Sometimes when people talk to me and I don’t care about what they’re saying, I too wish I could just pass out. But I never do. I just zone out instead and say key phrases like “omg, really?” or “that’s so interesting” or “OMG! ME too!” And it usually works but when it doesn’t, I just say “huh?” and then they move on.
And really, I do try not to laugh at other peoples misfortune but usually my efforts are blah. I think its because I might be Satan.
Filed under not | redtube
I used to be one of those people who really enjoyed selecting the perfect card for the perfect person and then writing a 10 page essay on the inside re: how much I love them and how much they mean to me and blah fucking blah. I even used to draw special animals that were all the rage. But I’m over it. I now see birthday cards as a hassle – I have to go to the store and pick it out and then I have to think about all the things we went through in the past year and honestly, its way too much. And I don’t really care to be honest. Nor do I care to wrap your gift nicely because I think its cuter when its a mess. Deal with it.
I want this but I’m not sure if its art or a real product and I wonder why people go out of their way to confuse me.
Filed under ass | face
Why is this legless fella able to make a video and we have yet to make one even though we have 6 legs between us?
And maybe this is for someone. Or maybe I speak in third person and think I’m a spider. You will never know until you do and so don’t even bother asking what I’m talking about.
Filed under not | redtube
I’ve known Zohra for 14 years. She is my longest relationship to date and I keep her around because she lets me spit in her mouth whenever I want. Who would give this up?
During this 14 year relationship, I’ve disappeared many times. Once for 5 years and then after that it was for a few weeks at a time. Naturally she always gets worried when this happens and naturally I love her for it. Please enjoy some worry below. I think its really cute.
Subject: Dear John Letter
Hi. I pray that you are alive.
I feel like quoting the song “You’ve lost that loving feeling.” I feel like our relationship has gotten to that old stale married for 15 years point. The sexual tension has been replaced with awkward silences, mocking, attempted murders (Insurance money), and cross dressing. We used to talk every day – now you tell me to give you a few days rest. So i have decided to pull a VAL now that she is no longer on aim I see you falling apart at the seams. So now i am going to disappear for a few days, act aloof, uninterested, perhaps find another friend to talk to and share my flare for life, humor, Tex Mex ordering skills, and massages.
I hope you are happy for destroying a happy home. Me and the refugee children will be staying at the Marriot.
Goodbye.
How are you?
Umm. You should never tell someone you’re disappearing and then ask how they’re doing. This defeats the purpose of telling them you’re disappearing. In conclusion, there is absolutely nothing aloof about this. I mean, you wouldn’t tell someone you’re acting breezy to convey the breeziness, would you?
<3
;D
Filed under mi | vida
Nothing really surprises me nowadays but I really wish it did. I wish I were still young and thought life was like a thornless rose field. Or some poetic shit like that. But alas, I know life is full of thorns and so this was only gasp worthy for 2 seconds.
A lie. 5 seconds. Because really? Really German people? You are animals.
Also from here.
Filed under lint | licker
I’m all about doing things that are hip and I’m even more about them when I can have a guide that fits in my pocket.
Anywho, this makes me Lamayo. A lot. And good thing its no longer weird to be laughing at the computer screen. I do it all the time because I don’t have real friends at work. Wah.
I also saw this t-shirt I yesterday that I adored. It said ” I didn’t slap you. I high fived your face.” Yes, yes. I lamayo’ed at that too and I was all all by my lonesome. The the folks thought I was nutso and I didn’t disagree. I guess laughing by yourself is still considered weird.
Filed under twat | monkey
I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that the Shamwow dude fucked up this hooker who bit him. Well, this is what he did to her. And that’s what you get for biting.
I don’t know whether its because I don’t have a heart or simply just don’t care about people but I feel nothing when I see this. It’s like, okay whatever. You’re a hooker. It’s part of the job. Deal with it. Prosecutors feel the same way because no charges have been filed.
Filed under ass | face
Don’t ever tell how much you’re willing to spend.
Always ask how much it is.
This applies to everything, i.e. – Bottles, cars, drugs, and hookers.
