i decided i wanted a change and so i changed the layout but i lost the banner in the process. of course.
please refrain from telling me about how shitty you think it looks. i know because i am wearing my glasses today. i personally feel val should make me a new one. she is so good at what she does and it would be an honor to host her work. 770 x 140.
k. bye.
Filed under lint | licker
I was in Starbucks being a recluse when a boy starting hitting on me. He extended his arm over to mine and so naturally I tried to give him a high five. Then I asked him what his name was but he didn’t respond. Typical, I thought but I wouldn’t let that deter me. But his mom wasn’t having it and so she’s like “he doesn’t know how to talk yet. He’s only 8 months old.”
A boy who doesn’t respond I can handle. But a boy who needs his mom to speak for him? I don’t think so. I got my shit and went because I knew it wasn’t going to work. She didn’t even tell me his name. Cockblocker.
Filed under ass | face, mi | vida
^A: Nothing.
I come to my parent’s house and my dad is on the computer. It is their new favorite thing to do ever since they learned how. So my dad is like, we’re very busy. And I’m like, doing what? And he’s like, we’re on the computer. And I thought this was very cute. Anywho…
Both parentals know about the blog and I often tell them about the things I write about them. So I tell my mom that I wrote about our boyfriend conversation. Then I asked if she wanted to read it. And she’s like, yeah! Send it along. So then I was forced to give her a disclaimer. I said, ma. I curse. A lot. A lot. I say fuck all the time. And other very bad words. Naturally she wasn’t happy and so she’s like, that’s not nice. It’s not very proper and you sound uneducated. And I says, I know mom. I took a vacation and I cleansed the fuck out. And she’s like, You just tell them your mom said you can’t say it. And I says, of course I will.
My mom said I shouldn’t curse and so I won’t.
This means that sentences like “That bitch is a fucking cunt rag whore who _________________” will not be written anymore. (Mom: Cunt means szlaya piska toshta emeit zube) Not that I ever wrote that type of sentence but sometimes it takes dramatics to get a point across.
And my dad agrees with my mom.
Dad: I read your blog. All you do is fuck fuck everywhere.
Me: Tell me about it. That’s why I put myself on fuck probation.
Mom: She said she wasn’t going to do it anymore.
Dad: Fuck is not literature.
Mom: Leave her alone. She knows. She said she wasn’t going to do it anymore.
Dad: I’m just letting her know because I kind of fell out of love with her reading it.
Me: Papa doesn’t love me and mama is defending me. I don’t get it. I said I won’t say it anymore.
Dad: You can say it. Just don’t write it. I mean, what will you do if someone cuts you off?
I will sign language a fuck you to them. Duh.
Filed under mi | vida
Jamie and I are currently having a conversation about green dots and the effects it may or may not have on your sanity. Jamie didn’t notice the green dots before but now she does. She wonders if they are spies.
But what I find most interesting is that Google thinks that it is exciting to block people. Bullies.
the convo:
me: you take too long. im sorry
Jamie!: it was like 4 min
sheesh]
me: sorry.
Jamie!: its ok
me: do you know what those icons are.
near the sns?
Jamie!: nope
what are they
me: like green dots.
Jamie!: i dont think i even know what you are talking about
me: you know where it says chat?
Jamie!: yes
do they mean you are online
im an IM idiot
me: is there a green dot by my sn
Jamie!: yeah, when i roll oever it
over
me: weird.
Jamie!: why
raquel has one tooo
but no one else im my chat group
do i have one
me: yes
i dont have raquels email here
im making a post about you
it will be divine
Jamie!: oooohhhhh
tell me more
me: im posting it now
its funny to me
Jamie!: and now i am all concerned about the green dots
i like funny to you
me: hahah
the green DOTS
now its like one of those icons
Jamie!: do you think they are spy cameras
i am all parnoid now
hahahaha
thanks a lot D
me: im sorry
yours has a little thing now
its not a green dot
Jamie!: oh noooooo
if its rainbow colored i will freak
me: no no
oh dear
hold on
Jamie!: ha ha ok
me: one of those dialogue cloud bubbles
Jamie!: oh yeah you have that tooo
and a green dot when i roll over your name
me: sometimes its a camera
Jamie!: i want to know
WHAT
me: looks like a camera
Jamie!: OMG
its true google is REALLY watching us
not just media tracking us
oh man
me: wait. wait.
