theme. I have expressed on several occasions the need to perform your job duties in an accurate manner.

Difficulties:

Repeating the same mistakes time and again
Extra time and effort is always required to complete basic
projects.
The back and forth of error checking and corrections takes
away time spent from other projects and clients.

Mathematical Skills
You have difficulty in understanding some of the
mathematical formulas needed to succeed in analyzing data.
Part of your job function is to gather and analyze data to make
informed decisions – and these skills are lacking.

Lack of Excel Skills
You have expressed difficulty on several occasions of your lack
of understanding with Excel
The nature of the your position as Junior Search Manager
requires good excel skills to analyze data and make judgments
upon that data.
Lacking these skills will negatively impact your ability to do the
job that you were hired to do.

Reporting Skills
You have difficulty in gathering and organizing data from our
client’s campaigns into accurate reports.
Lack of Passion or Drive within this organization.
Due to the lack of these traits, there seems to be a laid back
approach to your work
Even after mistakes occur within your work, you feel that it is
okay to complete the task tomorrow.

Lack of Communication among other employees
You have expressed a difficulty in “fitting in” at ______.
Interacting with the other members of the team is vital to
understanding our business.

Read rage | against the machine | pt 1