Consider yourself smarter.
Filed under just | sayin
I was at my parent’s house this weekend and I was hungry. So I decided to make eggs because that’s all they had. So I’m taking out the skillet and all the necessary ingredients needed to make my fancy breakfast. So my mom is like, what are you doing? And I’m like, I’m making eggs and then my dad is like, open the window. And my mom is like, why? And he’s like, for when the fire starts. The smoke will go out quicker. And then my mom is like, nu Igor. Leave her alone. And he’s like, hahahahahaha. And I’m like, what the fuck? Wahhh.
That pretty much explains why I don’t cook. But I still really love cooking products that I would definitely use if I had to make something. And for everyone’s information, I haven’t caused a fire or burnt a hole in non-microwavable Tupperware in over a year. So in yo face fools.
This butter thing is only $3.98. A steal!
Tip: When making Rice-a-roni, add water to rice before microwaving.
Filed under ass | face
Writers block: like constipation of the brain.
I got it. And it’s very frustrating.
Last time this happened, I went on vacation. But I can’t do that now. Because I haven’t even paid that one off. In fact, I’ve paid none of it and likely accrued a few hundred in interest. It was a good vacation, though. And not at all really taken to relieve this particular block but I did start this when I got back. But let’s not digress. Focus. We’re talking about brain constipation.
I got it. And I don’t know why.
A lie. I do know why. But I looked that shit up anyway.
Wikipedia:
Writer’s block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity. Writer’s block can also be a hindrance even when the writer feels that they already have a story in mind but can get no further than part of that story.
Writer’s block can be closely related to depression and anxiety,[1] According to neurologist Alice Weaver Flaherty, these mood disorders reflect environmentally caused or spontaneous changes in the brain’s frontal lobe.
This confuses me as I am always depressed or anxiety ridden. But on the other hand, that frontal lobe is always causing me troubles. Always. I hate it and would love to lobotomize it. But I can’t and so all I can do is ask, what the fuck is going on? Except I know what’s going on. But I still hate you frontal lobe. Filth.
But it also makes me wonder – do all people who suffer from depression and anxiety automatically suffer from writers block? Or does Wikipedia write entries just for me? I’m thinking the latter because the other way around I simply don’t understand.
Anywho, I’m going to do what the wiki told me to do – keep writing. It won’t be good though and for this I apologize. I’m also taking a brain vacation. There is no reception there and so I’ll just let you know when I get back.
Shalom.
Pics courtesy of Daniel.
Filed under douche | baggery
Filed under lint | licker
So I was reading more conversations on Holy Taco and one of them was about Oregon Trail. I used to play that game in elementary school and so I was like, I must play it. So I Googled and found the original one – see screenshot above. Then I played for about 5 minutes and then I got bored. I’m not even sure why I felt inclined to use 3 ! in the title even. But you might not be so ADD and so if you want to play, click here. I think it only works with IE though and so MAC users are assed out.
Filed under lint | licker
Filed under twat | monkey
Yesterday Moses Jesus ate. This was so joyous because it was the first sign that he was getting better. Then today he ate again and I caught him basking under his light. I am overjoyed! I knew that if I ignored him long enough, he would come to his senses and get better.
And now that he is back, I’ve decided I love him again and don’t wish to give him away.
Happy Sunday.
Filed under twat | monkey
So this kid Rodrigo. I met him when I worked at Track and we’ve been likethis ever since. Rodrigo is a cool boy. He enjoys sneakers, fancy pens, and writes for a blog called Origin of Cotton. He posts shit about mens fashion, cool art, stuff he thinks is ugly and so on. Recently this boy Rodrigo wrote a post about me. I believe he did it because he wants to be added as a contributor and while I appreciate the efforts, the answer is still no. But I love him and his blog anyways and so read on to learn about his drug business, thoughts on slavery and…other stuff probably not about what he wants me to be talking about.
that chick: your blog is called origin of cotton. are you trying to make a statement about slavery?
rodrigo: ‘origin of cotton’ is one of jean michel basquiat’s artworks. being as he is my idol and he prefaced a lot of things in his work (the internet, sampling, trip hop) i thought it would be perfect to name the blog that. he was making a statement on slavery. also, since one of the things i cover is fashion it made sense as well.