Jamie!: k
me: can i publish this convo?
Jamie!: sure
me: hold on
the cloud is there now.
Filed under ass | face
I’ve been trying somewhat hard not to hate people but thus far, my efforts have been futile.
Take the above girl for instance.
We sit next to each other. She is a nice girl. Very friendly. Smart I’m sure. But when she talks to me, I just want to hit her with a Wilton HVS1430 Sledge Hammer.
Like today. There was a meeting I luckily didn’t have to go to and after it was done, the entire department came to the conference room for the food. (Listening for food is good but not listening for food is better.) So she’s like, we should eat at work everyday and sometimes i don’t have time and when you order in, they use containers that aren’t environmentally friendly.
So I’m like, what are you talking about crazy? I actually said that in my head. In real life I said “I don’t like the environment” and walked away.
Maybe, just maybe, a hint was had.
happy friday!
meet you in hell!
Filed under mi | vida
I suppose I am the lady with the black Jheri curl?
I decided to join Twitter but I find that I really have nothing of interest to say and so I don’t really update it. But if I did Twitter, I would probably do it from my Blackberry, even if I was at a computer. You know, because I have Twitterberry and on the computer you have to go to the website, sign on and blah blah. Who has time for that? I also enjoy coffee. I’m drinking it right now for lunch.
Filed under just | sayin
There are two phrases I will never understand. 1) Be creative and 2) Go the extra mile. The Man says this to me a lot.
Be creative? What does this mean? Do you want me to decorate the excel spreadsheet with flowers before I send it? Do you want me to draw smiley faces everywhere or use a different font? Because really, I just don’t understand what that means. I try to be creative in my ad copy. But he rewrites all of that anyway and so I’m stumped. I think I will start using Webdings font on my emails. That’s pretty creative.
But second to the creative thing is the extra mile thing. Because honestly, I didn’t really want to go the first mile and an extra mile doesn’t sound too appealing. My ankles hurt, I can’t breathe and I would rather be doing anything but this extra mile. I didn’t even want to participate in this race and what nerve you have asking for more.
Filed under mi | vida
The below is an email is from Zohra. It made me laugh and perhaps it will make you laugh, too. Enjoy.
Hey I know you wanted to take a break from people and that is cool but I just have to voice the fact that you have been doing this a lot lately. this is like a hobby of yours like Tennis and coin collecting for bored white people.
I don’t know how I feel about this and honestly you wouldn’t survive in a monastery! First of all the people there are bald cause monks are bald and this can be difficult to watch…second they don’t talk, like ever! You wouldn’t be able to make rude comments about their orange robes or yell at one of them for not cooking the rice and bean curd the way you like it. Also they don’t listen to Justin or Coldplay – more like Enya. Can you listen to Enya all day???? I don’t think you can. HOW can you be creative when you don’t have people saying stupid stuff around you? Cause they won’t ever say anything and you can’t just write about one of them falling down the stairs without a witty remark from one of the other monks…so how will you do your “Overheard in Monastery,” part of your blog? What would you write about? “The quiet people are STILL QUIET?” or” YAYLING wore his orange rob again and it was nice.”
I hope that when you come back from this hiatus you have a television show to return to. CAUSE WE JUST GOT CANCELLED BOOOYAHHHH BITCH!
TTYL.
Later is right but I responded to her. This was my email.
Rofl. I’m posting this.
Hers was funnier I think.
Filed under mi | vida
^omg. this is me. and its a t-shirt! you can buy me one here. Size S please and the one from American Apparel if they have because those feel good against the skin.
——————————————————————
I think its important to train parents because if you don’t, they will think its okay to question everything you decide to do in life. Repeatedly. And so that is what I’ve done with my parents. Certain topics are off limits and they know that if they bring it up, there will be some sort of fight. One of those topics is boyfriends. You see, being a 25-year-old single girl in the Russian community is a sin. I can see that it makes their palms sweat and they’re very worried but we don’t really talk about it because I find inquisitions to be bad for my skin. However, you can never really 100% train someone. Particularly your parents.
Example.
Mom: I wonder where we can find you a boyfriend.
Me: Find me a boyfriend?
Mom: A nice boy.
Me: Do you just want me to have a boyfriend? Does it matter if I like him? Finding one I don’t like is easy.
Mom: Well of course you should like him.
Me: So leave me be woman. I’m not worried about it.
Mom: I’m just saying it would be nice.
Me: You know, most people get divorced anyway and so even if I did have a boyfriend and we got married, the chances of us staying together forever are slim. It’s a statistic. And dad is your second marriage.
Mom: No no. I don’t want that. No divorce. Why do you say that?
Me: Me neither. And so I rather find someone I like.
Mom: I didn’t say you shouldn’t like him.
Me: I’ve always had a boyfriend and you know what, I didn’t get to do a lot of things that I wanted.
Mom: You could have done it with them. They just cared more about the rims on their cars.
Me: I meant like, studying abroad. But uhm, thanks.
Round 1: Mom
The next day.
Me: I need a new bed.
Mom: Why?
Me: Because mine is too small. It’s very uncomfortable sleeping with another person.
She doesn’t saying. She just looks at me.
Me: What? You said you wanted a boyfriend for me. Well, no one ever buys a car without taking it for a test run first.
She doesn’t say anything but I can see her crying with her eyes.
Round 2: Me
Later on.
Me: I’m writing a story and I need you to remind me of all the bad ideas I’ve had.
Mom: All of your ideas are bad.
Me: Why are you always bringing up this boyfriend topic? Why?
Round 3: Mom
Final Score: Mom: 2 Me: 1
I don’t go down without a fight and so this is just the beginning, my friends.
Filed under mi | vida
I’ve decided to change my heathen ways and be productive at work. And so now I read. And drink.
Ironically (or maybe not), the beer was courtesy of the job. We media folks work very hard and sometimes need a mid-day happy hour.
But yeah. I read. And it’s even scarier now because I’m scared the Man will come by and ask what I’m doing. As hard as I tried, I was unable to minimize the book and so I’d have to tell the truth. “Oh. I’m reading. It’s for my class.” And then he’d ask me what I’m reading. And I’d have to tell him. “It’s Chelsea Handler’s book. My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands.” And he’d look at me with those hateful eyes I know too well and ask what class.* And you see where this is going. Nowhere good.
On the bright side, I got so much reading done today that I only have 20 more pages to go. Tomorrow I start “I Was Told There’d Be Cake” by Sloane Crosley. I am overjoyed as this is far more suitable reading for an office environment and I will feel less ashamed when caught.
*It’s a writing class. Obviously.
Filed under mi | vida
^This has nothing to do with the story.
Midwood HS called me the other day. They were working on some alumni book and they wanted to know what I was up to. I personally think they were calling to mock me but I’m sure they would disagree.
So this woman, who I could only assume is 89.4 years-old , starts asking me questions.
Did you go to college? Yes.
Did you graduate? Yes.
What was your degree. BA
Do you have any other degrees? No.
Do you work? Yes
What field are you in? Uhm. Uhm. Marketing I guess.
Do you still live where you live? Yes.
Any additions to your listing? What do you mean?
Are you married? Have kids? Pregnant? No. No. I hope not.
Well Diana, for two easy payment of $39.99, you can be the proud owner of this book that will boldly bring attention to your lack of accomplishments. Can I put you down for one copy?
So I’m like, uhm. No. I have facebook. And that’s free. And she’s like, well the book lists classmates two years before and two years after you. And I’m like… OH! Really? Tell me more about people I don’t give a shit about. Go on, old lady. Don’t be shy. And she did. And I hung up. Which is mean but so was she.*
Okay, so first of all, I hate when people/organizations aren’t aware of the year. Perhaps such a book would have been useful in 1999 but I can’t imagine anyone actually buying that crap today.