TC: you say that i used to steal your nice pens. well why did you leave them out like that if you didn’t want me to steal them?
R: i should have electrified them so every time you tried to grab it you would get shocked.
TC: what is the primary goal of your blog?
R: expose people to things i think are cool and uncool, IMO. write about things i care about. become a contributor for this blog, i forget the name…. hehe)
TC: you once joked that my jew tattoo said “for sale.” do you still feel this way.
R: yeah you are a total sell out.
TC: what do you do for fun.
R: focus! dianasan. what does this have to do with my blog? but ok, surf the waters of the internet, play fifa 09, play soccer and basketball
TC: do you think global warming is a real thing or just a marketing scheme used to perpetuate fear so that we buy more hybrid cars and “green” stuff.
R: you’re such a schlamiel! again nothing to do with my blog. you totally lost focus after the fourth question, bubbala. Haha. global warming is both a marketing scheme (like the whole metro sexual thing was just a way to sell face cream to dudes) and a real thing (the polar ice caps are melting, which doesn’t explain why its still cold at the end of march but oh well)
TC: speaking of green, your last name is salazar and so therefore you must be a drug dealer. is this an accurate assumption?
R: i’m as much a drug dealer as you are a russian mobster with vodka and deruny breath. das vedanya muthafuckas!
TC: on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most, how offended are you?
R: 6 to 9
TC: what is your favorite number and why?
R: 69. earmuffs!
TC: isn’t it weird being interviewed when you’re so used to being the interviewer?
R: nah, i got interviewed by thatchickfrombk.com. put that @#$ on my tombstone! (the tombstone pizza, not the slab of concrete over my dead body).
Filed under twat | monkey
Google sent us cupcakes today because its Friday. I’m not trying to brag because really, it’s a fucking cupcake but I’m just saying. They got monkey for cupcakes but not for salaries? Douchebaggery.
And this is weird for me to say because I generally don’t care about people or their jobs. And I don’t even like the reps because they are way too happy and chirpy and people like this make me uncomfortable. Anyways. That’s all.
Good day!
Filed under lint | licker
These Pope Benedict XVI condoms were released to mock that dude after he was all like, condoms aren’t a weapon against AIDS while on a trip to Africa.
I’m pretty much in favor of anything that mocks religion and so naturally I love these condoms. Maybe even enough to use them.
Filed under douche | baggery
maybe i’m weather giddy or maybe this is actually funny. am not sure and do not care because whatever works is what works.
sometimes i wish i had a penis so i could know what it feels like to not solve problems.
Filed under twat | monkey
I really love animals a lot. You can’t tell by the way I treat Moses Jesus but that is only because he is a fake animal. I can never tell what he wants or how he feels and so its hard for me to show him any love or effort. It’s a complicated relationship we have. Even more complicated is that I still have him. I guess maybe I’ll change his water tomorrow and if I’m in a good enough mood, I’ll feed him too.
Filed under twat | monkey
According to Google, Google is laying off 200 people. I think this is bullshit. I work with those fuckers everyday and I know for sure they don’t need to lay off people. I think they’re just doing it to be cool and look like everyone else. Because really, what is 200 people? Nothing.
When I worked at the Og, those Google reps took us out every quarter. Lunches, dinners, shooting ranges, boating on the Hudson. Whatever we wanted because we spent hundreds of thousands of our clients dollars with them. (And we still do because online media budgets only get bigger.) We had reps fly out from Boston just to take us out as a thank you for spending money. And their offices are amazing – they eat for free all day and then they have mini kitchens where they get everything else for free. And this is just the New York office. So give me a break Google with your 200 layoffs. You are douchebags of the day.
Also, if you ever aspire to work for them, just do really well in school. They don’t care much about what you know or who you are – as long as you have a high GPA. It really explains much of the generic sales teams.
Filed under douche | baggery