And second of all, facebook is actually a great place to go to see how underachieved you really are. And by you, I mean me. Not that I don’t feel proud that I’m friends with the future doctors and lawyers of America. It actually makes me feel safe because I’m certain I will need both in my future. But wouldn’t it be nice if say, I were a doctor? Like, Hey sick patient. Doctor Diana will be with you in a moment. Just have a seat. Or if I were a lawyer. They’d say, Diana is a lawyer and so she will be representing herself during this trial. A Jewish lawyer who knows how to save. Imagine that.
I personally think it would make my mom very happy. She likes it when I’m considerate about where I spend my money.
*I didn’t actually hang up on her. Because the last time I hung up on someone like her (customer service, etc), my mom got really mad at me and said it wasn’t nice. And I was like, maybe you’re right but he/she/whocares was overwhelming me with talk and I didn’t know what else to do. Too much pressure. And she’s like, you’re an idiot. So now I don’t hang up on people anymore because I feel bad. I just stop listening. Clearly that’s nicer.
A pineapple. Wasn’t really stolen but $3 for that is certainly a steal. I bought one for Lia too as it was her birthday and we proceeded to walk around the East Village as if they were our babies. At one point, I lost mine at the bar but we were reunited shortly after. I have named him Pineapple.
A glass from d.b.a. There was something about it and so I had to have it.
A candle from that place in Park Slope we always go to when there is nowhere else to go. The name escapes me but I’ll be sure to edit once it comes to me.
Jamie took stole it for me. It was a lovely surprise because that evening, the girls dared me to finish all of the food I had ordered. Two hours later I finished the meal and then Jamie started giving my hand a massage. I thought it was a way to reward me for eating and so I just sat back and relaxed as she molested my hand with a gooey substance. I didn question what it was but then she leaned in close and whispered into my ear, “I poured all the wax out of the candle so you can have it.” Why she had to pour it out on my hand, I don’t know, but it felt nice.
Ah. Simple love.
Filed under mi | vida
That’s Anna. I’ve known her for a few years. Zohra and I were recently reading her (Zs) old journal. There was an entry about how Anna didn’t want to hang out with me when we were young (13) because I was bad and hung out with the wrong kids. I was and I did. But there is also an entry where Zohra writes “DIANA MUST DIE TODAY” and that is all. I must of done something real bad if she couldn’t even muster the energy to elaborate.
I’m so happy my friends love me as much as I love them.
Filed under mi | vida
This just in from Mike of nyc mind munchies. He met the dude once and since I’ve met Mike more than once, I’m inclined to believe the below is real. Also because he forwarded the original email to me and I saw all the names and emails. Ah, this Eugen is my hero.
From: Eugen *****
Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2007 3:11 PM
To: T*G
Subject: The best farewell letter ever written…
Dear Co-Workers and Managers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”
For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful S**aroj ********: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
O**g d****r the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcominly tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets expectation.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.
To B****a A**** whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.
To S****a K****n, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )
To B**b M**** (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.
D***n M**t (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.
To all of the executives of this company, Ja**e D**on and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more.
There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient (”because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.
One!
Warm Regards,
Eugen *****
Filed under douche | baggery
I was in my room when Sarah walked in. “I’m making eggs. Would you like some?” she asked. “Why yes, that would be absolutely wonderful,” I replied. I then looked up to lovely clouds above and sighed. What a great roommate I have, I thought. She is always cooking for me and I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I think I might wash the dishes so she keeps doing it.
So she makes the eggs and we’re both eating in the kitchen when I note that I won’t be getting the car after all and the summer won’t be as freedomy as I would have liked. Unfortunately, and I don’t know how or why, I grew some common sense and realized owning el caro is simply impossible. So then she’s like, oh yeah. About that. I got a job at Disney. In LA. I’m leaving in the summer.
So then I’m like, thank fucking G-d I am taking a stress vacation. Thank G-d for you because I’m standing by the knives and had I been worrying about anything else, one of them would be stuck in your face right now. The right eye in case you want me to be specific. I didn’t say this out loud, of course. Instead I said “oh wow. That’s great. I totally understand. I’m going back to my room now. Please wash the dishes.”
In my room, I sat and stared at the clouds again. Then I realized it wasn’t clouds but water damage on my ceiling. Then I gave her credit for feeding me first. And then I reflected back and realized that both roommates who left me have been from California and I’m never dealing with those messes ever again. No, really. If I have to do Craigslist again, I’m going to have a NO CALIFORNIA GIRLS disclaimer. I don’t care if it’s Jennifer Aniston. But will you consider it? No. But I’m Jennifer Aniston. I don’t care. Go away filthy Cali wench whore. You’re giving me a rash.
In conclusion, I am proud to announce that I got over it 10 minutes later. That’s how I do things nowadays. Like when I was on Chantix but much nicer.
And she did do the dishes.
(There is WiFi on fake vacation.)
Filed under fuck you | fuckery, mi | vida
Dear People,
Today I spilled coffee on my desk again and instead of getting the keyboard out of the way or any other electronics that don’t belong to me, I said “Oh shit. My notebook.” Then I quickly got napkins to wipe it clean, even though I sometimes think coffee stains add character. It’s a fancy notebook, a Moleskine, and I am terribly protective of it. I don’t like when people touch it or look at it or even think about it and so when this paragraph is over, so should the thoughts about the notebook.
The other day I ran into an old college friend. He had just emailed me on facebook and I didn’t reply and the meeting went a little something like this.
Him: Diana…?
Me: Omg! Hey! Sorry I didn’t respond to your email. I was going to. I work around here too!
Him: Suuuure.
Me: No really. I do. Right around the corner actually.
These situations are always very awkward and common for me and I’m thinking I will start responding to people because the chances of me running into them are very high, especially in midtown. Or maybe I will finally get a job somewhere downtown where I won’t see anyone I know. A girl can dream.
It has recently come to my attention that I am insane. First, my friends told me. Then I read an article about how children of older men have a greater chance of being schizophrenic. I’m no rocket scientist but my dad was 47 when I was birthed.
And all of this was to prove a point. Here is the point –
I am going on vacation. I’m not really going anywhere. I’m just not coming here.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you and believe me, I loves hearing about how awesome I am when I post a video of animals doing animal things but I just need a break from thinking. Voice #2 thinks I’m crazy for doing this but quite honestly, I don’t give a shit about that bitch. She is always yapping about something. Maybe she should start a blog?
Anywho, my advice is this – RSS feed me! so that you know when I’m back. And if you don’t care when I’m back, please know that I think your mom is a filthy whore.
Until then, please check out some of my friends. They entertain me and I hope they entertain you as well. If I forgot you, then obviously I don’t think you’re interesting. And also because its fuzzy up there. Sorry either way.
See you soon!
artistic things – mike and susanna
live wrong and prosper – kali and lauren
mommy, daddy, four girls and a mean cat – Jessica O
nyc mind munchies – mike
origin of cotton – rodrigo
stop annoying me – tannerleah
12 – anna
Filed under lint | licker
This pretty much sums up all relationships. At least all of mine.
Filed under ass | face, love | bugs, not | redtube
Dear Friends and Family and Strangers,
On April 19, 2009, I will join 6,000 participants for the 21st Annual Walk MS event. I will walk 6 miles to raise money for the National MS Society. This year’s goal is to raise 2.5 million dollars and I want to do my part to reach that goal. Additionally, due to my competitive nature, and the fact that I will be representing the InStyle brand,I’d like to prove that through my persistance and dedication , I can make a positive contribution to the cause. (plus-someone in my corporate office raised $700 already, and naturally I have to outshine and dominate in every field). Please join me and the Time Warner team in making a difference for this charitable cause.
To make a donation, you can simply visit my personal page.. Every contribution counts, even if it is as little as five dollars.
The National MS Society believes that moving is not just something you can or can’t do but, rather, is who you are. Walk MS raises funds for critical research, as well as comprehensive programs and services for people with MS, moving closer toward a world free of MS. When you donate, you become a part of the powerful movement that is doing something about MS Now.
Many thanks in advance for your generous support!
Warmest regards,
Raquel
Donate today to help MS (and Raquel)!
Learn more about Multiple sclerosis
Filed under twat | monkey
